Take tiny steps

#185

The last ten days were the worst of 3 years. I over reached buying a house with my entire savings with a default thinking (now proving to be defunct thinking) that a loan of 15-20 lacs is as easy to get as the next breath for a property worth 5 times and more. Not getting a loan is worse than your worst nightmare – had I lost in the stock markets at least “I played to my ability or disability” but not getting a loan meant “non-playing”. One of the worst things of life is crashing of dreams from lack of a trial.

     Let me explain. I may have a mistaken view that I am a good singer and I practice for 3 hours a day. Say 2-3 years have gone; by then you will get a good indication of your ability. Your tuition teacher would assess you, your struggles or pleasures in learning will serve as a mirror. You can’t fool yourself by far to a delusion. Within 6 months you will know where you stand on your singing – genius levels or average or mediocre or an impossible case. But the worst is not trying it out. Soft skills training for me was untested: I felt a genius level instructor but no platform. I would love to fail a couple of times – and no more – to realize: my self-image on training was in the error for I now have an empirical evidence: my students yawned on my face, they kept arguing, and the feedback form is a lot of reds. Similarly if I had the loan against property and failed in the markets, it’s a failure well-earned. But I locked myself out and I so never know how good or bad I was for a “suicidal” streak misjudgment. Trust me, the worst failure is “not having an avenue to try it out” and those are the worst regrets. When nature denies a testing ground of your aspirations or competence, it’s many times worse than “the world giving you a direct and tangible thumbs down”.

     For two days I felt my heart flutter. I realized that maybe I should take anti-depressants when you wake up feeling licked and defeated. Then I came across a Facebook post on handling life’s mega sorrows. It read:

My grandmother once gave me a tip:

In difficult times, you move forward in small steps.

Do what you have to do, but little by little.

Don't think about the future, or what may happen tomorrow.

Wash the dishes.

Remove the dust.

Write a letter.

Make a soup.

You see?

You are advancing step by step.

Take a step and stop.

Rest a little.

Praise yourself.

Take another step.

Then another.

You won't notice, but your steps will grow more and more.

And the time will come when you can think about the future without crying.
- Elena Mikhalkova

Just what the doctor ordered as I ran my own list of activities.

My list reads:

   a) 20 minutes warming exercises on the terrace at 6:15 am (time measures discipline) followed by basic chanting on odd days while on even days 20 min of SPARRC inside would suffice.  
   b)  Bath before 9:00 am

   c) 20 min of guitaring in a day between 10:00 and 3:00
   d) 20 min of word and idiom study between 10:00 and 3:00
   e) One Hollywood movie a day 
   f) 10 min of pranayama between 6:00 and 8:00 pm 
   g) 20 min of affirmations in the day  
   h) Two 30 min Vipassana session in a day: one before lunch and another before dinner 
   i) Clean one room a day from rearranging, sweeping and mopping
   j) 30 min XLT session of past recordings  
   k) Check 5 stocks on trade tiger with Open interests and Options chain of NIFTY and BANK NIFTY and draw the multiple time charts

    If you take all these activities, they will not add up to more than 150 minutes (less than 3 hours in a day). Get this basic discipline for just 4-5 of the things listed here and at least you don’t fret and fume on the day. Don’t allow the mind to ruminate on the future in a depressed state. Determine not to think of the morrow.

     I plan to post SELL of my apartment in “no brokers” and “99 acres” dot com by tomorrow. I already have a prospect for a LEASING which is attractive but I must consult a friend on agreement and worst case scenarios. I still have a couple of loan options to run around. Mine is a liquidity problem and I will be fortunate to get a 20 lacs loan (then I have a chance to play out in the stock market) or I sell the house for a 10 lacs loss and then enter the stock market like a cyclist after a fracture in a fall. But life goes on irrespective of my action; they leave scars and learning. But a daily discipline at least keeps you from anti-depressants and gives you a chance to face the day. 

Post Script: I am taking a BLOGGING BREAK. I may be away for months. To my friends, I am doing fine. Don't assume the worst. :) :)There is still of lot of humour left in me; lots of fight too.