Jaded January

#121 Post in Dauntless

A writer cannot resist same letter nouns or verbs or adjectives on titles; the dictionary informs me that one of the meanings of jades is “worn out”. January was that kind of month.

            Transporting the sofa set from one building to the other was some adventure. I have friends who go trekking to different unexplored peaks, my adventure quotient is reduced to sofa set shifting. But the funny thing is the mind goes through similar exhilaration and despairs. “Shifting headaches” was one blog post I earned for my labours.

            Yesterday I was speaking to Vikas my batchmate and we are connecting after 26 years and I said, “I am a writer perhaps a self-claimed best creative writer in India. Don’t get impressed for it nets me no earnings at all. I have a choice to think of myself as a best writer if only to delude myself and shored up self-esteems.” I loved this thought: Either I can look at myself as a colossal failure at three months short of 50 or I can look at myself as a hero. I choose the latter perspective for it serves me better but the point is this: We can change our self-image as many times as we want to suit our current advantage.  It’s no good telling myself that I am a wimp though it might ring true to a dictionary definition rather I say “What a great trier I am. What a great soldier of life?”

            This month was brutal lessons in TRADING. I made 30 k in Infosys, 20 k in Sun Pharma before losing over 1.3 lacs on Zee Entertainment. Entirely my stupidity as avarice took over reason. I should have sold Zee at a stop loss at 420 rather I saw it sink to 300 and I lost my shirt in a hour’s time. But these are early days and this taught me a lot of lessons and the first and foremost is PROTECT YOUR CAPITAL. The second is “Your profit earnings come in increments while one big wave can drown you.” The stock market plays fair and it brings out your personality. Now I go slow on trading for February.

            I had a viral fever last week and that got me dispirited and glum. Being alone on such days feels the full weight of abandonment, the fever recedes but the mind takes longer to come back after reaching this bottom thought.

            I listen to Sadhguru a lot these days. He is truly one giant of an intellect with opinion in every field. He brings deeper and newer perspectives.  Very few people make me think and revisit my premises, Sadhguru does it all the time.

            I am loving the new house. Being on the second floor, this is more a vantage point to watch traffic and life below on to a busy street. It’s breezier too.  There are no crow nuisances and at this height, I am nearer the tree tops. Also there is much less of vehicular pollution and so I can sweep and mop the floors once a fortnight as opposed to once a week.

            It does hurt that my life has now been reduced to trading in stock market for my earnings and engagements in the day. I would prefer a soft skills training or even mental health counseling. But then nature does not flow the waters of my life to my shore rather it floats and kicks me to a flotsam. I like this humble side of me; it’s taken decades to reach this wisdom of NO RESISTANCE to the PRESENT MOMENT. I will accept whatever comes to my hand and then try to work things around.

            I saw the movie ACCIDENTAL PRIME MINISTER and rather liked it. Not Hollywood class but it had enough to show what happens in the corridors of power. It also reinforced my natural distaste of Congress and Sonia Gandhi; they mean only evil to this nation.

            This month also served me this jaded experience. YOU CANNOT FORCE WISDOM ON ANYONE EVEN AT THE POINT OF A GUN.  I tried my best to drive sense in my siblings through persuasion, reason, threats, shaming, education, ridicule and nothing worked and only stoked antagonism and animosity. This is a great beautiful lesson: LEARNING IS ALWAYS A SOLITARY ACTIVITY. Only you can learn and only you choose from whom and what experiences in life to learn. At times it gets so frustrating that you feel like drilling a hole in someone’s scalp hoping and praying they get a whiff of wisdom but you only end up hurting yourself more.

            Another is this comforting thought: Lots of IMT batch mates read these musings. I was so happy connecting to Ashutosh Mishra yesterday and he has an unquenchable thirst for Ganga River and trekking unexplored mountains. It’ rare to meet people who have passionate hobbies and it’s a sort of a kindred feeling. His achievements are much greater; he conquers mountain peaks untrammeled by human beings in the last 200 -300 years. My only feat in comparison is moving a soft set from one building to another with the same level of heightened tensions and emotions. Nature certainly chooses its winners alright.