6 months have gone in this year; it’s been incredibly hard on the loan front. Despite running marathons, I am still on the starting block. Now I must think of other options; painful in thought and “knock in the gut”. Maybe try leasing or try a soft skills training assignment. I have a distaste for working; I hate any person sitting in judgement.
The world is incredibly selfish. I have found selfless acceptance (selfless love is too strong a word) from a Sarada Mami and TH Iyer mama in life; Ranga would be nature’s munificence for a free mentor. But by and large I am a victim of this self-serving world. Today I am in a dark mood to jog my memories of an apathetic world.
a) A classmate invited me to Delhi couple of years ago saying, “Sathya, use my spare apartment. Stay for months, my cook will also work for you. I need some writing done from you and I will compensate you enough to manage your daily expenses.” It sounded too good to be true, my little brain would not arrive on such a fantasy fix. It took me a week to realize that there are no free lunches in the world. I learnt this lesson: never accept any gratuitous hospitality. It’s always a Ponzi scheme, too good to be true.
b) pUsHpA is a metaphor for self-interest - the woman saw me as a Greek God dumped me the instant I lost the TOI job. Her attitude changed from a “soulmate” to “best buddies” in a matter of seconds. I was too naïve and went along, she bided her time (dictionary meaning is "wait for a favorable opportunity') for a bigger catch before the knife was plunged with indecent haste.
c) Then there was a CEO of a software giant who asked his top management to interview me for a job. This reference came from his uncle who is my biggest well-wisher. The team concluded upon meeting me, “He is very talented but over-aged for a “soft skills training coordinator” profile!! The irony is the brand ambassador of this young company is a 78 years old Amitabh Bachchan while a 49 years old is over the hill.
d) The worst was Raghu who I befriended in Kumbakonam. He said, “Sathya, we will look after you. Invest in this property, there is a food canteen for your brahmanical palette and we will take care of you on a medical emergency.” These days he does not even take my calls. This from a person who repeatedly said, “You are a younger brother to me.”
e) Finally, the builder of this Palavakkam apartment promising, “Sathya, you are one of the few customers who is paying the full amount from his savings. It is my duty to get you a bank loan. I have these HDFC guys in my pocket.” Couple of months later when I asked him to be a guarantor, he wriggled out, “I will lose my credit rating for future loans at the bank.”
a) A classmate invited me to Delhi couple of years ago saying, “Sathya, use my spare apartment. Stay for months, my cook will also work for you. I need some writing done from you and I will compensate you enough to manage your daily expenses.” It sounded too good to be true, my little brain would not arrive on such a fantasy fix. It took me a week to realize that there are no free lunches in the world. I learnt this lesson: never accept any gratuitous hospitality. It’s always a Ponzi scheme, too good to be true.
b) pUsHpA is a metaphor for self-interest - the woman saw me as a Greek God dumped me the instant I lost the TOI job. Her attitude changed from a “soulmate” to “best buddies” in a matter of seconds. I was too naïve and went along, she bided her time (dictionary meaning is "wait for a favorable opportunity') for a bigger catch before the knife was plunged with indecent haste.
c) Then there was a CEO of a software giant who asked his top management to interview me for a job. This reference came from his uncle who is my biggest well-wisher. The team concluded upon meeting me, “He is very talented but over-aged for a “soft skills training coordinator” profile!! The irony is the brand ambassador of this young company is a 78 years old Amitabh Bachchan while a 49 years old is over the hill.
d) The worst was Raghu who I befriended in Kumbakonam. He said, “Sathya, we will look after you. Invest in this property, there is a food canteen for your brahmanical palette and we will take care of you on a medical emergency.” These days he does not even take my calls. This from a person who repeatedly said, “You are a younger brother to me.”
e) Finally, the builder of this Palavakkam apartment promising, “Sathya, you are one of the few customers who is paying the full amount from his savings. It is my duty to get you a bank loan. I have these HDFC guys in my pocket.” Couple of months later when I asked him to be a guarantor, he wriggled out, “I will lose my credit rating for future loans at the bank.”
I can go on and on, pile more incidences to arrive at this conclusion: There is no care in this third world country. At least I am a bachelor spared of this monstrous disillusion: that a wife or kids care for you. Yes, care as long as a bird keeps piling gold bricks in the savings account!!!! A 2020 living is “everyone watches only his back. Others drowning or hanging makes no difference.” In this digital age we rubberneck on a drowning or an accident scene with a mobile phone!!!
Today my situation is as dire as a caged rat. Remember those mouse traps in my younger days; those wooden rectangular boxes with a coconut shell as a bait at one end and a sliding spring trapdoor at the other. There seems no escape route from here. But you plod on. Courage is waiting, courage is not giving up. Faith is to say, “I am a trapped rat by destiny but I will persevere. I accept my situation; it could have been much worse.” The only escape from here is to sprint as soon as the trapdoor is opened before the sod drowns me in a bucket of water or sets me up as a meal for the cats. Dignity is hanging in there. We don’t have the luxury of throwing in the towel like Sushant Singh. The greatest heroism is being knocked out yet stand on the feet before a referee's count. The body and mind have blackened out; yet you flail the arms hoping it will sting your opponent. No defeat is final until you stop trying; and when you are gone there is honour in a defeat.
My father is a prime example of an ACCEPTING mind. He fought till the end; never lost hope. He was seized with thoughts of going to work even as he lay dying inch by inch. His bottom gave out from a bedsore so deep that an entire gauze roll would fit in. You could see the backbone yet he hung on to hopes of recovery. And when he died, he had the most tranquil look on his face. When the ashes were immersed in the Besant Nagar beach, a tidal wave rose as tall as me on the shore and dragging me. It was as though nature was eager to have one of its best soldiers in its fold in the ever flowing timeless waves of the sea. God gives the sternest test to his toughest soldiers. The greatest bravery is to be in a losing battle, knowing there is no way out in the open. I have been on it ever since my birth. Like my father, keep fighting to the end. Dignity. Waiting. Humility, Patience - the game of life is never over until the bell tolls.
Dignity in despair! Agree with you, the greatest bravery is staying in losing battle like Abhimanyu. Head and morals high.
ReplyDeleteIn this lock-down times, I am doing a lot more of posts. These are stress busters. I loved this one; it took me 90 min. The thoughts just flowed, writing kept to its pace.
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