Never forget this

(I had a lot of scruples posting these very personal things here but they serve a lesson: NOT TO TRUST A WOMAN AT FIRST SIGHT. This woman played me like a football because I was a fool. I am posting this as a reminder so that I don't repeat that mistake again with another woman)

15th November, 2007

me: when i write, angels come out of heaven to read them

2:16 PM But the effort I put is tremendous

Jackal Mami: :))

 me: I have cry, laugh,, and feel the whole thing

 Jackal Mami: one angel will sit on your lap and will read it

 me: first read what I gave u

Jackal Mami: with you

  :(

 me: and u will see my talent

 Jackal mami: i have seen your talent

2:17 PM i dont question it

 me: after that u speak to me in hushed tones!!

 Jackal Mami: why should I

 me: respect will increase

Jackal Mami: you will still be a freind, heart and soul even if you acheive hieghts

  and the same applies to me

2:18 PM me: correct

 Jackal Mami: that respect will always be there, you achevie it or not

Jackal Mami: meet real ppl, do a research on issue and then write

2:05 PM me: okay memsahib

  I will do as per ur wishes

 Jackal Mami: i will help you on the issues concerning to social change

 me: ur my soul, isn't it

 Jackal Mami: there are many

  i want you to be famous writer one day

 me: I just want to be your best frined

2:06 PM that's all

 Jackal Mami: but with a sensitive heart

  which you laready have but needs an expression in your writing

 me: okay then I want to remain ur best friend

 Jackal Mami: that you are

  its given

 me: at all times

Jackal Mami: i dont seee you as competitor but just an extension

 me: god

  I see u as my soul

 Jackal Mami: we both are extension to each other

 me: and u see me as an extension

2:11 PM Jackal Mami: thats how love brings us together

 me: I am already in tears

  how could u

 Jackal Mami: forget the MCP and think it from love

  arrey

  dont you see me as your extension???

2:12 PM me: I see u as my soul

  as my prana

 Jackal Mami: ok

 me: as my destination

 Jackal Mami: so you are for me

 me: as my heart

  as my identity

 Jackal Mami: piece of heart :)

 me: while u only see me as extension

 Jackal Mami: isnt it you heart is part of you

  hey ram

  give me a break
 Jackal Mami: aur koi aadesh mere sarkar :)))

  me: only so much for the day.
       more when the occasion arises :) 

This is the woman who said even before we met in Aug, 2007, "Sathya, if you smoke I will drive my car to the tree." or "Hug me, kiss me, feel me even before we met." Some other classics: I will wear stockings on our first night and I will suck your big toe.  Or I have to lose 3 kgs more and then you will have a sexy wife. Even after sharing a cot at Ahmedabad, Bangalore and Kodaikanal, she really kept her options open. Truly liberated woman this; total sexual freedom this. 

20^th February, 2010

Sathya,

SORRY

We met in 2007 to explore the possibilty if we can marry and live life together. It was good meeting you then. i was impressed with your wrtings and was moved by the problems that you were facing. I too was going through my own problems: Old parents,their illness,  change of rental houses every year and switch over of the job. 

We tried to build something together. I introduced you to my parents as well since it was intended to. But over a period of time we both realized that this relation was not working. Frequent fights on phone, your frequent , aggressive mails were evident and created doubts in my mind.I could not cope with it.  I was also not in a postion till the middle of 2008 to come over due to all the problems that I was facing. Only thing I begged at that time  was some patience and support from your side. But things went too far off.   The kind of troubled life that I led so far, and the kind of responsibilities I have, I could not afford to take any such intiative that later on will prevent me from fulfilling my resposibilities. After that I also did not feel like coming there.

I made a mistake not to close it then. I should have closed all the talks and mails, although they were just friendly in nature. I did not realize it would hurt you so much. Your mails and phone calls kept giving me signals that it is over and lets just be friends. Our frequent calls and mails stopped. I would not accept all the blames, and I have my own reasons for the same, but I never  intended to hurt you. People get out of the relationships when they realize it is not working.

Having said all the above, I am really sorry for hurting you so much. I should have closed it in 2008 itself. I apologize. I did not intend to hurt you. Although in recent past, you have been so abusive with all your mails and blogs, I still feel bad that you are hurt becuase of me. Yet, I think i reserve my right to decide  about my life.

Lasly, I am really sorry for not closing this relationship properly as you say that I should have come to Chennai, apologize, and give a decent closure. I am sorry I could not do that.  Please accept my apologies. Thanks.

This is my last mail to you. Hope peace and deceny will prevail.

As suggested by you, I will send your book back to you and will destroy all the mails, letters etc. Apologies again.

May god bless you to do well in your wrting career and betow upon you every thing that you desire. 

All the best!

Jackal Mami

My reply:

Accepted; at last!!!! I took more than 6 months for it.

Justifying a crime is even more getting entrenched.

Each mind works differently; but there are some basics. One does not fall in love and then fall out for no reason. That's a point and that's where the word "whore" has its origin.

Again I don't want to examine the past; but your behaviour by even western standards were appalling. If a woman shifting houses gets so paranoid, what about a man who has lost his job then? If this relation failed it was ur disinclination to learn another language and another cuisine. Sure, this attitude will still be persistent with another man!!!!! Please learn and make your husband happy. 

My blogs and my mails are always factual; please understand that you are no Sita or Savitri. You are a proud arrogant woman earning 1 lac a month who demands her pound of flesh. Relations in 2010 will conk; but there must be a reason.

I am glad that I would not have had to suffer you; you will keep fighting and my writing would have suffered. But then the Pushpa of 2007 was simply out of the world. Then you wanted to build, you listened to me with respect. I loved that woman greatly and even of the memory of it today. So when you want to listen and be respectful, you will. I must learn that art for I too idealistic and uniform.

Mrs. PW, you must check the workings of your mind. Suddenly, non-issues can spoil a relation so easily means that you are still vulnerable. We build a mountain of love -just 7 days we met and what camaraderie - and you SUNK it because of a few mails n calls. How silly? A simple common sense would have been to address those. The fights happened because you kept pushing off the wedding, UNILATERALLY. (That begs the question: you don't seem to believe in consultations)

I believe a normal woman is not so sensitive, a normal woman will not give up those memories so easily. I am absolutely sure of it. 

It is all over; I hope this mail makes you reflect. And you will behave better after this chastisement with your husband. No more primma donna stuff; be humble; and add love and affection in every transaction.

All the best!!!! (you will hear never again from me!!!!) 

Sathyanarayanan

PS: I will never forget the Pushpa of 2007 till I die; she was truly an angel. I thank you sincerely for those memories. You are a great woman generally; but you failed here badly. The kingdom of heaven was within us and then we said; we will go to hell on separate horses. I am sure when you die, you will think about me. And of course, I will think about you!!!

My only advice as an ex-friend is do some expiation; serve in a gurudwara or wherever. Your blunder is no less than hijacking a plane or robbing a bank; to split a relation is great sin. Hopefully I will also learn to be happy with or without a wife; with or without writing fame. I wish you, bless you, and take care. Mistakes are human and maybe, it was meant to end like this. If this was a story I was working on; it still is a stinking end. 

Vivek’ s take (23^rd November, 2010)

Dear Sathya,

Whjle I empathize with your predicament and your sense of betrayal, at the back of my mind I am glad that this did not progress further as there is a vast chasm between your and PWs mental and moral philosophy. If things had progresses further I wonder if it would have lasted. You are over sensitive, spiritual and a one woman kind of person while she appears to be highly strung, aggressive and over ambitious. All individuals are different ( God makes us that way to prevent monotony in life) Some are compatible, some are not. I am also sure that when you guys were together it must have been magical. Anyway, the past is dead and gone and you have to move on. Now that she has apologised and also has chosen a new life of herself let it be. Cherish the good memories and dump the bitter ones. I know it sounds clichéd but it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tell me honestly, if I give you a time machine and send you back to 2007 with the knowledge that it is going to end like that would you go in for PW again? I think you would. I wish that you and PW had lived happily ever after but then it is not a perfect world and the only thing to do is say now what instead of why me!

My take (2018 especially after the MINDFULNESS lessons)

Had I known that the woman I was dating in Aug, 2007 is a flirt and it would end like this, I would not have flown to Ahmedabad to meet her in the first place. Had I known about this in Kodaikanal in October, 2007 I would have most certainly pushed the hot pussy down the rocks. And in October, 2009 had she been in the same city, I would choked her to death with my bare hands regardless of a stint in a jail. I have known Balakanth and a blood of such a cunt on my hands is no crime at all.  She killed me by inches and so I would have forced the issue by breaking her neck. She escaped from being in a different city. So would I have dated and partied and shared a bed with a woman knowing that she would do the same with another man after me, I dare say NO. 
            LOVE is a one-time emotion in one's life and pity is, I wasted it on a two pence piece of meat.