Life, the eternal bitch

#161

Being alone always has its cost. It’s an oddity that one grows almost as a separate species. In a family – which I have not seen since 2007 when my mother shifted to my sister’s place – I guess there is room for all types of emotions to trigger. Some pleasant, mostly unpleasant but there is a thin thread of bonding. If you are incapacitated and even if you are the most worthless, family-defeating member, you will be taken to a clinic when sick, cared for in an ICU when dying and cremation after death even if it is with a grudging sigh. But being alone you must pretty much arrange these inevitable stages.

            Being alone, you must pamper yourself. I set small goals; each time I make a 40 k profit in a deal I treat myself to a book on Amazon or a BBC video, or I plan a short trip, or invite Ranga to Maris for a drink,  or even a small packet of sweets from Aavin or Krishna Bhavan or buy a fancy item for the drawing room or watch a movie on the big screens. Two, more important than self-pamper you need to “ensure that there are no negative forces” to upset the fragile mask of peace. Even a small ant-bite is enough to drown you in an ocean of self-pity. So you learn to avoid stressful situations and boorish people. For me, the first sign of a “mind in free fall” is my smoking number goes up, I begin to curse my second sister, I begin to fantasize on suicide and death. When I reach such a stage, I drop everything and head for a Vipassana retreat.  There are only two people who call to enquire; T H Iyer mama at 86 and random calls of Manisha. Shivaja, a Rediffiland friend, calls me each time she is Blore. Which shows the world is excessively self-centered.

            I have been here in this new house for 6 weeks now waiting like a lost man in a desert for the mortgage loan. The more the delay, the more I doubt whether I can capture the form and momentum at the bourses. I am also pitching for “soft skills training” role which could get in some people quotient. I do need a platform to meet the next generation,. I am terrible marketing my wares, so now and then I drop a word to my friends – could you explore a possibility in your firm kinds? Knowing the apathetic world we live, such feeble attempts rarely get you anywhere. 

            My appreciation for Meera and Thangam who served my kitchen for 15 years have gone up manifold after coming here. I engaged Nalini as a cook here and she is terrible with no brahmanical instinct in culinary. I even brought my elder sister for a crash course, now I realize she needs more. It’s like starting someone from alphabets and "a for apple" kinds. To her credit, she brings in a positive attitude. There are days when I am pulling my strands in disgust. I tell you this: for a bachelor, a cook is the most important person for the food issue is vitally the most important. This area needs fixing.

            It's not easy with these odds. I am smoking a lot these days, waiting for the bank loan and trying to fix a food problem from an inept cook. This is more than an ant-bite for me to sink in the ocean of sorrow. But I am trying. Writing the four parts Alexander series felt so reassuring, that effort did shore up self-esteem. Today I am watching “Parasite” my third Oscar movie of the season.

            Each of my mental wanderings on blogs invariably ends with this thought and I don’t mind a million repetition: I live in an apathetic world. There is little bonding to life or any relation that offers warmth. I need to find a reason almost every month just to pull through. I stay in the race even after the bulls give up!!!! But each year, it gets more and more difficult.

            The best of Palavakkam would be: train this Nalini character or find another source, re-discover my skills at stock market trading, get SPARRC routine which means I need a two-wheeler which is a sound investment, get some swimming in. There is a music institute here and I resume my guitar classes. Being alone you need “good supply of happy hormones generating activities”. Then secure the Kumbakonam villa, then pool and music score sheets as consequential events. But if God were to appear and grant a boon, in today’s mood I would press for a release. 
            I don’t know how to evaluate my life; whether I am a force of good or bad, whether I deserve a heaven or hell for a after-life but one thing I am certain: no one brought such pluck and endurance to life as I have. Or just a pistol shot blast of your brains which feels an inevitably. We make too much of life and death, both are the same if you ask me.