Random thoughts

#132

There is no greater joy to a writer than a title like this. It’s a free license to ramble and that is what I intend to do.

            First I have been busy for a month now – one week in Delhi in May and another in Mumbai and for a “frog well” like me this is breakneck speed. I am cursed with terrible knees and so these twin trips were endurance and courage. That I got full value for fun in vacations at Delhi and learning in Mumbai is my genetic trait of hard work floating to the surface.  If there is one realization I hope never to forget is I AM NO WEAKLING which any ‘frog” is prone to think. I am as good as anyone when it comes to resourcefulness (a word I have never used on myself) and being smart (again a word far removed from me). Huge gains

            I also realized another that at my CORE I am a decent person storing a lot of value for KINDNESS and stray incidents of even compassion to others. There is not a grain in me to make use of others, “opportunism” is a word that will never play out in my life. I am the GIVING kind even if I were to wear the fool’ s cap hundred times out of hundred. These twin trips also showed my gritty side reinforcing my self-image of Sisyphus condemned to carry a boulder on his shoulder for an up climb in a mountain.

            I credit all these virtues to MINDFULNESS – moment to moment awareness of the changing reality within me and outside. I am all to respectful that nothing is permanent and the change is only reality for both our bodies and minds and our interactions. So I desist from forming strong views on anything; I am forgiving on gross people even as I have learnt to forgive myself for my gaffes. But I am just watchful of this: I don’t want to hurt a soul for it is drilled into me that “a person who inflicts suffering on others will never find peace himself.” Just this wisdom alone reins in my mouth and also my thoughts to whatever limited extent, you will catch me dead trying to hurt anyone deliberately. Save these three.

            On my siblings my mind has reached a dead-end as it did in October of 2009. When pUsHpA announced her engagement to another man, my entire mind revolted as though it had vomited.  I intuitively felt that “I don’t wish to ever see this person again or hear another word from her.” I did not put this into words but feelings are stronger than sentences on a blog post. But with my sisters the words came first and the feeling later. I am through with them. Even the fool in me realizes that the birds have long flown; there is no pleasure in dishing out insults and embarrassment for they are like homing pigeons.

            I had this nice metaphor on pUsHpA even as I analyzed her character. I think she took a lot of time healing the scars when her first romance with Sanjay Goud went phut where she even cut her wrists (such theatrics deserve a Bollywood movie and Inshallah it will come), since then “she learnt to fall in love with ease and get out of a relation even easier.” It’s as though the entry and exit barrier for romance had smudged to a thin line except in my case I closed the shutters while the Sindhi got into a actress’s mindset. A young girl's innocence is  abused and as it's usually the case she becomes daringly shameless - the trip from innocence to daredevilry is wafer thin that the victim turns predator.  In this ramble I quite forgot the metaphor which I will serve now. It is a new stream of thought and no reader should cringe if I begin in a new para!!!!

            When I was dumped in 2009 the first reaction was shock and disbelief; that someone would go on a pre-honeymoon trip with a man and then foreclose that account without as much as an explanation. My mind shouted WHORE,  no one has the right to play with someone’s emotions. It was only when MINDFULNESS entered the mind in 2017 that I realized how fortunate I was.  I realized in next to no time that intrinsically, basically, essentially, fundamentally this woman was a disaster for me, not for all the Fab India dresses, French perfumes, and ruddy complexion and her perfect nose and sense of humour can ever compensate for lack of values. Like Dolly Parton says in a movie: A bird may fall in love with a fish but they can’t make a home. Over the years with my mindfulness practice getting stronger, I realized that “unwittingly she did me a huge favour leaving my ship." I am much like an invaluable two hundred year old antique stamp she discarded as junk. As for the stamp, it will find a worthy buyer who will know its value. There is a lesson here: Destiny uses the grossest minds to teach its subtlest ones. 

            Life, what do we know of life except pick up scraps of wisdom along the way. It just calls for honesty and effort. It does not promise you any reward but it does give an window of opportunity to test out your ideas.  Many feel my blogs are long but my only defense is that I am not serving a story but I am dishing out an experience which may just be the one you need for a cross-reference as you grapple through your life. That is why good writers are read for in their personal experience they offer a mirror to others. As for me, I used to feel like a broken wing and a flotsam discarded by nature. But in the middle of 2019 I verily feel that I have lived so deep in the ocean of fear, pain and suffering that only now I am beginning to experience some measure of happiness and peace. Truly no one enters heaven without going through the fires of hell.

            Let’s end this post on this nice note. Yesterday I got two of my intraday trades right: SBIN and GAIL. The price came into my marked supply zone, turned within my zone before the stop loss before racing to hit my target line. Forget all this obtuse philosophy; this price movement is real and it does feel an orgasmic delight.