Cliffhanger

#184

Saturday I was gutted (bitterly disappointed or upset was the meaning I ran up now).  The RBL loan process went up to Technical (where they measure the apartment) and legal and everything was a smooth sailing.  Finally, after dithering for a week RBL said “No”. A dagger to the heart would have been kinder. That Saturday evening, I felt a pain in the tummy. I rushed out for a couple of smokes. In the night sleep just wouldn’t come.

            Sunday (yesterday) I did not have a bath till 4:00 in the evening not withstanding my puritanical make-up. Today the drinking water – I get a Bisleri can of water and heat it warm enough for a drink – overheated for nearly 30 minutes and the vessel started to smell. Then I had a second night of sleeplessness which was more than when a woman dumped me more than a decade back.

            I spoke to a friend. He said, “This means you need to put the house on sale. Invest 50 lacs in bank savings. And whatever is left over, you can play the stock market.” It was most sensible advice when the ship-deck was burning.

            In the last three days, my smoking has gone up. There are still options for raising 10-12 lacs capital without selling the place but they come with a lot of risks (which frankly makes them not worthwhile). One thought obsessed me in bed as I had the whole of the night for misery; I am a BLOODY GOOD WRITER but the society never gave me a foot on the door. Then SOFT SKILLS training but by then my energies were flagged out for selling it to the harsh world. Then came STOCK MARKET trading like a manna from heaven and I had locked myself out on this apartment purchase. You can whip your sorrows many times feeling the trend has been against you: Done in by stupid parents, excerbated by siblings, and a diva who kicked my heart like football. Anything  I touched turned to stone; what’s the antonym for Midas touch…..Sathya’s touch!!!!

            I started to check on property dealers and today in the morning my cook Nalini called (I have stopped her services since July for I can’t afford). Said she, “Sir, how are you? I called in to check out.” The solace came from that unexpected source. She is super resourceful, “Sir, don’t worry. Don’t skip your meals. We will work something out.” My loan consultant is the best in the world. That I am still standing in the race is his perseverance. He consoled, “Sir, my business has been down for the last 5 months. I will certainly get you a loan and then you can help me with my investments.” Uday is a man of few words and this got in a lot of life energies.

            In the morning I watched “The greatest game ever played” and that filled the mind with new thoughts instead of wallowing in defeat and despair. I loved this movie so much that I recorded the last 10 minutes on my mobile phone for a motivation piece. Same thing I did with the movie “Togo”. Watching “Secretariat” last week filled me with boundless energy – it’s a movie on the greatest American racing horse. I loved it as much as a “Ford V Ferrari”. Movies are my best friends; they never let me down. When I am sunk in the deepest sorrows, my mind is so damn super negative that it loses its capacity for reading or even listening to music. Yesterday I chanted in my loudest volume for 30 minutes of “Rudram” (hymns to Shiva) and they got in the much needed vocal energy.

            I am at a stage in life where death would be a blessing. I am also at a maturity level for a bit of detachment, I still have a mind to experiment. Nowadays I put my knees in front of the tap of hot water; it feels soothing for a 5 minutes’ flow. You vary the temperature, use the mug and it takes your mind away from the burning fires of hell. Do it thrice a day and it’s a good break from the raging fires inside. Also before going to bed, I massage my knees and thighs with coconut oil. Massaging the soles of the feet and the crown of the head (scalp) with a pinch of oil and it does cool the system down. Today I tried an oil bath – smeared myself in ginger oil and dried for an hour before getting under the shower and a shampoo. Again mighty recuperating.

            If you love yourself, do something that expresses it. Dying is easy, I have pills in my cupboard for a guaranteed peaceful exit (I am brainy enough for a research and resourceful enough to stock) but one thought stops me: however bleak and dire my situation is, I still have a roof over my head and three squares. I also have a person like Nalini to call in, even RV Rajan called out of the blue (Sathya, I have not seen your FB posts for a while. Just called in to check). I realize all too deeply: Just be your friend in thought and action. Sure we all want to die in peace, escape this moronic society (I would rather be born as a dog in America than be a human being in India if God gives these options in a tick-box) but you allow nature to put you to sleep. For the moment hot water flow, massages and oil bath. And any stray friendly connections that just says, "Don't worry, things will change for the better." Better say it yourself to yourself.