October Octopus

This is one of the blog posts I start on a blank mind. Usually I am driven to write for outlets of the mind to find a landing place but today I find the mind numb and dumb. But I plod to capture this state of mind too.

            Usually the winter months find me grumpy with life as they accentuate my loneliness. This is the best part of the year with the city taking a break from surfeit of the sun and these four months the scales are perfect; the migratory birds find the city a haven from the harsh winters in Europe.  The Nov-Dec music season washes the city with mellifluous music as the North East monsoons empties out a few storms and depression usually landing on Machilipatnam coast for some oddity.

            As I near my 50, I realize the whole weight of loneliness. Even if I had a loving brother or sister or even a nephew or a niece, this weight of my shoulders would have mitigated a lot. But then I am orphan and going into a fifties feels as though reaching a dead-end street. I am a recluse like no other; I don’t involve or even go near crowds as in family weddings or cremations. Those occasions and festivities psyche me out, I come home and mentally conked out for a couple of days before I get my breath back. It’s a poor life that has no one to care and embrace for. But god is great. If there is one person I am totally indebted to in the last three years it is TH Iyer mama. He is 86 and we either meet each day at the Beach or he calls me for the news of the day. He is extremely well placed in life; his children are all over the globe and on matters of money and people, he is extremely well-off in contrast to my penury. Today I asked him the reason for his affections and he says, “At times I am guided by Lord Krishna who goads me into keeping an eye on you.” He feels my plight (not many do, infact I can’t think of anyone who puts himself or herself under my skin) and affirms for a hearty encouragement, “Sathya, you are going through a passing phase. You have struggled for survival so hard that one day you will blaze the skies with your intellect. Fame and money are just round the corner. You have everything now, it’s just a matter of someone discovering your skills.”

            That someone discovering me or giving me a PLATFORM is what I have been hunting for decades. I am mighty glad of my stint on earth. Born of lousy parents whose only gift to me was scars and messed up psyche; I also realized even in my teens that I am not a regular 9 to 5 Joe. At times I get caught in the peak hour traffic and that affects me to the roots. I can’t for the life of me understand that is the daily diet of a common man regular on the streets. The traffic snarls are a mile away; trudging 3 kms can at times take an hour. Our generations don’t give credit to ourselves for we are saints on the wheels. Life is worse than a dog’s yet people keep at it for decades to feed a family and have a pretense of a lifestyle. Not for me. I am much too brainy for this rat existence; urban life is worse than a gutter rat race. When my father died, I resolved that I will die with head held high and no corporate slavery. I will discover my god given gifts and I have: over 30 short stories, over 1000 blog posts and these will certainly outlive me. Then there is my love for music which is more than my penchant for words. By God, I have lived and I am lived much on my own terms. I never kissed anyone’s ass and I have come this far for which I am mighty grateful and glad.

            I also found my mind FORGIVING my siblings. They did their best, they never wanted to associate even a shred with this family and who’s me to find fault. They see this family worse than a rotten apple and so give it a wide berth. I am now more philosophical. Let them go their own way, let me not ridicule and find fault. There is no homecoming here; our relations are buried in the sands of time. I have hardened my heart and attitude and there is no rewind button in my mind.

            I heard Radha sold her M91/4 for 1.25 crores and mine should fetch that price. In today’s mood I will take the money and shift out of Besant nagar for good. Three decades of living here and I have experienced it to the full. Time to put my tent in another locality and hopefully for a better menu; frankly I don’t see myself touching a 70 or 80.  At my today’s state of mind, I will do myself in before my 60^th birthday. A human needs some calories of affection and without it life is a marathon no one can run forever. God and providence and destiny be damned, I will write my own sentence and time my own death. I have earned that right; orphans always have that say.

            A soft skills company has signed me on and so finally I might see a 40 or 50 k earnings in a month. I am looking forward to this; maybe this will be one adhesive force for me to cling on to. I will strive to be a good trainer and I should find myself in this domain.

            It’s cold outside, raining throughout the days and the sun hiding beneath the clouds for a muggy light. That more or less describes my life. I am talented and almost genius on any calibration but life has not given me its dues but then it never owes anyone any favour. My life has not even reached a level shore and I guess it never will but mine is a tale of raw courage and honesty. I have soldiered for decades and warriors know when to write the climax for their stories. But if there is a tailwind, I will be grateful. And if I ever were to find love, I will be saved. But there is no faith or hope for Gods forsook me even at birth. I am much like Gandhari cursing Krishna, “ I spent my whole life worshiping you yet you did not spare even one of my hundred sons. For that cruelty, I curse you to infamy and a cruel death.” Sathya in 2018 is not much dissimilar to this steely lady. We march on; one more year without festivals and this is the 29^th year. Even bulls would have croaked down but not me. I am still sturdy.