27 November 2016

One year on. And I can never forget those times.

            Let me keep this as simple and to the point. My life was a disaster at birth. My mother was hopelessly sick with not a grain of love in her genes. So as infants we never knew motherly affection until we grew old enough to understand Nirupa Roy’s portrayals. Let me tell you this with all the conviction at my command: any individual who has not experienced his/her mother’s love ends up as dregs of society or in a lunatic asylum or gangster. A puppy does not need its mother so much; give it food and shelter and it will grow to a happy dog without psychological deprivation. But a human being, NO WAY

            Nature does not intend babies to grow on a diet of HATE and FEAR without damaging the neuro-circuitry.  Nature does however create mothers in the animal kingdom that makes a meal of its offspring. But these species are rare. Even in the wild, animals tend to their young with a lot of care and protection.  We digress and let me come back to my tale.

            I discovered that I had Bipolar when I was 21 during my MBA days. Since then I have always treated myself as a second class citizen. I never aspired for love and romance, marriage never contemplated. I did however have a modest goal which was to earn and feed my tummy.  To my achievement, I have managed that feat for 25 years.

            When nature gives you a problem it also gives you flickerings of solutions now and then. My first act of grace I perceived was “heart surgery” at 29. The nurses looked after me well and for the first time I felt a human being take my BP or change the wet cloth on my forehead for I was dying of a high grade fever. These little acts of human touch got me healed a great deal; such was my deprivation.

            The second act of grace was Swamiji’s weekend spiritual lectures and walks in the Theosophical Society but the greatest gift of nature was the “gift of writing”. I went to Bahrain where I got a bit worldly-wise thanks to a human hound called Ajit.

            The first miracle of my life was Manisha who came into my life when I was 37. I was in the grip of the darkest depression when a psychiatrist walked into my life and treated me with the concern of a sister. For the first time in my life, I felt a deep well of gratitude and this emotion lasted for the next three years. The second miracle turned out a flash in the pan. I fell in love with PW and she was everything I ever dreamt in my fantasies. No human being ever gave me so much hopes and happiness and rich hues of dreams than this romantic interlude that lasted 6 months. But then, I was dumped with a callousness that even hardened criminals would shy from.  PW was beautiful in most ways; but she set such high standards for a man that it felt I was appearing in an exam every day for the madam’s approval. I felt a genuine connection, pity is she did not either feel it or kicked it away. This took a while in healing and I was 40 when I added these scars to my childhood ones!!

            I knew from my deepest gut in every atom that my life-force cannot go on to old age. I was hopelessly left alone. Mother continues to be emotionally fragile and still spewing either fear or hatred. Both my sisters never cared for a moment for they were wired so strongly for a belief that once married,  they wash their hands off the previous family. It wouldn’t surprise me if my dead body is dumped to a hospital for use in an anatomy class of a medical college. The most charitable I can take of their point of view is they too grew in the same hostile environment but they somehow managed to be on the right side of the equation of life. So I knew that I HAD to plan my exit. I can’t place my fate to God and wait for HIS agents to take away my breath. Even in Abu Dhabi when I was earning almost 2 lacs a month, I never felt an ounce of joy or hope. Loneliness does all that mischief and more!

            So when 2015 dawned I knew my day of reckoning had come. I had to consume those barbiturates that I had carefully hoarded. But it is never easy – thoughts of dying is one thing and actual dying is something especially for a person who has had over 2 decades of Upanishad teachings.  So I did the next best thing: I kept postponing. I told myself: DIE WHEN YOU CAN’T AFFORD TO FEED YOURSELF. Till then, it is fair game to be alive even if you are HOPELESSLY alone and not one soul to turn to.

            I slipped into a depression in April of 2015 and for the next two years, not one hour of the waking day passed without this macabre thought: should it be today or tomorrow. I didn’t wish to die in Besant Nagar and so I went to Theni, 500 km away.

            I befriend Govind Raj a car driver in October, 2016 when I went on a three day trip to Swami Omkarananda ashram. I met Govind Raj who was very friendly and I marked him as my man. We spoke over a month before I left for Theni again and this time to enlist his help in dying.

            I spent one day convincing him. He even spoke to my sister and then he said, “Sir, I agree with you. You have reached the dead-end and I will help you end this pain. I clearly see that you have exhausted every avenue to living; if you linger longer you either go to an asylum and so this is the best course for you.” Any mental disorder with no family support is something even an illiterate car driver can arrive at.  He then said, “Sir, I know a person who does this thing. He has an injection and you come to sleep immediately and never wake up. I see you are desperate and my expenses are 6 k.” I happily paid that money and wrote a “suicide letter” so that he was absolved in every way possible.

            Govind Raj’s was a man of action who believed that there should not a trace of my dead body. He said, “We will inject you this fatal drug and immediately take you in a car to a deserted farmhouse for a quick cremation and no one will be wiser.” The date was fixed for the next day, 27^th November.

            I did not sleep a wink on 26^th night. I felt a strange emotion. On one hand my entire mind relaxed knowing that my troubles were coming to an end. I wasn’t scared of karmic punishments for no one would have been a more loyal devotee of the Lord than to plod through 47 years of “unloved and uncared” existence.

            The next day Govind Raj came to my hotel room at 1:30 pm with his hack doctor. One look at the gigantic man and my mind did a somersault.  I said, “Give me the drug. I don’t to die today.”

            We argued to and fro for an hour. He said, “I have invested monies on logs and fuel to burn your body. You have no choice but to go along with these arrangements.” One part of my mind wanted to die but another said, “I don’t wish to die so unloved and uncared.” I was firm, we even got to blows. He was heavily drunk and I pushed and threw him on the floor. Govind raj refused to give me the vial but I was more relieved that it was my decision that prevailed. I took the first bus out of Theni at 6:00 in the evening and reached Chennai the next morning at 4:00.

            All my life I wanted a peaceful death and when someone offered, I dithered and got cold feet. Instead I went back to Lithium tablets and anti-depressants!  Vivek Banerjee is a true friend and he was truly shocked to hear of my Theni escapades. He arranged a writing assignment with his brother-in-law. That gave me money and something to work during the day. 

            In February, I went back to Louise Hay’s affirmations. I used to hear her talk for 4-5 hours a day and make notes. I used to get up in the morning and do the “mirror work.” My only friend in the day was Chris who I used to meet at Eliot’s Beach in the evenings.  Working for a small firm in Gurgaon had a lot of advantages: the work never took more than an hour’s time and I was growing stronger. And then MINDFULNESS happened.

            I first heard Jon Kabat-Zinn in April and that led me to Eckhart Tolle in May. Iyer mama came from Australia in April and he was steadfast in his concerns and affections. I was still working my ideas on AFFIRMATIONS and MINDFULNESS poring every energy and over 4-5 hours of dedicated study. My mind for the first time saw something bigger than death and dying, I soon learnt about energy fields (which was my "aha" moment) and childhood trauma. And then another miracle happened: I got my writing back as I wrote my first blog in 30 months in the middle of June.

            Once writing is in, the other aspects of life followed. I started to attend Swamiji’s class and then went to monthly “amavasya” tharpanams that I had abandoned for 2 years and slowly kept adding my usual routines bit by bit from dusting my guitar and playing it or blasting rock music that even my neigbours said, “Sathya, when you shout you sound just like AR Rahman.” By July and August I had never felt so calm and serene in my entire life. I learnt about “loving myself” and “Self-compassion”. By now I was reading and hearing podcasts of Jack Kornfield, Dr. Kristin Neff and Tara Brach where I learnt the science of healing.

            The rest of the story is easy. Friends chipped in. Ramesh said, " Sathya, do a communication workshop.  I will support you.” Then Shyam chipped in saying,” I will bear the cost of the venue.” And when Arun gifted me the T-shirt for Diwali and Mani came with sweets, I knew my healing was complete. When the mind is serene, people around you notice and beam at you and offer a hand to shake. I suddenly made a lot of new acquaintances at the Beach. I found some IMT classmates read my blogs and that revived old ties for a morale booster. My go to man any time I feel like talking is Vivek; he is by far my best friend. Manisha too chips in with regular mails. Thangam is a pillar of support.  Iyer mama is steadfast in his affections. I get a lot of attention and friendships at the Eliot's Beach. 

            It has taken me less than 6 months from my initiation to MINDFULNESS in May. My healing was slow and steady. I changed every toxic thought pattern that was hurting me. I learnt to treat myself kinder, I told myself, “If my parents did not parent me, no problem. I will parent myself. “I never knew that one can love oneself, all my life I was seeking love and acceptance from the outer world. Now that I was practising self-love with mirror work and regular affirmations, I believe these led me to MINDFULNESS and that’s when I stayed healed.

            With growing mental strength I re-organized my life. The first casualty was my eldest sister. She was only giving me negative energy of abandonment daily and so I put an end of her phone calls for a great insight: It is better to be alone than to lean on a cardboard chair. She was sort of an emotional crutch and once I gave that up, I rapidly grew stronger reminding me even more intently that “I am on my own” and “I have to love myself more.”

            I also evaluated PW a character my mind had fogged those memories that felt from another age. Those were healings as I realized: I don’t need to give up on myself even if she had. I also realized she herself was mighty sick: she had grown disrespectful of love after many past failed relations. Such a suspicious streak, she will drive angels and Mother Teresa (s) away. This thought was another liberating thought as I was growing into more and more open space in my mind and beginning to feel a lightness and freedom I had never felt before. The proof that so many were suddenly opening up to me: Arun, my cousin connected in Facebook. I was making new friends almost every week at the Eliot’s. And would you believe it, even stray dogs started to leap up in affection sensing some kind of tranquility. And when I got into occasional tiffs with anyone, my blood never boiled for earlier even a chance remark would lay me low for weeks. I knew I could be provoked to the extreme but I learnt to recover to base in 10 minutes!!! 

            By June, I knew I had turned the corner. Doing those blogs was therapeutic. With each passing month, I knew I will survive. I will earn my bread, no problem. My knees are in terrible shape but I am exulting: If I can crack bipolar I can heal just about anything.

            Less than a year, I paid a man to kill me. And a year later, I am in an eternal love affair with me. I learnt to trust and honour myself and believe me, it came easy, And more importantly, I stay healed.  And how do you know you are healed? You are comfortable in your own skin and others around you want a piece of you.  And after such a close encounter with death, I consider every day of living a bonus. Destiny keeps me alive for a reason and it will unfold at its own pace; sufficient unto the day I concentrate on my communication WORKSHOP and MINDFULNESS blogs that keeps piling up. 
Post Script: Look, I never came clean on BIPOLAR in eleven years of blogging and now I do it for a casual reference. It is easier to talk of a problem of your past than when the wound is still live for another insight. When you overcome a chronic condition, one feels a freedom and no shame attached. Rather it serves as an inspiration to others that you can dig yourself from the pits of hell and I will verily show you the way.