Daily Mindfulness practice

#174

There are very few lives on earth that’s more recluse, the only visitor is a COOK for 30 min, rest of 23.5 hours I am on my own. Not for weeks and months but years.  I must be getting something right.

            Staying alone is an attitude of non-dependence on others, here are a few MINDFULNESS practices that I recommend for myself.

a)     Acceptance: When I wake to a new day, I mostly feel empty and hollow. The first thing for an activity is “watch my breath for 10 min”. I tell myself, “learn from the wisdom of the next breath. It is new and life-giving. I trust it to come, today is going to be a great day.” Then I chant 10 Gayatris before brushing the teeth. ACCEPTANCE is a difficult quality to practice, it needs brutal honesty. I suffer no emotional overload that my parents were the worst in civilization. There is no rancor here; the forgiveness is complete. When it comes to my siblings, my view these days is “maybe it’s a karmic debt I am serving from the past.” I tell myself, “There is no romance to my life, I need to be physically healthy and as long as I have monies in the savings account, I will be fine. There are things I wish were different – the “loan against property” has been going on for months. I frankly see these 5 months of inactivity as a blessing – haven’t I not gained in courage from reading Alexander, haven’t my writing improved a wee bit from words study, and boy am I am not glad of the Gita talks on Anchor. (Of course, I know my life is as dry as a summer leaf but I have come a long way. I remember my first clinical depression in IMT in 1990 in the winter months – those days I would run a lot for a therapy. Now 30 years later, I am much wiser and emotionally stable. There is a lot of self-congratulatory endorphins here).

b)     Trust: This is a beautiful therapy each time the mind slips in self-pity. I tell myself: I trust my body for its intelligence, my kidney and heart have been ticking without moans, my eyes and ears have not let me down. I trust the next breath to come. If the body and mind is so intelligent, why then should I doubt my ability to manage the affairs of the day. 

c)      Non-judgement: I am often a victim of attributing evil motives to my siblings but then they have a point of view that’s as valid as the noon sun. This family did not give them much by way of bonding and pray why should they “debt service duty” to a brother? They found happiness outside, their present is more rewarding, and the past better cast away. Why raise this issue at all in the mind?

d)     Gratitude and Generosity: Before wrapping myself in the blankets, I throw my mind to the day – any phone calls? Any chance conversations in the shops or neighbours? Any reading or insights gained? I say a “thanks”. I love my beautiful apartment that comes with a beach for a terrace, I reserve a “thanks to my dad for it is his earnings that still sees me through with a sea-side apartment.” I also like to save a few “love” vibrations; I store positive affirmations when I am sitting on the computer table or resting my feet on the sofa or while the milk is getting warmed in the kitchen or when in the toilets. There are a million things to be grateful for: while eating, listening to music, playing the guitar, sitting down for meditations, daily 45 min on the terrace for a seaside breeze or even reading my own blog posts. 

There are moments in the day when I feel a passing cloud of stress. It's okay, life is never a straight road to heaven for it goes through serpentine routes. Mindfulness has given my mind this layer of emotional security: whatever be the confusion and chaos outside, my job is to be curious and compassionate to the flow of life on which I have little control. My test is keeping my composure, mine is the patience of a farmer awaiting monsoons. One of the best realizations came by recently: we fantasize life as some kind of an orgy where we are drinking and singing and enjoy corny jokes for a banter in a football stadium. Life is tough for everyone; it is this fantasy that makes us miserable to the mundane-ness of life. Keeping your sanity is a full time job for people whose childhood was a charred mind of insults and curses. 
              One of the best attitudes of life is “let the worst impinge on me, I have the resources within myself to see it through.” This trusting oneself is a daily activity, the best medicine for self-doubt and self-pity. Save a bit of love and affection for yourself. There is no rhythm or reason for our existence, much less to the confusions and worries of the mind; but we are here to learn peace and harmony. It is an adventure going nowhere. There is wisdom and ignorance on the outside, draw as much water from these wells. Keep plodding. Moment to moment, thought by thought and in each action feel this throes of life in your veins. Life is forgiving, you may fall by the wayside as many times in the day but you have the option to pick yourself up. That's the beauty of life. 

https://anchor.fm/thinksathya

#173

This is my best in a long while. Recording 15-20 min on each chapter of the Bhagavad-Gita (https://anchor.fm/thinksathya) I realized many things here:

a)     When I am passionate on a subject, I spare no effort. I was listening to Swami Paramarthananda’s weekend lectures when I was 29 to 34. There were times when I would attend 3-4 classes a week. Slowly my rough notes turned into transcriptions and now I have over 75 talks on SPIRITUALSATHYA. It would take me 3 hours of effort to transcribe a 60 min talk but it is something I am mighty proud to leave behind for the present and the next generation. My role here is that of a student, not one word is mine. Mine is limited to transcriptions and posting on a site for any reader to access the “dazzling brilliance of a great teacher.” When I first heard Swamiji in 1998, I thought: he is the best in the world, my search for a teacher ends here. Later on, I also transcribed MINDFULNESS masters. So if I am ever in need of motivation or a revision, I just have to visit my own writings.

b)     Doing these GITA talks I realized one thing – we get inspired from a talk, we make notes but the knowledge does not stay in the mind despite a transcription where you are mentally involved as to hear each line twice before keying in. Knowledge is like a flow of water; we are attracted by its life-sustaining role but we don’t know how store. For me recording these talks are like “knowledge stored in pots”. They never get stale, never lose their freshness, they retain the ability to inspire. Doing this recording my knowledge kept getting reinforced. I thought: even my sisters have a place in God’s scheme of things. It is my job to learn from their negligence; wise are those who learn from fools. There is a place for both goodness and evil to co-exist. They serve to reinforce my wisdom deeper. Any antagonism or bad blood here, I dig my own bondage.  

c)      There are so many learnings this Gita recordings afforded me – reduce world dependence, increase god dependence before you gain the knowledge that essential quality of the Lord and you yourself is the same. I learnt to appreciate the bounties of nature, the sun rise, the sea breeze, the trees, the birds around my residence. The universe is so vast yet my mind is hijacked by emotional starvation – my mind hankers for human bonding or the loan process to be expedited or feeling stiff over my unwieldly knees.  Our everyday living is myopic, it draws us away from the wonders and vastness of life. There is an inexhaustible precision in the way the universe is run. It is the same wise principle that runs our petty lives. The chaos and confusion of the mind has a cosmic purpose  – it affords all of us to toughen and purify our minds. There is a bigger picture beyond the narrow and immediate confines of my mind’s hunger list of wants. Life demands inordinate patience and self-efforts, you don't have the luxury of throwing in the towel. 

              I learnt one thing – I am the laziest soul on earth. But when I dig a well, I dig deep. These recordings and notes of Swamiji’s teachings and Mindfulness convinced me - a perennial self-doubter - I am a beaver when it comes to toil. I have the patience of an elephant carrying logs for a transport company or an ant that carries a ball of manure on a grass field. Now it’s time to grow in silence and tranquility. I have been blessed with the best teacher in Vedanta and the best Vipassana guru in the universe. Though my life looks vacuous on the surface, I am doubly blessed. Fools are those who make stories of their lives, wise are the ones who grow in mental strength and peace. In millimetres, in centimetres and inches, for wisdom is gathering one drop of water in the vessel at a time. 

Lockdown 3.0 blues

#172

I am bored as hell. Searching for a synonym, I greedily resonated to ENNUI that the dictionary threw up on a search: a feeling of listlessness and dissatisfaction arising from a lack of occupation or excitement.

            I find it difficult to stay motivated and hopeful in these lockdown days. The biggest grouse of my life now is “When is the loan coming?” Though I have three credible sources, every blessed thing is halted in this lockdown. So hold your horses, don’t allow the mind to run into a frenzy are my affirmations for the days.

            In April I combed my word-list collection for a shortlist of 500 words that I should use more often. Not only I jotted it down for a two weeks’ study, I made a recording of them. Navigating through words and idioms give me a high, these recording fill vacuous afternoons.  

            Then in May, I found my own blog posts of Bhagawad Gita on SPIRITUALSATHYA inspiring. Swami Paramarthananda’s talks are a marvel, this time I made a short 15 min recordings of each chapter on Anchor (Gita talks). This is another two weeks of good usage of time. In April I was logging in two hours of Vipassana sittings in a day, by May my patience waned. Now I do an hour of Vipassana and try to get in 20 min of SPARRC regime for my knees. I tried to read a PG Wodehouse in ages, I soon found my mind popcorn fried – low on energy and high on pessimism that after a couple of pages I cast it aside.

            My hero for the two months lockdown is TH Iyer mama – he is 88 years old and he calls me twice a day. We have known each other since 1998 but our friendship gathered depth only in 2016 when my mind was in the darkest dungeons. These days – April and May - stretch like a lost train on a desert in grueling summer sun in Africa. TH Iyer mama’s calls is the only time in the day I get to open my mouth – his mind is sharp and he is high on faith and discipline. Each day he calls at 9 in the morning, “How is your day? Did you get your driving license renewal? What did the cook make for you today? What is happening on the loan front? Did you talk to Prakash? This concern is a tonic for me – in this planet at least I have one person batting for me.

            Over the last fortnight I discovered the pleasures of my terrace. I wait for 6’0 clock in the evening, such is a scenic beauty awaiting me. The terrace feels like being on the beach, the view is fantastic with lot of trees and birds. I sit on the staircase to the motor room and take in the breeze, the gale winds of the Bay of Bengal sweeps over the Chennai land mass feels a healing of tired minds. The breeze is so strong that crows are tossed around in flight. Nature is always therapeutic; my love for this house shoots up at this time of the day regardless of the obstacles in the loan process. At times I chant some slokas, if energetic I stretch a few limbs, I water the plants and I practice mindfulness. This 40 min is sacrosanct, I don't despoil it wallowing in self-pity or forebodings.

            I also re-ignited my friendship with Ashish after a cloud of mis-understanding. The matter was trivial and it is foolhardy to re-visit those regions again. He was large-hearted, I am more than happy to rediscover our friendship.

            I feel so bored on some days that I do a lot of Rudram or Gita chanting; the guitar holds no attraction after 20 minutes. It is then I realize how much I miss the SPARRC morning sessions. If 2019 was a good positive year, it had to do with this daily discipline. It resolves me to get a two wheeler and resume those morning rehab exercises at Besant nagar.  
           Yesterday TH Iyer mama said, “Sathya, stop hurting your sibling with your stupid mails. Maybe it is this negativity that is affecting your loan process.” This is my Achilles heel as my mind reflected on guruji’s words: It never pays to be the cause of someone’s misery. Nature punishes you first, here and now, robbing your mind of whatever peace gathered over time.

            I love my Bhagawad Gita recordings, I was introduced to Gita when I was 22.  Only now at 51 the mind is matured to relish its full fragrance. When I sit on the terrace, I ponder over these wonderful thoughts of Karma yoga and nature of Brahman. I loved “Mary Poppins returns” and “Togo” on Hotstar Disney. I watch very little of television, zilch reading and so I chew on my long thoughts to fill the long hours of the day.

            The world around is neither a source of joy or sorrow. I keep praying: Lord, give me some energy to discover some positivity in myself. The best of these times was “renewing my driving license”. It’s a story that merits a blog post to itself but let me serve the gist. My driving license expired last year as my clock hit the 50^th birthday. Nitin Gadkari gives one-year extension for renewal. For first three months of 2020 I was as frantic as a bird that lost its young one to a predator in my chase for “change in address in Aadhar card”. I paid the renewal fees, had an appointment and the officer rejected my application for lack of new address in Aadhar. Now I tried a second time with the Besant Nagar address, engaging a Xerox shop owner opposite the RTO office (his main business is giving medical certificate, fixing appointments and getting those application forms). My license would have overrun the one-year extension, how I reached my papers to this man is some anecdote in the lockdown days of no traffic on the roads.  He fixed an appointment, paid the fees on my behalf just one day before my 51^st birthday.  The RTO opened this week and there I was on 12/5 with these set of papers. They took my snap, scrawled the signature on a digital pad and presto within 90 min I had the smart card. I felt waves of joy flood the veins and neural systems. Not even climbing the Everest would have been so rupturous!!!! Now I proudly display the “smart card” on the cupboard. So each time I open it for books or clothes, I gloat over my smartness. On such small wins my life rests and I am not complaining. But seriously, I need to get the 2019 discipline of SPARRC and resume stock market trading again for happy hormones to flow.  

Facebook thoughts

#171

My facebook posts are usually mindfulness thoughts; they spring at a moment and at times I record it. When I was a cub writer in 2006, I would pen down any gem that popped out from the cranium. But now that's not the case. Trust me, writing gets infinitely easier if you have only you to impress. Now for these thoughts (you can find me as "thinksathya" on FB):

             We are such poor listeners. I recorded half a dozen calls with my friends, I played them back and the conversations sounded awful. Nobody was listening, each bidding their time to interrupt. I also realized that the attention span is so little, don't speak more than 3 sentences at any point in time. People switch out much before then. People are not evil, they don't think bad for you but they are obsessed in themselves. They don't live to serve your purpose, so don't waste time. A good conversation is one with a lot of pauses, bad one is a Rajdhani express. Never EXPLAIN, don't ever be in a conversation where you are not listened to. They only add up to NOISE. 

Money and fame are external world's validation of you. Totally unreliable and fake - they come & go and fickle. The world outside is never smart, so don't pay any heed on your money and fame quotients. The world perpetuates itself on glamour and money. We live in an age where a Kim Kardarshian the porn star would rank higher than an Einstein or Newton on the page 3 supplement. I am literally a zero - I stay alone barring a few friends - but I have lived. What money and fame the world denied, I confer self-love and self-compassion. The journey is long and tough, be your best friend and 24 hours support (you are the ambulance driver, surgeon, cardiologist, critical care and nursing for your mind). Keep faith in one person and just one person alone - not Buddha or Vipassana or Mindfulness but "Sathyanarayanan". When troubles knock at the door, look at the mirror and smile. You will see it through. As always.

As you keep peeling life experiences one thing gets clear: all our lives are spent in a search for love (understanding and care). We keeping running from foolish people who latch on to you to desperately seeking love and understanding from wise ones. Remember it is only the wise who listen to other's grievances, generate empathy - the only bridges of connection to another's mind and heart. But the supply of wise ones is always perpetually in drops and drips. In the end, we are saddled with fools, our lives spent running in meaningless chases before realizing an eternal truth: There is no one apart from "I" and everything is just a passing illusion. So don't play the fool to yourself. 

Is there a god who rules our destinies or are we products of randomness? I believe there is no GOD directing planets in orbits; it is unlikely that GOD would direct the SUN to revolve around a larger galaxy and the nine planets around itself. It's pure Science and specifically the laws of gravitation. The universe is self-evolving and self-sustaining like a weed, it needs no supervisor either for its order in precision or madness in chaos. But we humans create god for we are swamped by grief and sorrow. We invented religion to bring order and discipline to our minds; needless to say failed miserably.  We are emotionally very fragile (it takes very little to break our hearts) but we think we are super-smart. Life is an adventure none of us have the manual, we write our own rules and these keep revising with experiences.