Sure Signs of Tamas

#119 post in Dauntlesssathya (last post of 2018)

This lesson did not strike me until this week. It’s a powerful life lesson and any reader can benefit from. The lesson is simple but it took me a long time for the penny to drop – DON’T ARGUE OR REASON WITH FOOLS.  They are sure to bring you down to their mean levels. You end up hurting yourself.  Let me illustrate this from my life experiences.

            I used to tell V and L for decades: That you have not included me in festivals is something that hurts me. It reduces me to an ORPHAN status. Also when I fall sick or not in a physical state to walk to the restaurants for breakfast, I could do with a either a moral or physical assistance. Despite a million times of broaching this topic on phones, mails, in person and even a blog post they refused to get this into their minds. JUST BLANK IT OUT or wear a raincoat. Then I realized this: ONE CANNOT REASON OR DRILL SENSE INTO A CLOSED MIND. Latha was very finicky about the impression she creates with her industrialist sister-in-law. I even wrote to the tycoon expressing my disgust at L's behaviour and yet she did not have the courage to address.  One definition of TAMAS is “they don’t see reason even if you keep their heads on a western closet and flush it for a torture that is commonly seen in Hollywood interrogation scenes.” Or for an Indian imagery of shaking a tree for the fruits to drop. Some trees are so stiff that your hands would wring in exhaustion; these trees would rather prefer being hawed down than yield. Some people are sadly like that for a definition of INFLEXIBLE and INTRACTABLE. 

            Another person I drilled a hole in their head without getting anywhere was pUsHpa (she is always spelled this way to indicate a slithery snake). I used to tell her in the second half of 2008. “Look, you have your differences and I have my lists of angst against you. Let us meet, thrash it out. We owe this much to ourselves after Ahmedabad and Kodaikanal and Bangalore. Then we either reconcile or we snap away.”

            She just would not hear even as I warned, “ Please don’t call me for it affects me psychologically. Friends can become lovers but lovers cannot be friends. Either we meet in your next monthly visit to Bangalore or we put an end to these useless calls.” I was too weak of mind as I continued to take her calls. Once I even feigned a Vipassana retreat for a 10 days respite from these calls. On the eleventh day, she calls me repeatedly and my heart melts to take it in the third attempt. I am such a sentimental ass!!!

            With pUsHpA I read all the signs of a SNAP right but I did not have the emotional strength to put them in practice. She was after all my first and only woman whom I hugged and kissed. We were not suited for each other. I am much too honest and brainy; she was more a consumer who buys expensive clothes, change her car every second year, overseas vacation and a pseudo feminist. Very money minded as you could imagine a Sindhi while for me MONEY holds no special meaning as long it meets my living expenses. But she was deadly attractive when she wanted to turn on the charms with her humour and wit. Even in 2008 when she downgraded my stock from LOVER to a FRIEND on her own volition, I was not exactly enamoured. If I was, I would have flown to Ahmedabad and brought this matter either to a closure or reconciled our growing differences. Point is, DRILLING SENSE for more than 8-9 months and this woman just stood her ground. All the wisdom of a Solomon was wasted even as I saw my first romance go down the tubes ever so agonizingly slow. It was only when she went to Goa in February 2009 and start dating in March that I mentally wrote this relation off yet continue to engage over phones --- extreme STUPIDITY and DIFFIDENCE on hindsight.

            Even my mother is like that. Some times I used to grow large of heart to think even in my graduation days, “ This woman breastfed me in my infant days and so deserves respect and affection.” But such a noble sentiment did not last for a day. She would torture even when I was in the SHIT SHOWER SHAVE. That kind of verbal torture is something I am yet to heal completely. Again no amount of persuasion, kindness and gentleness worked.

            The point of the blog post is clear. YOU CANNOT HOPE TO REASON WITH TAMAS. You see your loved ones driving a car without a brake and you know in your mental vision that the racing car is tearing down straight to a crash. But you cannot do anything; you suffer in slow agony as they drag you down alongwith them. Then you understand how it should be with WISE people. When there is an emotional outburst or a direct charge against a wise man, what would be their options?  My surmise is EITHER dismiss the allegation as false or acknowledge it and learn from it if the cap fits. You either end up saying, “ You are unreasonable and I don’t share your feelings at all” and snap those ties or have the mental courage to say,” There is a lot of truth in what you say. I am sorry for your angst. Please don’t rile, I will do a course correction. “ A wise man is FLEXIBLE to change a thought pattern, acknowledge the errors and march forward while a TAMAS is a car stuck in sand and no amount of acceleration and power will make it move an inch. Some lesson I realized last week.  
Post Script: It is for this reason no SATTVIC person ever ventures out to advise unless the other person falls on the knees and begs for wisdom. Why and when did Krishna preach the Bhagavad Gita? to whom? Arjuna fell on his knees and crawled saying, "Krishna, my dear friend. I am at the end of my rope. I am going to pieces. Please advise me as to the right course." It is only after this surrender, Krishna dons the teacher's hat and not before. 

Bad Four

 Bad Four*

I was telling Mani Sir yesterday, “ In 2019 not one word on the BAD FOUR on my blogs.” He has a sardonic sense of humour saying, “That was your resolution in 2018 which you violated with immunity.”

            My mother seriously I have not a trace of hurt though she is the reason for my ship being grounded today.  V and L are siblings who I will FORGIVE but not FORGET for these acts of omission is an emotional scar as I realized this: We don’t worry about people who don’t exist but we take offense to people not taking up their RESPONSIBILITIES. Both V and L despite a million protests and even a stinking blog post don’t see sense at all. I felt that a murder is more FORGIVE-ABLE for it can be a rush of hot blood; but the sin of NOT CARING for three decades is prolong lapse of duties and height of grossness.  pUsHpa was a devil in angel clothes. We really hit if off and we could have had a life of a fantasy had she not been dismissive of love. To TRIVIALIZE love is a black crime worse than murder or stealing apples from a hungry child. She had a chance of a lifetime to get civilized in my company; I frankly lose nothing in the DUMP. It feels that she invited a penurious Mother Teresa for a dinner; then got into squabbles and kicked her out before the meals were served. Or give balloons and tell stories to kids and give them gifts which on opening is a snake about to unleash its pangs. It is a sick life to KICK OUT VIRTUOUS persons from your life given that the supply of gross ones is inexhaustible. As for me, pUsHpA fiasco was just one more in the series of MEGA HURTS inflicted by society. That I have grown stronger is a tribute to my mind and hard work.

            In 2019 I don’t wish to ruminate on the BAD FOUR. And if a pUsHpA or V or L were dangling from a rope and only me to cut the chord and bring them to safety, I will not do that kind act. These four (include my mother too) deserve the rarest of the rare as they say in legal parlance….death by hanging till the neck is broken. I may even volunteer to be the hangman. FORGIVENESS yes in terms of not generating a LIVE HATE ENERGY in the current account but they screwed up my past that my present and future turned black. But yes NOT ONE WORD ON THE BAD FOUR in 2019 however tempting. They are so evil and so opposed to the GOOD that my mind draws so many truths of life reflecting on their lapses. They serve a great lesson: YOU CANNOT DRILL SENSE INTO LOCKED MINDS. You only end up hurting yourself. But in 2019, not a word or Mani Sir I will pay you a 10 k fine and a lunch at Annalaxmi for any violations. 
Post Script: I wrote this post on THINKSATHYA as part of 2018 memories. Couple of good friends felt I was being too bitter and so I thought of shifting it here. 
* Bad four is CHEWING THE CUD. All the four characters don't spend one second thinking of me, though I spend quite a few. My interest is also primarily that of a WRITER for they are so BAD and EVIL and ruminating on them affords me a lot on perspective of right and wrong, besides I also gain a lot of metaphors and similes. The past is not so overbearing but since I resolve not to write ONE WORD in 2019, I might as well take a parting shot. 

2018 Images

Post: #117

2017 was a turnaround year, thanks to MINDFULNESS. I truly learnt to respect and love myself. I try to support myself. I am a lot more kind and compassionate to myself. 2018 should have built on those foundations but frankly this was a year when nothing moved forward.

            Even at the start of the year I realized that no one is going to pay money to learn SOFT SKILLS and so I stopped marketing and threw in the towel.  I made COLD CALLS to colleges but then it was hitting a brick-wall. STRIDES CONSULTING game me priceless SHADOW experience at St. Josephs and after that have kept mum – either they have more trainers or they are waiting for the next order.  Lots of insights here: HR managers paint all trainers with the same brush. My claim is I AM MILES SUPERIOR IN CONTENT N DELIVERY. Two, Corporates are cutting on training budgets and this is the most inopportune time for a rookie to ring the bell outside the front door.

            Shyam, a true well-wisher, says, “ Sathya, you have three skills and so don’t throw in your towel on any of these.” I am an EXPERT CONTENT WRITER, FLEDGLING SOFT SKILLS TRAINER and potential PRECOCIOUS THERAPIST. But seriously 2018 proved disastrous on the earning front.

            I watched 11 movies this year and I loved “The Post” and “Bohemian Rhapsody" the most. I also relished “Three billboards outside Ebbing, Missouri” for an outrageous climax. I also caught up with “My fair lady” and “To kill a mocking bird” at USIS library movie screenings. The best was "It's a wonderful life"a 1946 movie for an all time classic in which Jimmy Stewart and Donna Reed play the lead.  

            I did two 7 day Vipassana retreats this year; in April at B’lore and in September at HYD. Besides there were 3 dayers at Chennai, Thiruvannamalai, and Nagpur. My meditations have gotten deeper and lighter; this is not a ritualistic sitting on the mat but I am able watch my thoughts and energy flow in them. I am able to dilute strong energy patterns that don’t serve me. But this is still work in progress though emotionally I have gotten very strong. Any anger or fear or hatred don’t last more than 10 min in the mind and so lots of little things have added up here.

            Dubai was a dream that crash landed thanks to a fraud called Rajeev in Pondicherry. I am still hopeful that the cops will catch this rogue and compensate my 1 lac I lost from my naivety, pollyanna attitude  (meaning recklessly positive and trusting). I also finally QUIT applying for jobs. JUST DIAL interview in Noida opened my eyes. I had a fantastic interview and later I heard from an inside man that I was not considered due to my age. Ironic for a company to reject a candidate at 49 when their brand ambassador Big B is over 70+. This for me was the final straw at the jobs hustings. 

            The best gains of this year was IMT friends. Smita invited me for a Delhi trip, Neetu and Lalit connected with me there. My best IMT pal is Deepak Mehra who reads my FB posts and blogs. Then there is Lakhina, Anu, Darbari, Bansal, Anurag and counting. Lalit wants me to try a LIFE COACH even to extent of underwriting those expenses, I am having none of it. If I find it useful, I pay from my own pocket.

            TH Iyer mama is my best friend in life at the Beach. He calls me almost every second day. Then there is Dhamma Mani who I met at Chennai Vipassana centre, he is a man with a hearty laugh and tells stories with a flourish. I also like my budding friendship with Pandian who is the new owner of my apartment. He packs in a lot of grace and cheer. Meeting and interacting with Babu of LIC was some inspiration. I have not met a more principled man who stands out like a lotus in the muddy waters of corruption. My go to friend on telephone is Vivek Banerjee, a calm and sober personality. I have my monthly drinking bouts with Ranga, Manisha is still a regular caller. I can't thank my cook Thangam mami enough. She brings in wisdom and friendliness apart from home made tambrahm food. So on friends, my circle is expanding without me actually reaching out. I credit this to my new state of confidence and latent peace of mind; gains from MINDFULNESS.

            This year I gave two FOSWL talks – one on MINDFULNESS and another on VIPASSANA thanks to Iyer mama. Another gains of this year was SPARRC that has gotten daily workouts, I am like a sloth bear and now I have to exercise and I feel nice about it. Thanks to Venkatesh and Oviya there.

            I took two vacations. Guruvayur to overlap Diwali so that I don’t drown in my misery of sorrow in the midst of out of the skin gaiety. I loved the Kerala trip in November. In December I spent three days in Madurai and this was even better. I love to travel in budget. I saw three iconic temples in Madurai, a day’s outing to Courtrallam falls is something I fell in love straightaway. I plan to visit Courtrallam more often; this is some reckless adventure standing underneath the torrent of water flow that hammers your head in its ferocity. Rameswaram was a short three hours visit and I got the gist of that place. What I like about my trips is I take the passenger trains and local buses and avoid private transport as much as possible. I get to see the local populace and it furnishes so many learnings for my observant mind.

            I rate 2017 as a MIRACLE year and 2018 should have built on it but sadly that was not to be. But at least I got my SPARRC exercises and guitar going (I joined DOLCE music school for two class days in a week). I am a TRIER and a valiant soldier of life. I look at this year with a sense of satisfaction that I did my best. Maybe the seeds sowed this year may burgeon in 2019. As long as there is life, there is hope. Still then shut your gob and keep trying.