Being “alive”

#176

I realized this of recent making: my life is essentially a desert-ish but there are moments where I come alive to every atom. I pray for 4-5 such occasions in a year where my mind is absorbed to the point of losing my identity; I am not self-conscious so dipped in an activity. This is the magic of being in a zone, at times when I write there is no “I” or even the “keypad” or the “screen” – all merge into a state of timeliness where a beginning of a thought takes flight on its own. These are few moments in life – very rare – that you feel the presence of the divine. Nature does not intrude on your life, but it’s the one that determines your destiny. There are thousands of unsung geniuses for every Bill Gates and a Steve Jobs. Most of them bloom unseen and unappreciated but what the hell they do become instruments on which nature plays its tune.

            A bit self-serving argument but let me explain further to make this obscure point. In the last three years there were certain events that got this timelessness in me:

a)     Going to SPARRC in 2019 got in a lot of endorphins in the system. Exercising for an hour under the watchful eye of a trainer, there is nothing remotely exciting about it. Bring some banter, supply your own humour, put some positive characters and you feel a bit of magic about living. Being in India, there are few occasions where the “environment is conducive”. It’s like being in SDP’s or Rajaram’s company, each time I talk to them my mind conjures up a startling insight or my humour is on the plane of a Beans or Jim Carrey! They give me the “space” to take liberties and the mind feeds on that little won freedom and rewards itself.

b)     I loved the one week in North India last year – be it the 50^th birthday part on day-1, day-2 at Saharanpur and a jungle safari at Rajaji National Park, then Haridwar and Rishikesh on day -3 and 4, before ending with a four hours scooty ride in Mussoorie that was a “standout” amidst standouts.

c)      I loved writing “Bangalore Vipassana” reminiscences of March, 2019 and also July round of “meditation at Igatpuri” (it was a three-part series). For me, doing the “Portraits” series in 2017 was the road to recovery. That finally convinced me that I was alive and it felt that a writer in me can never be extinguished. I may get rusty and pedestrian but there’s a vein of creativity embedded here, I treat my words with a lot of affection and at times their magic shows on page.

d)     Oh, how much I loved each of my Mumbai visits – Core strategy in June, 2019 then August for Future and Options in September.  I was mad with anger during the Options classes but a simple taxi ride with the instructor got in some much of healing and embracement. Today Rahul is one of my best friends, so is Kapil. Both instructors are possibly the best trading professionals of this zombie Bharatmata. OTA and SPARCC have a commonality – both hire professionals who vibe well, they squeeze out a measure of positivity from the interactions.

e)     I loved Madurai for those four days in December 2018 – flying into a tiny airport in a small plane, those temple visits especially Madurai Meenakshi was a memorable visit. But it was travelling in the 3 hour passenger trains from Madurai to Tenkasi for Courtrallam Falls or Madurai Rameshwaram that fetched the mind those special moments.

There are some Vipassana centres which vibrate this specialness: I always loved the Bangalore centre; Igatpuri, Kolhapur and Nagpur (there is something to Maharashtra; I visited these places during monsoons and it was a sheer delight) felt soothing to the mind; Hyderabad centre vibrates authority to me, Chennai is like common salt and so prosaic that I usually give it a miss. There is no rationale to how your mind is wired for its perception but treat it with respect. Don’t stray too far from its inferences, life is mostly about “how you feel” rather than any charm of its own.

            2020 had its share of “special moments” that felt a privilege to live. My mind was dancing with excitement when I wrote the four-part Alexander series, I loved myself doing the audio files of the Bhagavad Gita summaries on Anchor. I also relished my drinking sessions with Ranga at Maris, sad those days are denied to me from this extended lockdown. Ranga has a mind that soars from the drab of life. The best part of such timeless moments is “you don’t plan for them” for it just imposes itself on you. That’s where you get spontaneity and creativity, they seem to flow inside you. Otherwise for most part, it is dal, chawal and roti. Life is dreary as a hot summer breeze in a Sahara, there is a revulsion to waking up each day. But the compensate is phenomenal when nature decides to use you as its instrument. When you love others as much as you love yourself then magic flows. Reality is "most times we fall into self-pity and self-hatred and look at the world with apathy" but for these special moments. When you love life, it sometimes loves you back.