The penny drops

Some title to start a line of thought!  A belated realization after a prolonged confusion is what the phrase means. There is a reason why I hunted for it.

            I am the most diffident creature among the bipeds. Being in and out of jobs and staying alone and managing a house on your own steam for decades is not likely to make anyone spray and of good cheer. Such an abandoned wastrel of an existence feels a noose round the neck.

            The weather in Madras in the last three weeks added to the mind’s gloom as hell. This is the start of the North-East and the season of storms and cyclones. The skies get almost pitch dark throughout the day mandating electric lights to be switched on. Besides in this blessed city it rains right through without taking a break to a wretched monotony. So sitting at home, a bit of cold around the knees and arthritis, the wet clothes that don’t dry, the mind is prey to melancholy.

            The grey thoughts in the mind burgeoned like poppies before I realized; I have been on my own since I stepped into adulthood and I have not come worse off. There is only person who saw me through all the plights – my story reads such a tragedy that even Greek epics like Iliad comes a tame whimper -  and yet I stand  sturdy and on my feet. I should give that person a lot of respect and love. In fact worship that person and sing his tales. That’s when the penny dropped. I must treat myself a lot more regally than the habitual self-pity and put me downs. The spin-off is this; if you have to go through a painful stretch of experience then why add sadness to it and make the monkey heavier on the shoulder?

            Such ennobling thoughts don’t jump on you at random. This might be the result of my monthly Vipassanas for at least 40 days of 4:30 to 9:00 pm schedule sitting cross-legged and watching my breath. Then I fill up the day in Besant nagar with these Bhagavad Gita transcriptions. The Gita starts off with this thought: The intensity of sorrow is directly proportional to the intensity of dependence. Grieving over expectant pleasure in the future not coming to fruition in the present is just as bad as one-sided infatuation. Then I got into this mode of thinking – I am as strong as a bull chewing the cud as the storms are emptied out. It is a picture of stoicism and not even bothering to take cover. Have I not outlived my storms too?  I respect my resilience. And if this is the lesson I have learnt in this five months of unemployment it is well worth such idleness.

            2014 has been an excellent year; the first half in Abu Dhabi and the second half in Chennai. Did the rich supply of money make me happy? I don’t think so. The mind felt a lot insecure having to cope with a mad buffalo like Mohan Natesan at work. And even on holidays and after office hours my mind would be plunged in sorrow. .

            I remember telling the waiters and other friends at Al Naeem quarters when they enquired about my family. I learnt to say this with a straight face,” I have a wife and two daughters back at home.” I had to hide my embarrassment and pinning insecurity on my sleeves in a foreign country is never a wise thing at all. Now four Vipassana retreats and 38 posts of transcriptions of Swamiji’s talks later, my mind is growing in mental strength. My mouth is a lot quiet and the heart does not feel a raging fire. I feel a lot tranquillity and stillness.

            There are three people I am obligated to in these times when the clock seems as stretched for a wanderer lost in the desert. My sister calls every day; Manisha for her mails and Vivek who calls frequently to enquire,” What’s up, Sathya?” This inclement weather and dark skies forbid any walking jaunts to the Eliots or the Theosophical Society. I must record Manisha’s mother’s optimism. Whenever I feel my sorrow flows like a raging river I speak to her for solace and she calms down the fears every time. It is a genius mind who can offer a balm to me. This time she said,” Sathya, you are such a fine writer. Yesterday I was watching Sri Sri on television and I couldn’t help recollect your story on spiritual gurus and their over promotion and marketing. I read your book from cover to cover and you are very talented. Just have patience and the Lord will show some way. It won’t remain the same. I am sure you’ll go back to UAE to a better job and better work environment.”

            I might have spoken less than half a dozen times to her and now I know where to go when the nerves are bubbling up as in a pressure cooker. Of course I have to thank my cook, the ever wise and reliable Thangam too. She has been this pillar of normality for me as she presents herself at 9:00 am on the dot at the kitchen to a friendly word and cheer. 

            I feel a lot better as November gets under-way. In fact I have not hunting for a job with any fervour. Moreover editing and content jobs they have their own recruitment process time. It also needs someone batting for me unlike other jobs. So I buzz old clients and friends for reference and try to get a toe in somewhere. I am firm too on this score: I hate to work for any ass and moron. More than money I need respect at work and humourous colleagues. My skills are first rate, in the last 7 years every client or manager I encountered had nothing but lavish praise on the merit of my work.  Most realize I am in a different orbit altogether. I have never doubted my abilities even for a microsecond; I know I just need a good work environment and my train will run smooth on the rails.  

            Dr. Rajaram is excited with a word I tossed around last month. So each time we meet he’ll say,” Badonkadonk”. I chanced this word on an American channel and since then we bandy it across. By the way this is an American slang for a woman with a voluptuous back and so you can imagine the amount of fun we squeeze. Badonkadonk sounds great as you roll it off your tongue.

            Come 7^th November it will be the 25^th shardham of my father. I have lived for a quarter of century without people and without festivals and without anyone fussing over me. My mind is still young and willing to learn despite the regular storms, hurricanes, depressions, cyclones, tornadoes and more.