February News

#162

This year my dauntlesssathya blogs will be direct and zero wastage of words. More like news highlights and a synopsis to make sense of it.

The headlines are:

a)     HDFC screws up: They took 8 weeks to reject my loan application after promising every third day. A prompt rejection would have been infinite mercy. I am so sick of their incompetence that I will be snapping any connection with them. Their ineptness has cost me time and money – for 8 weeks I have not engaged in my stock market trading for loss of income besides the emotional stress of uncertainty.

b)     Narasimhan of Vishalam Builders: He is a wonderful gentleman who comforted me saying, “You need to pay 13 lacs now but take your time, we will wait for your loan to be accepted.” This is my second trip to Kumbakonam and I loved it more. I plan to go monthly, it’s an emotional high to see your villa coming up. The food is great, the auto chaps are friendly and super-efficient, green countryside, good quality water, fresh air and all the pluses are adding up. I am loving this buy more than the Palavakkam one; that’s just an apartment but this is my land!!!

c)      Vivek is super dense: For almost 11 years each time I had a talking urge I would trouble Vivek and Manisha. Of late, Vivek has grown senile to unbelievable denseness and un-stomachable attitude. I tried my best to salvage but what drove the nail in the coffin was this attitude: What have you done to your sisters to merit any kindness?? This attitude almost snapped the ties two years and now this is the last straw: Why are you overstretching on real estate? First earn your monies and then buy instead of running after bank loans? Again this theme was beaten to death in the last four months despite my assurance that “my troubles are my own and no friend of mine will be touched for monies.” Vivek is dense beyond belief; all I sought was solace instead I got blame and an attribution of stupidity. My last words to Vivek this week was, “This is the last time I am speaking to you in my life.” There is no danger of any comebacks here.

d)     TH Iyer mama is the sole one with a heart: This year started with Ashish’s refusal of a soft loan that got my mind reinforced on this thought: If you know how little others think or feel for you, you wouldn’t open your mouth. This learning has quietened me almost 90%. I have many names on my contact list on my mobile but none are useful even for a solace at the word level except TH Iyer mama. He is the sole one who reads my blogs, calls every alternate day, follows my trails with life closely and storing a lot of affection and encouragement. 

e)     Oscar movies: I saw “A beautiful day in the neighborhood” and it was paisa vasool as Rediff would say on their inept movie reviews. 1917 had more depth, I simply loved “Parasite”. Each time I walk out of a movie hall, I feel supercilious: maybe I could have done the script better and tighter. But after “Parasite” I was gushing feeling that a couple of Sathyas can't reach such quality levels. I am planning three more movies of the Oscar season.

Today I am in a position to grow 20 lacs to 40 lacs in 12 months. If I had this skill in 2018, I would not have been forced to sell my Besant Nagar property in 2018 for a startling perspective. It takes time and skill and confidence at last arrive at an earning source. Thank God for small mercies.

Life, the eternal bitch

#161

Being alone always has its cost. It’s an oddity that one grows almost as a separate species. In a family – which I have not seen since 2007 when my mother shifted to my sister’s place – I guess there is room for all types of emotions to trigger. Some pleasant, mostly unpleasant but there is a thin thread of bonding. If you are incapacitated and even if you are the most worthless, family-defeating member, you will be taken to a clinic when sick, cared for in an ICU when dying and cremation after death even if it is with a grudging sigh. But being alone you must pretty much arrange these inevitable stages.

            Being alone, you must pamper yourself. I set small goals; each time I make a 40 k profit in a deal I treat myself to a book on Amazon or a BBC video, or I plan a short trip, or invite Ranga to Maris for a drink,  or even a small packet of sweets from Aavin or Krishna Bhavan or buy a fancy item for the drawing room or watch a movie on the big screens. Two, more important than self-pamper you need to “ensure that there are no negative forces” to upset the fragile mask of peace. Even a small ant-bite is enough to drown you in an ocean of self-pity. So you learn to avoid stressful situations and boorish people. For me, the first sign of a “mind in free fall” is my smoking number goes up, I begin to curse my second sister, I begin to fantasize on suicide and death. When I reach such a stage, I drop everything and head for a Vipassana retreat.  There are only two people who call to enquire; T H Iyer mama at 86 and random calls of Manisha. Shivaja, a Rediffiland friend, calls me each time she is Blore. Which shows the world is excessively self-centered.

            I have been here in this new house for 6 weeks now waiting like a lost man in a desert for the mortgage loan. The more the delay, the more I doubt whether I can capture the form and momentum at the bourses. I am also pitching for “soft skills training” role which could get in some people quotient. I do need a platform to meet the next generation,. I am terrible marketing my wares, so now and then I drop a word to my friends – could you explore a possibility in your firm kinds? Knowing the apathetic world we live, such feeble attempts rarely get you anywhere. 

            My appreciation for Meera and Thangam who served my kitchen for 15 years have gone up manifold after coming here. I engaged Nalini as a cook here and she is terrible with no brahmanical instinct in culinary. I even brought my elder sister for a crash course, now I realize she needs more. It’s like starting someone from alphabets and "a for apple" kinds. To her credit, she brings in a positive attitude. There are days when I am pulling my strands in disgust. I tell you this: for a bachelor, a cook is the most important person for the food issue is vitally the most important. This area needs fixing.

            It's not easy with these odds. I am smoking a lot these days, waiting for the bank loan and trying to fix a food problem from an inept cook. This is more than an ant-bite for me to sink in the ocean of sorrow. But I am trying. Writing the four parts Alexander series felt so reassuring, that effort did shore up self-esteem. Today I am watching “Parasite” my third Oscar movie of the season.

            Each of my mental wanderings on blogs invariably ends with this thought and I don’t mind a million repetition: I live in an apathetic world. There is little bonding to life or any relation that offers warmth. I need to find a reason almost every month just to pull through. I stay in the race even after the bulls give up!!!! But each year, it gets more and more difficult.

            The best of Palavakkam would be: train this Nalini character or find another source, re-discover my skills at stock market trading, get SPARRC routine which means I need a two-wheeler which is a sound investment, get some swimming in. There is a music institute here and I resume my guitar classes. Being alone you need “good supply of happy hormones generating activities”. Then secure the Kumbakonam villa, then pool and music score sheets as consequential events. But if God were to appear and grant a boon, in today’s mood I would press for a release. 
            I don’t know how to evaluate my life; whether I am a force of good or bad, whether I deserve a heaven or hell for a after-life but one thing I am certain: no one brought such pluck and endurance to life as I have. Or just a pistol shot blast of your brains which feels an inevitably. We make too much of life and death, both are the same if you ask me. 

Sobering February

#160

Three insights here.

            First, I hate to admit this, I am wrong.  For long I had a chip on my shoulder about being neglected by my siblings.  But this counter thought made a lot of sense: We were from a dysfunctional family that did not teach us to bond or even relate. So all of us grew up like guests in a hotel, there was no family binding. To their good fortune, they found husbands and love and children for a purpose in life. I just could not  which I can’t hold it against them. Both mother and my eldest sister visited my new house, we promised to be civil and distant than be severed and coarse.

            Second, this incident shook me. I paid 1 lac as an advance for a villa in Kumbakonam in October. I was supposed to pay 9 lacs immediately but all those monies and more went into securing this apartment in Chennai. Yesterday I spoke to the Kumbakonam promoter which roughly went like this: Sir, I am terribly sorry. I was interacting with Gopalan who has had a surgery. I am more than three months behind schedule. Narasimhan said, “Sir, I have complete trust in you. With your 1 lac, we have started construction. As per agreement, you owe us 20 lacs now. The villa will be ready by April.” I told him of the bank loan and ended the conversation saying, “This chat warms my heart. I thought of transferring 8 lacs through netbanking. Now I will personally come and hand over the cheque.” 

            The third insight is APATHY. We live in age of excessive selfishness to the point of self-defeat. I was telling a friend, “You know what makes Chennai such a heartless city? We don’t care for others. Care has many levels: I don’t expect the level of care you would display when your wife or kid is in the ICU where you will drop everything and attend.” I have been in Besant nagar for three decades, only TH Iyer mama at 86 visited my new place.” Tambrahms in Chennai don’t realize the importance of visiting friends, inviting them over for lunches and dinners even once in a decade, a distant “hi and bye” kinds is no better than a stranger. All the humour, banter and jokes count for nothing if there is no care; primary first level care which a Mumbai, Blore or a Delhi has in abundant measure.

            Lastly I have grown a bit wiser in 2020. I no longer yank my mouth after this realization hit me hard: if you realize how little others think or care for you, you wouldn’t open your mouth. I watched “A beautiful day in the neighborhood” and “1917” for Oscar season. I am planning “Parasite” (Korean film), “Little women”, “Joker” and any Oscar nominated movie in town. These really engage, they inspire me on creativity and integrity in storytelling. That's how the time rolls here.