September Insights

I have not spoken to my eldest sister for couple of months now and this looks a total estrangement. I don’t know whether to laugh or cry.  But there were some insights:

- The family did not give me ONE festival moment since my dad’s death in 1989. For a Tambrahm at least these four festivals are observed with a lot of piety and gaiety: Pongal, Diwali, Vinayaka Chaturthi, Dusherra. Rama Navami is also a big draw but these four are sine quo non. Besides I must have invited my eldest sister at least a million times to Besant Nagar but then she has compiled a dictionary of excuses. Now for the twin insights I learnt in these months:

a)  With Besant Nagar apartment tethering meaning hanging on fragile ropes, this insight stumped me with the force of hurricane Irma: The very possibility I will lose Besant Nagar from my ineptness is a testimony of my sister’s indifference. Such a relation is not worth saving or entertaining. We might as well die on earth and avoid them on hell.

b)  I often think of death; I certainly would like to die in the midst of loved ones. I realized that both my sisters will not make it to the hospital when summoned citing excuses like “I have arthritis” or “I am expecting a call from Fort Collins”. I went through this phase of abandonment when I had a heart surgery in 1998 and in the two decades our hearts and minds have turned even more into stone and rock. So when you know that these relations are not even worth a mental crutch of a raving optimist; you realize the wisdom of throwing those out of the window. As Robin Williams says: I used to think that the worst thing in life was to end up alone. It's not. The worst thing in life is to end up with people who make you feel alone.

(These two thoughts: wobbling Besant Nagar apartment and no good when the white sheets are drawn made me re-cast the WILL. I finally realize this: You may have all the good intentions of wanting to be a good brother but when it hits a brick wall, you walk away. I don’t see this family ever reuniting unless both the daughters realize their errors which no North Arcot woman is congenitally capable).

            Then there is this insight which did not spring up this month but something that has lived in my bones for a while. I hate to ask anyone for job assistance but when I am driven to despair I swallow a lot of pride and attitude. I know asking for a favour is nothing better than a beggar with a bowl – one is for coins and another for livelihood and in essence no difference.

            I wrote to a Facebook friend and an IMT alumnus requesting “if you know any content or writing assignment please do involve me in.” That mail got no response. Earlier I used to delete the email id from the contact lists so as to prevent “begging in distant future”. Now I take it in stride as an affirmation that the world we live is indeed a hard and cruel place.

            September was also a month in which Gayatri, a distant cousin, took a crack at me and I came down so heavily that my words of censure would be lifelong scars. I realize this all too clearly: I will not hurt another human being, already my present life is burdened with past karmas of sin. But when anyone comes throwing stones, I will use an howitzer and blow them away. I reside alone and no emotional outlet and this is just a defence response I am not proud of but I cannot help it despite tons of MINDFULNESS literature.

            Yesterday a Sanjaya's* boorishness at Vishranti was beyond my tolerance. He sits on the restaurant table and lords over me. I was reduced me to running errands for his “strong coffee with little sugar” from the counter, then order a vada and get it parcelled. Knowing his disgusting dominant streak, I complied but when he asked me to carry his “vadai parcel” to his car, I protested. I said, “I hate to refer this but I couldn't stomach your rude behaviour at FOSWL meeting last Sunday. In the name of discipline you are reducing others to menial servants.”

            Sanjaya had no grace saying, “Of late, you are developing such ill thoughts of me. I consider myself as your GURU but if this is your attitude then I will cut you off.” I had a foolish grin for a response and quietly walked away.

            It did upset me. I have known this person since 1998. He has been my most vocal supporter and even sole well-wisher in 2015-16 periods. But even in the best moments of intimacy I was aware of this “control freak” nature and reducing others to serve him. I have not met a more narcissistic person. Even when I praise Alexander the Great or Charles Darwin, Sanjaya would not allow an opportunity slip and forcibly thrust himself: Actually I am also famous for achieving impossible goals as though competing with the Greek Invader or pitting himself favourably against the English naturalist.  None of my friends – Ranga, Manisha, Rajaram, SDP, Mani, Vivek – have ever walked out on me was the thought I used to console myself with.

            That leads to the INSIGHT of the month: Don’t hold on to a relation that no longer serves. When it brings ill-will or makes you feel small, just walk away. LET GO. I also realize this: Very few people in our age know how to disagree and even fight. We can all have our differences and yet not lose friendliness when there is a disagreement to an event or a misplaced expectation as long as there is no deliberate slights to the ego.

            All this leads to but one road: YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN. LOVE YOURSELF, TRUST YOURSELF. Be comfortable in your own skin and always bat for you. The world outside is cold in these times of climate-change.

"Don't worry if someone does not like you. Most people are struggling to like themselves." ~ Karen Salmansohn from Mindfulness literature just about sums up my learnings for September.