Lockdown 3.0 blues

#172

I am bored as hell. Searching for a synonym, I greedily resonated to ENNUI that the dictionary threw up on a search: a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

            I find it difficult to stay motivated and hopeful in these lockdown days. The biggest grouse of my life now is “When is the loan coming?” Though I have three credible sources, every blessed thing is halted in this lockdown. So hold your horses, don’t allow the mind to run into a frenzy are my affirmations for the days.

            In April I combed my word-list collection for a shortlist of 500 words that I should use more often. Not only I jotted it down for a two weeks’ study, I made a recording of them. Navigating through words and idioms give me a high, these recording fill vacuous afternoons.  

            Then in May, I found my own blog posts of Bhagawad Gita on SPIRITUALSATHYA inspiring. Swami Paramarthananda’s talks are a marvel, this time I made a short 15 min recordings of each chapter on Anchor (Gita talks). This is another two weeks of good usage of time. In April I was logging in two hours of Vipassana sittings in a day, by May my patience waned. Now I do an hour of Vipassana and try to get in 20 min of SPARRC regime for my knees. I tried to read a PG Wodehouse in ages, I soon found my mind popcorn fried – low on energy and high on pessimism that after a couple of pages I cast it aside.

            My hero for the two months lockdown is TH Iyer mama – he is 88 years old and he calls me twice a day. We have known each other since 1998 but our friendship gathered depth only in 2016 when my mind was in the darkest dungeons. These days – April and May - stretch like a lost train on a desert in grueling summer sun in Africa. TH Iyer mama’s calls is the only time in the day I get to open my mouth – his mind is sharp and he is high on faith and discipline. Each day he calls at 9 in the morning, “How is your day? Did you get your driving license renewal? What did the cook make for you today? What is happening on the loan front? Did you talk to Prakash? This concern is a tonic for me – in this planet at least I have one person batting for me.

            Over the last fortnight I discovered the pleasures of my terrace. I wait for 6’0 clock in the evening, such is a scenic beauty awaiting me. The terrace feels like being on the beach, the view is fantastic with lot of trees and birds. I sit on the staircase to the motor room and take in the breeze, the gale winds of the Bay of Bengal sweeps over the Chennai land mass feels a healing of tired minds. The breeze is so strong that crows are tossed around in flight. Nature is always therapeutic; my love for this house shoots up at this time of the day regardless of the obstacles in the loan process. At times I chant some slokas, if energetic I stretch a few limbs, I water the plants and I practice mindfulness. This 40 min is sacrosanct, I don't despoil it wallowing in self-pity or forebodings.

            I also re-ignited my friendship with Ashish after a cloud of mis-understanding. The matter was trivial and it is foolhardy to re-visit those regions again. He was large-hearted, I am more than happy to rediscover our friendship.

            I feel so bored on some days that I do a lot of Rudram or Gita chanting; the guitar holds no attraction after 20 minutes. It is then I realize how much I miss the SPARRC morning sessions. If 2019 was a good positive year, it had to do with this daily discipline. It resolves me to get a two wheeler and resume those morning rehab exercises at Besant nagar.  
           Yesterday TH Iyer mama said, “Sathya, stop hurting your sibling with your stupid mails. Maybe it is this negativity that is affecting your loan process.” This is my Achilles heel as my mind reflected on guruji’s words: It never pays to be the cause of someone’s misery. Nature punishes you first, here and now, robbing your mind of whatever peace gathered over time.

            I love my Bhagawad Gita recordings, I was introduced to Gita when I was 22.  Only now at 51 the mind is matured to relish its full fragrance. When I sit on the terrace, I ponder over these wonderful thoughts of Karma yoga and nature of Brahman. I loved “Mary Poppins returns” and “Togo” on Hotstar Disney. I watch very little of television, zilch reading and so I chew on my long thoughts to fill the long hours of the day.

            The world around is neither a source of joy or sorrow. I keep praying: Lord, give me some energy to discover some positivity in myself. The best of these times was “renewing my driving license”. It’s a story that merits a blog post to itself but let me serve the gist. My driving license expired last year as my clock hit the 50^th birthday. Nitin Gadkari gives one-year extension for renewal. For first three months of 2020 I was as frantic as a bird that lost its young one to a predator in my chase for “change in address in Aadhar card”. I paid the renewal fees, had an appointment and the officer rejected my application for lack of new address in Aadhar. Now I tried a second time with the Besant Nagar address, engaging a Xerox shop owner opposite the RTO office (his main business is giving medical certificate, fixing appointments and getting those application forms). My license would have overrun the one-year extension, how I reached my papers to this man is some anecdote in the lockdown days of no traffic on the roads.  He fixed an appointment, paid the fees on my behalf just one day before my 51^st birthday.  The RTO opened this week and there I was on 12/5 with these set of papers. They took my snap, scrawled the signature on a digital pad and presto within 90 min I had the smart card. I felt waves of joy flood the veins and neural systems. Not even climbing the Everest would have been so rupturous!!!! Now I proudly display the “smart card” on the cupboard. So each time I open it for books or clothes, I gloat over my smartness. On such small wins my life rests and I am not complaining. But seriously, I need to get the 2019 discipline of SPARRC and resume stock market trading again for happy hormones to flow.