Jubilant June

I have been looking for a purpose in life and finally I do have one. June was kind and considerate on me. I fetched a lot of compliments on my writing which is not unusual but this time I sunk them in for a lingering cherish; Core strategy at Mumbai opened my eyes to trading as a career, mother’s hospitalization for thrombosis, SPARRC care and much more. So much of action and I will be guilty to miss out on. As ever, we start with the best ones:

a)     Compliments: When I started blogging on Rediffiland in 2006 the comments of fellow bloggers would give a thrill for a high. Then I shifted my blogging platform to blogger and those hardly fetch any comment but I would get responses from Facebook and Twitter for my blog links. The “Online trading @ Mumbai” post had my Mumbai classmates giving me thumbs up. I particularly cherished the comment from Kapil Mokashi my instructor, “This is brilliant writing and I am forwarding it to the OTA India head.” Then Suresh said, “I loved it so much that I forwarded it to my dad.” Yohannan of Oval crew at Vishranti said, “Man, you write beautifully. It’s as self-evident and obvious as a sunrise.”  RV Rajan said at the Eliot’s, “You really are a powerful writer. If you desist from writing about your siblings, you will go very far.” Even TH Iyer said, “Your writing has gone up a notch.” As for me, I do feel a certain mastery and perhaps in the best writing spell ever.

b)     Equity trading: One week in Mumbai and this is slowly getting to be addictive for a hobby. I genuinely love watching how the red and green candles form in lower time frames, I love to watch the trends as they stack up in the flow. It’s a Science here for a game of probabilities. I love the XTL sessions where the instructors teach all that they know without holding back (how will I possibly know?  I feel in my gut that these instructors improvise so much, put their own minds to the charts and come up with out of the world study material for students).  I am falling in love with this aspect so much that I spend a couple of hours a day on listening to these live or recorded webinars; this is my latest bug for a hobby. As I was telling Lakhina, “If and when my one crore becomes two crores then I can afford any holiday vacations in the world.” This is as good a motivation as any. We have a robust XLT Chennai group on Whatsapp and I am inviting a friend to listen to these teachings for he is a “stock” enthusiasts as well. Learning and sharing makes for better learning than just learning and hoarding. I like this new side of me for a new interest consuming the old me.
c) SPARRC care:  I came back from Mumbai with swollen and stiff knees and I lost faith in SPARRC, "If after 9 months this is the progress then I am doomed." I spoke my mind to them, "Please tell me whether I will ever progress to walking without pain and a limp." This was a moment of truth for them and they reacted beautifully. They said, "We'll put you in therapy." Sukanya is a master therapist and she worked on my muscles for a week kneading it like wheat for chappatis taking out all the pain trigger points. The doctor Arvind said, "Please try a new set of exercises. The quality of your posture is important than how long you exercise it imperfectly." Sukanya added, "Sir, it is all in the mind. Get your back straight, bend your knees and land on your feet.  Get a good gait and then you'll progress rapidly." I am so grateful to them for their professional care that I feel my knees are on the mend. This is a good team, they vibe so well. 

d)      Mother’s hospitalization: My brother-in-law called me out of the blue saying, “Your mother has a blood clot and she is hospitalized.” I lost no time reaching SP Hospital in the evening and that place vibrates well. Venous thrombosis is not a life threatening ailment except it causes a nuisance with swelling and itching. The doctor at the helm is the son of legendary Balamuralikrishna, Padma Vibushan and one of the best exponents of Carnatic music. I met my sisters but we were not gushing in affection, we very much stuck to our roles. It was like Theresa May shaking hands with Vladimir Putin at G-20 meeting after the Salisbury poison attack. I was the cashier for six days of hospitalization but I appreciated that my eldest sister spent all the time in a spacious room at the hospital – sleeping on the attender’s bed would not have been cozy rather that plank would make for tempting backaches. My mother is six months short of 80 and looking at a toothless face (though she radiates good health) one feels that “life is one long journey of regret and missed opportunities. Death is so final that even at a far distance it’s scary for it’s a final closure with no rewind button.”

Chennai had rains after nearly 200 days of sun which is a record in a decade, we get rains within six months bracket for a norm. The rains brought greenery and cheer to the mind almost on appearance, just to listen to the howling storm winds when the window panes bang against the wall or wooden frame for a clattering sound, smell of earth, the trees swaying in delight as the showers descend down is sure a mood-uplifter. I am sure every Chennaiite must have danced inwardly that day, 20^th June, when the rain gods smiled on us.  As for me, life is good as my writing shows. I seem to be in a phase of personal growth, definitely of growing maturity for I am more accepting and take my time in getting distraught over other people’s actions. There is a sense of forgiveness and gratitude, or having lived and slowing passing away into the ages. Yesterday I went to a PUMA showroom for tracks and a nice pair of sports shoes; these little things emphasize the living quotient in us.  Living just one day at a time, I frankly don't build castles of glory or doom six months down the line for my life afforded no such cruise, it flows in any direction and I am mentally ready to accept what course is served for the day. 

Random thoughts

#132

There is no greater joy to a writer than a title like this. It’s a free license to ramble and that is what I intend to do.

            First I have been busy for a month now – one week in Delhi in May and another in Mumbai and for a “frog well” like me this is breakneck speed. I am cursed with terrible knees and so these twin trips were endurance and courage. That I got full value for fun in vacations at Delhi and learning in Mumbai is my genetic trait of hard work floating to the surface.  If there is one realization I hope never to forget is I AM NO WEAKLING which any ‘frog” is prone to think. I am as good as anyone when it comes to resourcefulness (a word I have never used on myself) and being smart (again a word far removed from me). Huge gains

            I also realized another that at my CORE I am a decent person storing a lot of value for KINDNESS and stray incidents of even compassion to others. There is not a grain in me to make use of others, “opportunism” is a word that will never play out in my life. I am the GIVING kind even if I were to wear the fool’ s cap hundred times out of hundred. These twin trips also showed my gritty side reinforcing my self-image of Sisyphus condemned to carry a boulder on his shoulder for an up climb in a mountain.

            I credit all these virtues to MINDFULNESS – moment to moment awareness of the changing reality within me and outside. I am all to respectful that nothing is permanent and the change is only reality for both our bodies and minds and our interactions. So I desist from forming strong views on anything; I am forgiving on gross people even as I have learnt to forgive myself for my gaffes. But I am just watchful of this: I don’t want to hurt a soul for it is drilled into me that “a person who inflicts suffering on others will never find peace himself.” Just this wisdom alone reins in my mouth and also my thoughts to whatever limited extent, you will catch me dead trying to hurt anyone deliberately. Save these three.

            On my siblings my mind has reached a dead-end as it did in October of 2009. When pUsHpA announced her engagement to another man, my entire mind revolted as though it had vomited.  I intuitively felt that “I don’t wish to ever see this person again or hear another word from her.” I did not put this into words but feelings are stronger than sentences on a blog post. But with my sisters the words came first and the feeling later. I am through with them. Even the fool in me realizes that the birds have long flown; there is no pleasure in dishing out insults and embarrassment for they are like homing pigeons.

            I had this nice metaphor on pUsHpA even as I analyzed her character. I think she took a lot of time healing the scars when her first romance with Sanjay Goud went phut where she even cut her wrists (such theatrics deserve a Bollywood movie and Inshallah it will come), since then “she learnt to fall in love with ease and get out of a relation even easier.” It’s as though the entry and exit barrier for romance had smudged to a thin line except in my case I closed the shutters while the Sindhi got into a actress’s mindset. A young girl's innocence is  abused and as it's usually the case she becomes daringly shameless - the trip from innocence to daredevilry is wafer thin that the victim turns predator.  In this ramble I quite forgot the metaphor which I will serve now. It is a new stream of thought and no reader should cringe if I begin in a new para!!!!

            When I was dumped in 2009 the first reaction was shock and disbelief; that someone would go on a pre-honeymoon trip with a man and then foreclose that account without as much as an explanation. My mind shouted WHORE,  no one has the right to play with someone’s emotions. It was only when MINDFULNESS entered the mind in 2017 that I realized how fortunate I was.  I realized in next to no time that intrinsically, basically, essentially, fundamentally this woman was a disaster for me, not for all the Fab India dresses, French perfumes, and ruddy complexion and her perfect nose and sense of humour can ever compensate for lack of values. Like Dolly Parton says in a movie: A bird may fall in love with a fish but they can’t make a home. Over the years with my mindfulness practice getting stronger, I realized that “unwittingly she did me a huge favour leaving my ship." I am much like an invaluable two hundred year old antique stamp she discarded as junk. As for the stamp, it will find a worthy buyer who will know its value. There is a lesson here: Destiny uses the grossest minds to teach its subtlest ones. 

            Life, what do we know of life except pick up scraps of wisdom along the way. It just calls for honesty and effort. It does not promise you any reward but it does give an window of opportunity to test out your ideas.  Many feel my blogs are long but my only defense is that I am not serving a story but I am dishing out an experience which may just be the one you need for a cross-reference as you grapple through your life. That is why good writers are read for in their personal experience they offer a mirror to others. As for me, I used to feel like a broken wing and a flotsam discarded by nature. But in the middle of 2019 I verily feel that I have lived so deep in the ocean of fear, pain and suffering that only now I am beginning to experience some measure of happiness and peace. Truly no one enters heaven without going through the fires of hell.

            Let’s end this post on this nice note. Yesterday I got two of my intraday trades right: SBIN and GAIL. The price came into my marked supply zone, turned within my zone before the stop loss before racing to hit my target line. Forget all this obtuse philosophy; this price movement is real and it does feel an orgasmic delight.

Friends matter

The last one month has been good on the friends’ front for they gave me wonderful memories to store. By blogging I am storing these fragrances for a later day reading and reliving these moments.

Ganesh Shenoy: I was gripped in a wave of frustration by the middle of May. After Vipassana B’lore, I resumed my smoking with zest and that’s a recipe for a disaster and lay the mind soaked in gloom. I was weary and listless that nicotine brings in its wake. I called Ganesh Shenoy out of the blue for just this reason: he has a sunny disposition, he has a high energy tone of voice that makes for an instant cheer. He did not disappoint as he advised, “Sathya, don’t ever go to an old age home. I know managing the kitchen for over 13 years is bad enough. Can I suggest something? You should join a social club or something where they play cards or pool or any place that brings lonely chaps together.” I thought it was a fabulous suggestion. Ten minutes of Shenoy and I was back to my shouting best.

Manikandan: Mani is special. I had not seen my mother in six months and this was giving a guilt feel to the mind. My fights with both my siblings were like the World war kinds; I wrote to the entire circle of relations about what I felt. Like no involvement for thirty years and the very definition of SELFISHNESS and SELF-CENTREDNESS to their sons and even daughter-in-laws apart from influential relations whom they value so much. This provocation warrants stabbing a knife on my chest; this is my Caesar’s act of burning the boats.

            My mind felt and cried, “As a son, I am pathetic. The old woman could die any moment and that will add to guilt trip. I must visit her soon.” Another part of the mind said, “Not in the presence of the elder devil of a sister” I want to go through life without seeing and hearing from them; I have had enough.  Mani solved this issue for me today, “Sathya, I will accompany you to ensure that you don’t open your mouth even if they should drag you to the streets with abuses.”
            Today I met my mother; just had a glimpse of the elder devil and all was well. I spoke a few paragraphs of concern to my mother and came away. I wouldn’t have done this of my own steam, Mani plodded me along. This was a huge huge favour.  

Ashish Bansal: When the luncheon party got over on 18/5, Ashish offered to drive me to Huda City Centre metro station. On the way I said, “My moodswings abated after my heart surgery. I was so starved of basic physical contact that when I found professional nursing, say they used to take my blood pressure or change the mop on the forehead to arrest a rising fever I got better with my moods. That sort of stabilized.” He immediately said, “It is affecting me,” as he controlled his own emotion. I have said this tale to quite a few but none fetched such a connection. That was the best moment of the DLF luncheon by a mile.

Vivek Banerjee; He hosted a bout of whisky at Saharanpur Club on 23/5 after I had a wonderful holiday moments in Haridwar, Rishikesh and Mussoorie. We were to celebrate Modi’s big win but I was attacked by a wave of self-pity. I told Vivek, “At times I feel that this is the last decade of my life, left to myself I would do myself this very year. My life never enjoyed a basic rub of the green. My siblings could have shown some connection,  woman in 2007 was a disaster and now my knees are all but worn out. I don’t see one positive reason to live. Anything that could go wrong, they have spectacularly gone wrong  in my case.”

            Vivek has this prescription for this kind of outburst, “Sathya, you must go to Thailand and screw day and night.”
            I slept in his guest room and hit upon this great insight, “I can only love myself if I love the activities of the day. That I must like or begin to see value in the daily SPARRC rehabs, swimming at Raj Sundar, and trading activities, guitar and writing these rambles.”  Once I grasped this thought I instantly felt a bit of healing. It may be true that one day I will blow my brains but for the moment let me enjoy these moments.

Ranga: On Wednesday, 29/5, we went to Maris. Of all my friends, Ranga is the most detached. I am sure he won’t call me in decades unless I call him which sort of devalues our entire relation. He is like Sherlock Holmes to my Watson and trust me, I hate to be fawning and obsequious.  That day he was in roaring form and we had a conversation that if recorded could have illuminated the world.

            I asked him, “How do you rate Gandhi as opposed to a Martin Luther King, Nelson Mandela and Aung San Suu kyi?”  He said, “I will not. Sathya, if you observe closely we are not reacting to a personality but we will be debating about our sources of information. Only Gandhi’s parents can have view of him and to everyone else he is just a story we have read. So any argument is “your story of Gandhi” versus “my story of Gandhi” and yours and mine depend on our sources of information.

            Then I told him about the power of vibes and how some people have charisma. Ranga said, “Nature does not give anyone charisma for it needs two people to create it. It needs an object and then it needs a foolish Sathya.” I told him about a physio therapist at SPARRC who was charismatic and I realized the wisdom of Ranga’s words: Nature does not confer charisma on anyone, it is always the person perceiving who does it.” With Ranga, you see so many subtleties.

            I was telling him, “Be it Bill Gates or Steve Jobs or Narayanmoorthy; nature produces its winners”. He said, “Wrong again. Nature may have a say on survival issues but the success of these blokes is determined by human nature - which is greed, avarice, talent, gumption for hard work, opportunity and how anyone defines success and the price they are willing to pay - and not Mother Nature.” Right again.

            On opinions Ranga said, “Every motherfucker is entitled to an opinion but if you are cultured you will examine them regularly saying it is merely your point of view. If you are cultured, you will listen to other’s who has invested more in their opinions though you don’t have to swallow anything lock, stock, and barrel. We form opinions to make sense of the reality that is unfolding, if you are aware that it is limiting point of view then you are getting somewhere.”

            Then he said, “You must know to differentiate between teachers and experts. Issac Asimov (he rattled many names) are born to teach but they are not the last word of the subject.  Of course as a teacher they are brilliant but Sathya learn to differentiate between teachers and experts.”

            I came home feeling this regret, if only I had recorded this chat it would be a treasure for the entire world. Ranga is as dry as Sherlock Holmes but he is that level of a genius too. Even scraps of his brilliance like this post will do. Fortunately he does not read these spaces and I am saved.