Failed Relations & Forgiveness

Besant nagar chapter of my life comes to an end. The parent family took possession of the apartment in 1989 under trying circumstances with my father on his last legs. His cancer had ravaged the body beyond redemption and he wanted to die in Besant nagar than in Hyderabad and so it was.

            I loved Besant nagar from day one despite the jolt of losing a father not even reaching 60. Then two miserable years at IMT and these were desperate “moodswing” years. Thankfully I had a heart surgery for a divine intervention and a miracle and life stabilized a wee bit from daily THEOSOPHICAL SOCIETY walks and weekend Swami Paramarthananda’s lectures in Vidyamandir in Gandhinagar.

            There are four people in my life I call BIG BAD FOUR. My MOTHER was hopelessly sick and she is the prime cause of my suffering. If I am bachelor and in perennial hunt for jobs, then all credit goes to her. Strangely I have never felt an atom of angst and hatred. She is simply a naughty kid who refused to grow up despite my pleadings a million times. LESSON from her life is that you don’t marry and procreate if you are mentally so tangent.

            Then the Gujarat Sindhi for sheer OPPORTUNISM. Even my heart is extremely vast and willing to forgive will hesitate. I thank my MINDFULNESS lessons for sizing this female and finally slot her as a JACKAL in my memory. We were never ON as a couple; her values were from nether regions of hell. LESSON that her life teaches is it never pays to be so self-centred beyond a point. I am convinced she will suffer but I am far too gracious not to make a song and dance of it.

            Then my two SIBLINGS who failed big time. A little affection and this property could have been saved. They never invited me for festivals and so I have not celebrated one in three decades. My knees need treatment and it would not cost more than a 20 k which I cannot spare in today’s earnings. A little support here and there, maybe I could have come through the fires of life better. They never got it in their heads that I need some LOOKING AFTER, that the family owed me some care in a terminal illness and run my cremation show.

            I used to HATE my sisters intensely since my MINDFULNESS initiation which at least showed me how deep these lapses are. But as I let go of Besant nagar, I realize that I have become a saint. I really have hated them so much that there is no more energy in the tank. The heart and minds have hardened, there is no wish for a rewind button and our relations ever correcting itself. I certainly don’t owe anything to this family except impending cremation duties to my MOTHER when she croaks. Otherwise the well-being or deaths in my sisters’ families is of no concern to me just as much as my illness, hospitalization and death are news that will not reach their doorsteps.

            One of the best things I am learning these days is to burn the book of negative stored up scars. I have no one to love me nor do I love anyone; so hating someone corrodes my mind from that base zero. MINDFULNESS taught me this lesson: ACCEPT REALITY however dark it is and then work around it for some solace. There is a deep clarity nay a DISCERNMENT of these BIG BAD FOUR. I feel sad that as human beings they were ignorant of BASIC HUMAN VALUES and in their failure these LESSONS impinge on my mind deeply which is JUST CARING for another being. CARING such a beautiful yet most don't get it. At a cosmic level there is no male body or female body except that all BODIES are matter; similarly there is no MIND of a BIG BAD FOUR or saints. It is just MIND which is an arena for THOUGHTS that is a deliberate action and its resultant FEELINGS and EMOTIONS. My forgiveness is complete as I learn these lessons when others violate them with impunity and a devilish glee.

            Of course I am sad that Besant Nagar goes under the hammer. I can still salvage it but there is a weight of this sentimentality attached that this apartment gave me no happy memories. This is verily a paradise on earth but my life got stuck like those car wheels on desert sand and no traction on the ground. Besides money in SAVINGS grow faster than a PROPERTY VALUE and I should survive from here as I always have. Besant nagar brings a curtain to the BIG BAD FOUR as I find many things in my mind to love and live for: meditations, guitar, and quality friends.  Maybe it is time God wrote a better script for me, better still let me get my knees treated and go on a America trip that I have always lusted. Let me live and let me learn and let me forgive and let positive people come into my life is a prayer as this phase comes to a grinding halt in agonizing slowness.