Cliffhanger

#184

Saturday I was gutted (bitterly disappointed or upset was the meaning I ran up now).  The RBL loan process went up to Technical (where they measure the apartment) and legal and everything was a smooth sailing.  Finally, after dithering for a week RBL said “No”. A dagger to the heart would have been kinder. That Saturday evening, I felt a pain in the tummy. I rushed out for a couple of smokes. In the night sleep just wouldn’t come.

            Sunday (yesterday) I did not have a bath till 4:00 in the evening not withstanding my puritanical make-up. Today the drinking water – I get a Bisleri can of water and heat it warm enough for a drink – overheated for nearly 30 minutes and the vessel started to smell. Then I had a second night of sleeplessness which was more than when a woman dumped me more than a decade back.

            I spoke to a friend. He said, “This means you need to put the house on sale. Invest 50 lacs in bank savings. And whatever is left over, you can play the stock market.” It was most sensible advice when the ship-deck was burning.

            In the last three days, my smoking has gone up. There are still options for raising 10-12 lacs capital without selling the place but they come with a lot of risks (which frankly makes them not worthwhile). One thought obsessed me in bed as I had the whole of the night for misery; I am a BLOODY GOOD WRITER but the society never gave me a foot on the door. Then SOFT SKILLS training but by then my energies were flagged out for selling it to the harsh world. Then came STOCK MARKET trading like a manna from heaven and I had locked myself out on this apartment purchase. You can whip your sorrows many times feeling the trend has been against you: Done in by stupid parents, excerbated by siblings, and a diva who kicked my heart like football. Anything  I touched turned to stone; what’s the antonym for Midas touch…..Sathya’s touch!!!!

            I started to check on property dealers and today in the morning my cook Nalini called (I have stopped her services since July for I can’t afford). Said she, “Sir, how are you? I called in to check out.” The solace came from that unexpected source. She is super resourceful, “Sir, don’t worry. Don’t skip your meals. We will work something out.” My loan consultant is the best in the world. That I am still standing in the race is his perseverance. He consoled, “Sir, my business has been down for the last 5 months. I will certainly get you a loan and then you can help me with my investments.” Uday is a man of few words and this got in a lot of life energies.

            In the morning I watched “The greatest game ever played” and that filled the mind with new thoughts instead of wallowing in defeat and despair. I loved this movie so much that I recorded the last 10 minutes on my mobile phone for a motivation piece. Same thing I did with the movie “Togo”. Watching “Secretariat” last week filled me with boundless energy – it’s a movie on the greatest American racing horse. I loved it as much as a “Ford V Ferrari”. Movies are my best friends; they never let me down. When I am sunk in the deepest sorrows, my mind is so damn super negative that it loses its capacity for reading or even listening to music. Yesterday I chanted in my loudest volume for 30 minutes of “Rudram” (hymns to Shiva) and they got in the much needed vocal energy.

            I am at a stage in life where death would be a blessing. I am also at a maturity level for a bit of detachment, I still have a mind to experiment. Nowadays I put my knees in front of the tap of hot water; it feels soothing for a 5 minutes’ flow. You vary the temperature, use the mug and it takes your mind away from the burning fires of hell. Do it thrice a day and it’s a good break from the raging fires inside. Also before going to bed, I massage my knees and thighs with coconut oil. Massaging the soles of the feet and the crown of the head (scalp) with a pinch of oil and it does cool the system down. Today I tried an oil bath – smeared myself in ginger oil and dried for an hour before getting under the shower and a shampoo. Again mighty recuperating.

            If you love yourself, do something that expresses it. Dying is easy, I have pills in my cupboard for a guaranteed peaceful exit (I am brainy enough for a research and resourceful enough to stock) but one thought stops me: however bleak and dire my situation is, I still have a roof over my head and three squares. I also have a person like Nalini to call in, even RV Rajan called out of the blue (Sathya, I have not seen your FB posts for a while. Just called in to check). I realize all too deeply: Just be your friend in thought and action. Sure we all want to die in peace, escape this moronic society (I would rather be born as a dog in America than be a human being in India if God gives these options in a tick-box) but you allow nature to put you to sleep. For the moment hot water flow, massages and oil bath. And any stray friendly connections that just says, "Don't worry, things will change for the better." Better say it yourself to yourself. 

Bruised and battered

#184

Living in this country is a sin; worst karmic punishment to death by drops than a snap by a noose. This society is intrinsically that of robbers, dacoits, highway stickup artists.

            Take Indian politics and it's a gutter; the stench of a corporation garbage can. Our MLAs are herded to a resort each time there is an imminent threat. Sonia Gandhi, the Italian, can’t speak a sentence without a European accent. She has no leadership or administrative acumen; highly probable she has lesser intellect than your kindergarten teacher. That she has managed to survive 3 decades in the cesspool of politics indicates just this: she controls the treasury of 3 generations loot. Indians don’t suck up to a family unless there is a sugar mountain to nibble. Politics is such a untreated sewage of industrial waste. Imagine a company whose turnover is 10 crores and employs 100 people – do you think any employee would respect the CEO if the man is all over IT cases, ED raids or appears in the gossip columns. The corrupt media is bought over; every so called analyst on television discusses anything under the sun than reality. It does not require a Holmes to deduce, “Gehlot sucks up to the Gandhis with regular payouts; he has his own set of money managers who do the dirty work (so that gives a buffer of deniability if caught), distributes power to win loyalty, and carries on the burdens of administering a state in senility. Gehlot at least speaks a sentence of sense which is beyond a Joe Biden in America. From politics the Himalayan stench fills our lives --- nepotism at work (every industrialists is succeeded by this sons or daughters and we wait till they dissent and break-up), the movies are full of sex and violence with bird brained plots (Madhuri’s “Choli ke peeche” is the level). So we end up worshiping cricketers (you need some ability to reach that level) and film stars who are shameless to any degree (the word “actor” in any language means a “prostitute”) while the system keeps out a good and brainy chap like me bruised and battered. Just swamped and run over by mediocrity and I am “keeping my legs up in good cheer” not participating any commercial or social activity of Bhartvarsha, jumbudvepa!!!

            My idling brain continues to spurt out wisdom like a leaky tap as it dwelt on prayers. If you are living in India you need tons of faith. How you word your prayers is extremely important. If the Lord where to appear before you, “Ask a boon and it shall be done.” In my younger days when I was already cynical I would have said, “Give me a ATM where my balance never reduces below 1 lac no matter how many times I withdraw in a day AND a Bollywood heroine for the nocturnal pleasures.” I am not one of those guys wiping noses of kids or change nappies. I never had a cherished childhood and so let no kid go through me. Then you read a lot of spiritual gibberish where you are taught to say, "Lord, give me wisdom and detachment. Viveka and Vairagya by which I attain moksha.” Now pushing 50+ I realize how much of a con this is. If you have never had a taste of refined happiness of moksha and you want that delivered on a platter. If I was God I would have replied, “O bhakta, you are incredibly foolish. I am ashamed of you. I withdraw my boons and you can scratch your balls for all I care.” Before I zeroed on this prayer yesterday (reason enough for a blog): Let me make peace with my mind. Here I take onus on what is happening in my mind; it is within grasp and it needs my efforts. And peaceful thoughts leads to better feelings and an equanimous state.

            Yesterday I watched “Saving Mr. Banks” and it blew me away. The movie shows a desperate Walt Disney coaxing Mrs. Travers for the movie-rights of her book “Mary Poppins”.  Travers is a cantankerous woman; she is a cranky old dame quick to take offense, nasty retorts (literary genius you see). She is one those worst teachers who a Pink Floyd caricatured in “Just another brick in the wall” song. Emma Thompson as Mrs. Travers was a genius casting; you felt those barbs and sarcasm for a brilliant script writing. There was a beautiful line in the movie- Life is an illusion. You don’t know what’s going to happen but whatever will happen has already happened in the past.” This triggered this thought in “we are forever surprised by our lives which is useless vanity when the past just keeps repeating itself day after day with every little change.” We never get tired of our silly stories, we are addicted to our sorrows because we love to wallow on our past repeating endlessly. This is MAYA. You can go through life as a sick worm and worry about your grades, your jobs, your faithless wives, ungrateful kids with nothing new to masticate in the head. Tell me, how many of us climb the Everest or game enough for a ski or do bungee jumping or any stupid thing. We don’t even know the stars on the overhead skies; we learn no instruments and play deaf to music; we don't know how to shepherd a herd much less milk a cow, or worse still not take cudgels for a fight. We are programmed for mediocrity, to go with the flow. And we end up living from a useless book of role-plays. No species on the planet is as insular as an Indian!!! 

            Then this realization steals over: we live in our minds. We carry that mind to the next world when the body is dusted and immersed in the rivers. To such an immortal mind we pay no heed and busy in shopping malls out to impress our neighbours. Life slips away moment to moment; we pride in the noisily ignorance of our small, petty lives. So let me pray: let me make peace with the flowing thoughts of my mind.  Let me drive my own car in the journey I carve. And I will put this silly letter "I" before anyone and any event. I live to celebrate my life and I am the master of my ship. Bugger off. 

Wisdom starts by right thinking

#183

The biggest mystery of wisdom is “how to fix thoughts that inspire and elevate”.  Noble and wholesome thoughts come, stay in the mind for a while, and diffuse out. They don’t replace the negative circuitry. At the intellect level, you could be wiser than a Moses but the wear and tear of living is such that we revert back to our familiar self-defeating neural circuitry.  This needs a briefest explanation – in the first 6 months of this year my emotional state flowed in these hues: Alexander the Great for physical courage and motivation then I slipped into outrage at HDFC for not furnishing the loan, then a bit of word studies for a “feel good” and “monthly maintenance of self-esteem”. I also got excited on my Gita recordings, explored Youtube for recordings, despair on the loan delay that usually leads to triggering feelings of hate on my siblings (I don't have a blood relative to be a co-applicant to a loan).  So the feelings and emotions for 2020 are: courage, outrage, revenge, contentment, excitement, forlorn, abandonment, friendship and more. My emotions dictionary is limited for I have only myself to handle, in a family set more emotions flow.

            I love myself this year for patience and waiting; these two attributes are teaching me a lot. I go to bed with a semblance, say wee bit, of a good feel but I wake up tired and exhausted. I get no respite from nightmares that are as perennial as a Godavari or Krishna. Then I started experimenting on my "first act" of the day – I tried chanting 10 Gayatris on waking for a fortnight, next month I tried SPARRC exercises even before brushing teeth, another month I resolved a bath before 7:00 am, later a week of pranayama (the exhalation being twice the inhalation for 5 min) but nothing seems to fix the weariness. I also tried affirmations in which I claim a high expertise, those wear thin too. Finally, I hit upon this – laugh your heart first thing in the morning. Watch a collection of funnies on Youtube (keep a folder that tickles you, keep updating). To laugh without a care for no rhyme or reason is not insanity. It keeps those facial muscles from a grumpy look and improve your immunity besides re-wiring your neural circuitry.

            I realized one insight about myself this year – I am a bit of chronic worrier and a proclivity for revenge. Both highly toxic to the level of dousing myself in gasoline and setting it aflame for a visual metaphor. What I love about myself is “try different things and keep working till you get a fix”. You need to vary your medicines on getting up bright as a bean. Laughing is the flavor of this week, maybe I will get bored next week and try another stream.

            2019 was a fabulous year. It had SPARRC workouts in the mornings, stock market trading for the mornings and afternoons, I also got in a bit of swimming. The best state of mind is a curiosity state (being inquisitive from learning) and staying excited with the results I was fetching in the stock markets. To stir my passions is not an easy thing, you need a spurt of mental energy that feels good inside. Why do you meditate? To remove habitual negative patterns of energies in the mind. To dilute fear, insecurity, hatred, animosity, and lust. But you also need an activity in the day that gives a “high”. It could be talking to a cheerful voice at the end of a line (these are getting fewer by the day) or unexpected good news (could be a comment to my blogs or someone writing in) or better still manufacture your own laughs.
          Movies too produce their share of endorphins. I loved "Togo", "Mary Poppins", "Miracle of 34 street", Whoopi Goldberg in "Sister Act", Steve Martin "Father of the Bride".  I was lost in admiration on "Ford v Ferrari" (it gets my vote for the "Best picture" of Oscars 2020) and "Jojo Rabbit". I also find stray wisdom. Today I found myself hooked to BK Shivani thoughts. She says: "Don't allow another's gross behaviour to affect your thinking. How you react to negativity determines your karma. Don't lose your equanimity." It's so obvious you need these random reminders. Shivani also talked about an "invisible halo" that tells more about your state of mind to others than words and gestures. There is wisdom everywhere, our job is to keep collecting them in the bags of the mind hoping that someday they cement themselves. The best of living is keep trying, bettering yourself, maybe you will hit gold at the end of a rainbow. 

At my thinking peak!

#182

I hate my rapids on Dauntless but then writing is a stress-buster. Two, I find myself discovering new wells of insights. You just need one thought that improves on your past storehouse of thoughts; that’s the trigger for new thinking, possibly a better feeling, and prayerfully a change in action. A “new thought” is the mother of change – that important it is. So please don’t cringe on my almost 3-4 blog posts a week. If I had enough of living moments, I would prefer just one blog post a month. But then I am a hopelessly idle body and so the mind goes into overdrive. Fancy that!

            I was listening to Swami Paramarthananda’s gurupurnima talk and it inspired this in my mind: We are eternal beings not limited by time. We always exist in some form or the other. It is up to us whether we stagnate for thousands of years or cultivate peace of mind to whatever degree. This thought is so elevating that if you start ruminating on this half a dozen times a day, it’s unlikely you will act in haste, or be inordinately selfish for short term gains, or try to steal a gold bar when no one is looking (life is a game of golf on integrity – no one is checking on you but no golf player steal meters for any advantage). It been decades when I feel so upbeat over an insight.

            I loved the movie “Ford v Ferrari” and motor racing is a manly sport. When you are introduced to this world of motor racing – the builders, drivers, engineers, design fabricators and works – you marvel at their obsession. They push the machine to its limits. There is a pursuit of perfection (which is more than excellence) for a Ken Miles or Nikki Lauda or Ayrton Senna or Michael Schumacher on driving a perfect lap. The gear changes, braking at corners, full blast on the straights – perfection in any pursuit is “god performing” work. I loved the revving sounds of the engine, the pit stops and it took my mind to reading Hemingway’s “Death in the afternoon” on bull fighting. These two worlds are so far removed; but the artistry of Hemingway had me hooked. So was this movie. Now I add two items to my bucket list – watch a bull fight in Spain and watch a F-1 race in person.

            I also like my music to be masculine. I loved Bon Jovi’s acoustic version of “It’s my life” and take any Dire Straits song or rock music as a genre, it’s not for sissies. The percussion is at your face, volume is blaring, the lyrics are never straight forward but the intent is to beat the hell out of you. Bring that attitude of “rebellious” and “my own thinking” to life.

            These days I find myself ruminating a lot. Death of the body is no cause for sadness. Look on it as a change of clothes, you get a newer and younger body. You also get a new set of parents and a new of set of lovers and wives – not a bad deal at all. Any time I go to a temple, which is rare, my constant prayer is this: Lord, give me a mother in my next birth who bonds. I don’t mind being born a dog or cat or any of your everyday humbler creation but let there be this primary bonding. If you get this wrong, the entire life is a burden. Ask me!

            Now let’s go back to that insight that “I am an eternal being where time has no relevance for I always exists in some form or the other.” As Gandhi articulated so well: Live as if you were to die tomorrow; learn as if you were to live forever. He deserves all the honours for generating this thought despite bungling on the political fronts. To live with courage, act with freedom, speak your thoughts unabashedly each time, to be the master of your time and energy is to live. You finally realize that the outward gains of money or fame is this world’s accounting and nothing to do in the cosmic accounting book. And if you are obsessed about perfection in any field of activity you are indeed god. You have no one to impress but the face in the shaving mirror. 

We get it all wrong!

#181

This is my “Eureka” moment. Remember Archimedes who got so excited that he ran naked on the street to meet the king having found a way to determine the purity of gold.  The word “eureka” is rich in meaning: a common experience that suddenly makes sense of an earlier incomprehensible problem for a “Aha” moment.

            Today my quicksilver mind hit this shore for a thought: we are fools in search of a paradise where peace abounds, there is understanding, there is love and everything positive about the place. It’s sheer lunatic fantasy. There's no kingdom of heaven, we are inhabitants of hell. The concept of happiness is a philosopher's quest and a poet's aspiration but in reality there is no such thing. Everyone I know goes through rivers of sorrow - some more intense than others. But the background music of sadness is an Einstein constant!!!! So if you drop your silly quest for happiness, be comfortable in your moroseness it makes living so much easier. However ecstatic a honeymoon was, you always hit the ground to a sad state as a pendulum swing.  Any search or spiritual practice for HARMONY, PEACE, HAPPINESS is a mirage; an illusion and a mad dog’s lunacy contracted by rabies. As human beings we are born out of sorrow (product of two miserable parents who got horny) and everything from birth is a journey in pain. Of course there is pleasure once in a blue moon in a third world country like India.  But as a thumb rule expect sorrow and misery as a natural state of mind. We are condemned to row in islands of anger, betrayal, hostility, jealousy, arrogance, lust. 

Each time you despair, get a self-serving perspective: It could have been worse. Look around there are millions suffering on an unimaginable scale.... 5 years girl carrying a baby half her size at traffic signals, lost limbs and stumped beggars at a temple entrance, grieving widows as the body of a husband starts towards a funeral. There are a million situations of sadness, we are all in line. So after each meal thank yourself, upon waking up “experience a genuine surprise and wonderment”, after every salary deposited in your bank account “dance with joy”. You have all it takes to survive in a dacoit society. Don’t do one act of kindness to others; heap love, understanding, gratitude and forgiveness on yourself alone. Since we live in a society it pays to be civil in your “good mornings” and “false smiles”. Treasure just one soul in the universe; the perpendicular pronoun “I”.

Is there happiness after death? I suppose not. Expect sadness, betrayal, apathy at every corner; then a stray act of kindness would be a balm. My simple argument in this blog post is "Don't covet peace or harmony or happiness" for it's an addictive drug for a misplaced understanding of life. We expect happiness and peace as a birthright and when denied it's disconcerting. Every one of us wants love and respect; we don't get them as we deny these gifts to others. The Indian system defeats us so often that we longer feel special to ourselves. 

My cynicism is complete. It should take a brave man or a woman to marry. I think it's a good idea that prior to a wedding the priest has a private chat: Step into the world of sadness; be prepared for running noses, bawling babies, everyday fights, insipid sex, unpaid bills, bully bosses, constant job losses and also add a pandemic. Now tell me, do you Mr. X take Y to be your legally wedded wife. No my honour. Numerically there are more thorns than roses, more worms than birds, more gross men than wholesome ones ..... ...hence more misery than moments of happiness.  
   When this thought hit me in the morning, I was stumped. The truth was staring at my face for 51 years yet I was slow on the uptake. So this is my “Eureka” moment. Each experience of living tells me just this: You and you alone matter. Don’t expect a residency visa on an island of pure joy, pure peace, pure happiness, pure tranquility. These are con words; revel in your imperfections, celebrate your negativity, and when positivity surfaces on rare occasions treat them as an imposter. That’s the truth of this world and the next. 

Dignity in despair

#180

6 months have gone in this year; it’s been incredibly hard on the loan front. Despite running marathons, I am still on the starting block. Now I must think of other options; painful in thought and “knock in the gut”. Maybe try leasing or try a soft skills training assignment. I have a distaste for working; I hate any person sitting in judgement.

            The world is incredibly selfish. I have found selfless acceptance (selfless love is too strong a word) from a Sarada Mami and TH Iyer mama in life; Ranga would be nature’s munificence for a free mentor. But by and large I am a victim of this self-serving world. Today I am in a dark mood to jog my memories of an apathetic world.     
a)     A classmate invited me to Delhi couple of years ago saying, “Sathya, use my spare apartment. Stay for months, my cook will also work for you. I need some writing done from you and I will compensate you enough to manage your daily expenses.” It sounded too good to be true, my little brain would not arrive on such a fantasy fix. It took me a week to realize that there are no free lunches in the world. I learnt this lesson: never accept any gratuitous hospitality. It’s always a Ponzi scheme, too good to be true.   
b)     pUsHpA is a metaphor for self-interest - the woman saw me as a Greek God dumped me the instant I lost the TOI job. Her attitude changed from a “soulmate” to “best buddies” in a matter of seconds. I was too naïve and went along, she bided her time (dictionary meaning is "wait for a favorable opportunity') for a bigger catch before the knife was plunged with indecent haste. 
c)      Then there was a CEO of a software giant who asked his top management to interview me for a job. This reference came from his uncle who is my biggest well-wisher. The team concluded upon meeting me, “He is very talented but over-aged for a “soft skills training coordinator” profile!! The irony is the brand ambassador of this young company is a 78 years old Amitabh Bachchan while a 49 years old is over the hill.  
d)     The worst was Raghu who I befriended in Kumbakonam. He said, “Sathya, we will look after you. Invest in this property, there is a food canteen for your brahmanical palette and we will take care of you on a medical emergency.” These days he does not even take my calls. This from a person who repeatedly said, “You are a younger brother to me.”  
e)     Finally, the builder of this Palavakkam apartment promising, “Sathya, you are one of the few customers who is paying the full amount from his savings. It is my duty to get you a bank loan. I have these HDFC guys in my pocket.” Couple of months later when I asked him to be a guarantor, he wriggled out, “I will lose my credit rating for future loans at the bank.”

I can go on and on, pile more incidences to arrive at this conclusion: There is no care in this third world country. At least I am a bachelor spared of this monstrous disillusion: that a wife or kids care for you. Yes, care as long as a bird keeps piling gold bricks in the savings account!!!! A 2020 living is “everyone watches only his back. Others drowning or hanging makes no difference.” In this digital age we rubberneck on a drowning or an accident scene with a mobile phone!!! 

            Today my situation is as dire as a caged rat. Remember those mouse traps in my younger days; those wooden rectangular boxes with a coconut shell as a bait at one end and a sliding spring trapdoor at the other. There seems no escape route from here. But you plod on. Courage is waiting, courage is not giving up. Faith is to say, “I am a trapped rat by destiny but I will persevere. I accept my situation; it could have been much worse.” The only escape from here is to sprint as soon as the trapdoor is opened before the sod drowns me in a bucket of water or sets me up as a meal for the cats. Dignity is hanging in there. We don’t have the luxury of throwing in the towel like Sushant Singh. The greatest heroism is being knocked out yet stand on the feet before a referee's count. The body and mind have blackened out; yet you flail the arms hoping it will sting your opponent. No defeat is final until you stop trying; and when you are gone there is honour in a defeat.

My father is a prime example of an ACCEPTING mind. He fought till the end; never lost hope. He was seized with thoughts of going to work even as he lay dying inch by inch. His bottom gave out from a bedsore so deep that an entire gauze roll would fit in. You could see the backbone yet he hung on to hopes of recovery. And when he died, he had the most tranquil look on his face. When the ashes were immersed in the Besant Nagar beach, a tidal wave rose as tall as me on the shore and dragging me. It was as though nature was eager to have one of its best soldiers in its fold in the ever flowing timeless waves of the sea. God gives the sternest test to his toughest soldiers. The greatest bravery is to be in a losing battle, knowing there is no way out in the open. I have been on it ever since my birth. Like my father, keep fighting to the end. Dignity. Waiting. Humility, Patience - the game of life is never over until the bell tolls.