Digging in the dark and alone; that’s
me in a drama of life. Just pause, allow the flow of thoughts to
settle a bit, take a ride above them and what you do know about yourself? Very
little, I would wager. The biggest riddle in the universe is to understand the
nature of your own mind; when it spikes up to “agitating” thoughts or
how frequent and what are the areas the thoughts – lustful thoughts or revenge
or forlorn or grieving ones – that clasp you with.
Vipassana
and Mindfulness has got in a lot of self-awareness for me. I learnt to observe
myself. I was shocked at myself; the last year's river rafting run in Rishikesh got
no adrenalin. I was imperturbable despite the chilly glacier water swamping me
in that small inflatable rubber boat. I should have been squealing like the rest of the crew; but sadly not even a whimper. Throw back to 1998 in Manipal Heart
Foundation where there was a procedure for draining fluid from the
peri-cardium in the Cath Lab. It was hot
summer May morning at 10’0 clock, I had just turned 29 in that week's stay at the hospital, when a patient next to me suffered a cardiac
arrest. He was shrieking in despair: Darling I love you. It is
hurting, I am scared. This is the end. His rant was so infectious that my heart
rate which was a steady 90 beats to a minute now climbed to 135. You see, we
are all connected to those computer terminals that shows your pressure points
and heart rates, it was then I realized how toxic negative spikes in energy is
for the poor heart. This incident had a huge impact on my psyche; after this I
intuitively avoided noisy people and any place that got crowds in. I learnt to
appreciate quietude. And now in May, 2019 my heart just wouldn’t race to
the river run in the Ganges at Rishikesh!!!!
On
12th May, 2020 I went to RTO Office at Thiruvanmiyur. I was excited
to be on the ECR again after two months of cooping in my apartment at
Palavakkam. My driving license was renewed and I felt a surge of excitement for
a while. I came home and was sick for two days. Any time my mind views more
than a dozen people, it just shuts off or feels fused out – such has been my cooping, a claustrophobic cloistered living.
Then on Saturday, 30th May, I spent two hours in familiar
Besant nagar for bank errands and bit of food shopping. And ever since my mind
feels like the churning of a giant wheel. Being so alone, my mind is fused out, jaded, drained out when I see crowds!!!
And
of the best things I realized about life and me was “I don’t know
whether I am a force for good or evil in this innings here.” There is no
doubting the courage and perseverance; I have lived 51 years without basic
affection. If a mother rejects a child, it usually doesn’t make it. The first
relation of a baby is with the mother, if that equation is messed up then life
is an uphill task – swimming against the current – for a life. I had a terrible
mother, physically abusive father, apathetic sisters for the first twenty years
of life. All those scars manifested as cyclical depression in IMT days. I
entered adulthood without a ray of hope like a hapless lamb waiting to be slaughtered, the road ahead was a suicide or a
mental asylum. Then came heart surgery, a woman burst out of nowhere and when
that relation flunked I knew: I am back to “on my own” territory. I have a lot
of friends but pause to reflect: I never had anyone in the house who owned
me up. I was a rotten potato, abused and reviled in my first twenty years. Then
next 30 years were in repairing this rotten apple. There is tremendous heroism for an attempt at becoming normal, this journey
was my own. That’s a reason why I don’t reserve faith in Gods above – nature has
not furnished me one reason to be grateful for.
I
ask myself: what will make me happy now?
The answer is immediately intuitive: I would love a bonding with
a human being. I want to be trusting and bonding (sharing banter, feeling
worthy of myself, feeling wanted in the eyes of another person). Such a bonding
happens only in a man-woman relationship and I am past that station. Now
if I chance across a woman of my dreams and fantasies, it would be hard labour in the bed. As a friend
jocularly said: my testosterone levels have dipped, there is no more joy in the
bed. Actually the coitus looks a horrible joke. So where does it leave me? Can
I come across a place or a person in whom I can reserve faith without necking
and tonguing? Conceptually it's an oxymoron, and it is. Most probably I
will have to manage my old years on my own just as I have these 51 years.
Earning
3-4 lacs a month on the bourses will not get me out of my skins exulting, it’s
more a par for the course. My knees is unlikely to improve. If I save a
wish, I would love to play guitar like a rock band front man. Singing and
playing the guitar is the best I can hope from this point in life, maybe get in swimming too. I might take on to the
Kumbakonam air, at least that place guarantees me “Brahmin Iyer food” that Palavakkam
does not. To my mind, I can’t think of anyone who has brought more courage and
patience to life than me. Yet the question remains: Am I a force of good or
evil? I cross my heart and affirm: I don’t know. I don’t know what attributes
are rewarded in life or after death? But one thing is sure, I may reach an
abode meant for the greatest warriors or I might be condemned to the worst dregs, a place where the waste rots away. I am usually the worst or
the best in a situation, there is no middle comfort zone of safety. Simply put, I am not sure whether I am a force of good or evil. Trying to
figure out would be the course of my reminding years. Even now
there is no destination in sight or the roads mapped, I trudge along none wiser. I am a lost kid in a cosmic traffic fare in downtown. I used to holler as a kid, now I am that derelict beggar in the corner of the street. Apathetic as the world around is.
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