August Augury

This was some action month. 

I spent a week in Delhi which is a major miracle and a lot of IMT camaraderie. It’s been an interesting month but for starters let me get the negative thing off my back.

Defamation: On 10^th August I get a crank call from a mad man in Ahmedabad saying, “You are a pervert and you have gone back to your defamation ways. I will put you in jail for this.” I shouted him down, “Yes, I am a pervert in words while your client was a pervert in behaviour.”

            Now this is old story, I have not an ounce of emotion in that garbage quagmire. My life essentially has been a victim of four women and in my blogs of over 1000 posts this strand appears now and then. On pUsHpa I genuinely thought she had changed her surname and in my posts it was only the maiden name. I did post a google talk which I am not entirely certain whether it is libelous in character or not. But someone’s photographs or mails are not exactly one’s private property; of course I am sure these can be put up on a blog medium. I have no time or energy to check that out with an expert lawyer’s view; but once I do then I will do everything under the law to write my posts as I deem fit. If anyone has a case for defamation, please bring it on.

            Since my focus these days is jobs and earnings, I removed couple of blog posts on the advice of one of my UNICEF friends. Mr. X (let the name be anonymous) is one of the UNICEF heads in the South and a very good friend and he advised, “Remove this lot for it does no one any good. But if there is a case filed against you, I will help you with lawyers or talk to her bosses in Gujarat.” One good thing that came of this unsavoury was I looked at her profile and she looks my aunty for a great insight: women age rapidly while nature goes easier on men. That’s why in the older days WIVES were a good 10 years younger. pw is a piece of shit and no amount of French perfumes can douse the foul odour.

This did leave a bad taste in the mouth for a couple of days before the strains of living got my attention elsewhere. But rest assured this female has it coming once I set my house in order and once I get a lawyer clearance.

Ex-PW club: I posted this story in writersathya and the very next day an assistant director of Bahubali wrote to me saying, “I would like to meet you in Pondicherry.” This time I took his mobile number, spoke to him before taking a trip on 12/8. Some lesson I learnt from the Dubai fraud. As fortune would have it, again let me call him Mr. Y, smsed saying, “My financier’s father just passed away and we are rushing for condolence. So kindly postpone your trip. But let me assure that I am still interested in the story.”  I got this message midway through my bus journey; I continued for a day out at Pondi for a break from solitude and meditated in the Mother’s Ashram.  And I came back home refreshed and exhausted.

            Yesterday I spoke to a Bollywood producer who happened to be my 1992 batch mate. She said, “Not my scene but I will see if I can put you on to those in this genre.”

IMT cares: After a dozen of my alumni read these posts and one 1992 classmate who wishes anonymity called on 31/7 saying, “Sathya, I have a spare apartment in Delhi and you can use it for as long as six months. Chennai is a graveyard market, come to Delhi and explore this market.” Such an appeal was hard to ignore considering this friend has done spectacularly well on the career front since our passing out in 1992.

            I booked a ticket in Air Vistara on 15/8 and it is the first time I am flying after the Abu Dhabi fiasco in 2014.  My friend was extremely hospitable who trusted me with the keys to a swanky apartment that comes with a swimming pool. This is affluence on a scale where a Aamir Khan or Salman Khan would reside.

            I was there for a week and realized one thing: there is no fun staying on another’s hospitality however large-hearted and sincere well-wishers. I also stumped on this insight: There are no jobs @ 49. No company in the face of earth would hire for my resume. I can only get a job based on my talent which must be experienced in freelance assignments.  Once this thing penetrated the skull, I booked my return journey much to my host’s surprise.

            I met the Kalyani family at Lajpatnagar and made friends with Manisha and both her brothers. Prashant’s daughter who was 6 months old during my last visit in 2008 is now old enough and smart enough to read my blog posts.  I found that girl super smart. They gave me a wonderful dinner and Santosh dropped me at the railway station for the third time in as many visits – in 2006, he dropped me at the station, 2008 at the airport when we were stuck in a traffic jam and I just made it when the counter was closing and now in 2018. I value my relation with this family. I loved my travel on Delhi metro and was zapped by the yellow line, magneta line and blue line and all that. Truly an international city in terms of infrastructure; I also found them friendly. Maybe it was my pronounced limp or grey hairs, Delhities offered me a seat even in crowded trains much to my discomfiture. But I loved the respect at least my age was fetching me.

            On the last day, 22^nd Aug, Lalit of IMT 1992 batch called me from Indonesia, “Sathya, one week is too short a stay. Try for couple of more weeks before you return to base.” Then Neetu, another alumnus called, “Hey, Sathya so nice catching up after 25 years. How about staying for Kochie’s 50^th birthday celebrations when the whole batch will congregate and it will be nice to catch up.” I spoke to Anurag at Mumbai and he promised to help me in his firm. I always find an intrinsic decency and nobility interacting with Anurag and Darbari. Shabd wrote from Los Angeles, “Sathya, don’t lose heart for God does not forsake anyone. Having faith and trust makes the journey easier,” for a message I am not going to forget in a while.

            Lakhina hosted a lunch at the Galleria and he was friendly and concerned and what I can say about Smita who heard all my life tales with sympathy: abusive parents, apathetic siblings, whore for a date and how my life has been laid low from factors beyond my control. I said, “All I heard from this pussy was her daily menopause and hormonal changes for a year.” She said, “That woman got it wrong for no woman can hope to find a more romantic and committed man like you. I clearly see her mistake of committing in early and then backtracking. But Sathya, don’t worry. Your best days are just round the corner.”

            Seeing such warmth from friends who have I not seen or interacted since 1992 felt overwhelming. Certainly North India cares and I loved Delhi for such generosity and friendliness. I gifted DARLING INDIA to Lakhina and Smita; I also read that on the train in decades and I loved it. I normally don’t read what I write but once in a blue moon they really fill the heart with abundance.

            I am more or less firm on selling the apartment unless JustDial or NIIT were to click. I am a bit sceptical here. Mani Sir advised me from Doha, “Sathya, you have a big terrace at Besant Nagar and why not do roof top gardening. It will fill up time most admirably and you also stand to generate a good income. I know of a person in Coimbatore and I will put you on him when I am back to Chennai.”

            August was that kind of a month. I got a lot of affection from Iyer mama and Shyam in Bangalore and so many people. I live a life of a recluse hermit but I love these human connections. I also learnt that I am blessed with a lot of caring friends who will haul me up even as I drown in the abyss of an ocean floor. They are lots of good people in the world was the realization for a hard-boiled cynic in me. This was verily a good month for some life-long memories and worth cherishing.

Never forget this

(I had a lot of scruples posting these very personal things here but they serve a lesson: NOT TO TRUST A WOMAN AT FIRST SIGHT. This woman played me like a football because I was a fool. I am posting this as a reminder so that I don't repeat that mistake again with another woman)

15th November, 2007

me: when i write, angels come out of heaven to read them

2:16 PM But the effort I put is tremendous

Jackal Mami: :))

 me: I have cry, laugh,, and feel the whole thing

 Jackal Mami: one angel will sit on your lap and will read it

 me: first read what I gave u

Jackal Mami: with you

  :(

 me: and u will see my talent

 Jackal mami: i have seen your talent

2:17 PM i dont question it

 me: after that u speak to me in hushed tones!!

 Jackal Mami: why should I

 me: respect will increase

Jackal Mami: you will still be a freind, heart and soul even if you acheive hieghts

  and the same applies to me

2:18 PM me: correct

 Jackal Mami: that respect will always be there, you achevie it or not

Jackal Mami: meet real ppl, do a research on issue and then write

2:05 PM me: okay memsahib

  I will do as per ur wishes

 Jackal Mami: i will help you on the issues concerning to social change

 me: ur my soul, isn't it

 Jackal Mami: there are many

  i want you to be famous writer one day

 me: I just want to be your best frined

2:06 PM that's all

 Jackal Mami: but with a sensitive heart

  which you laready have but needs an expression in your writing

 me: okay then I want to remain ur best friend

 Jackal Mami: that you are

  its given

 me: at all times

Jackal Mami: i dont seee you as competitor but just an extension

 me: god

  I see u as my soul

 Jackal Mami: we both are extension to each other

 me: and u see me as an extension

2:11 PM Jackal Mami: thats how love brings us together

 me: I am already in tears

  how could u

 Jackal Mami: forget the MCP and think it from love

  arrey

  dont you see me as your extension???

2:12 PM me: I see u as my soul

  as my prana

 Jackal Mami: ok

 me: as my destination

 Jackal Mami: so you are for me

 me: as my heart

  as my identity

 Jackal Mami: piece of heart :)

 me: while u only see me as extension

 Jackal Mami: isnt it you heart is part of you

  hey ram

  give me a break
 Jackal Mami: aur koi aadesh mere sarkar :)))

  me: only so much for the day.
       more when the occasion arises :) 

This is the woman who said even before we met in Aug, 2007, "Sathya, if you smoke I will drive my car to the tree." or "Hug me, kiss me, feel me even before we met." Some other classics: I will wear stockings on our first night and I will suck your big toe.  Or I have to lose 3 kgs more and then you will have a sexy wife. Even after sharing a cot at Ahmedabad, Bangalore and Kodaikanal, she really kept her options open. Truly liberated woman this; total sexual freedom this. 

20^th February, 2010

Sathya,

SORRY

We met in 2007 to explore the possibilty if we can marry and live life together. It was good meeting you then. i was impressed with your wrtings and was moved by the problems that you were facing. I too was going through my own problems: Old parents,their illness,  change of rental houses every year and switch over of the job. 

We tried to build something together. I introduced you to my parents as well since it was intended to. But over a period of time we both realized that this relation was not working. Frequent fights on phone, your frequent , aggressive mails were evident and created doubts in my mind.I could not cope with it.  I was also not in a postion till the middle of 2008 to come over due to all the problems that I was facing. Only thing I begged at that time  was some patience and support from your side. But things went too far off.   The kind of troubled life that I led so far, and the kind of responsibilities I have, I could not afford to take any such intiative that later on will prevent me from fulfilling my resposibilities. After that I also did not feel like coming there.

I made a mistake not to close it then. I should have closed all the talks and mails, although they were just friendly in nature. I did not realize it would hurt you so much. Your mails and phone calls kept giving me signals that it is over and lets just be friends. Our frequent calls and mails stopped. I would not accept all the blames, and I have my own reasons for the same, but I never  intended to hurt you. People get out of the relationships when they realize it is not working.

Having said all the above, I am really sorry for hurting you so much. I should have closed it in 2008 itself. I apologize. I did not intend to hurt you. Although in recent past, you have been so abusive with all your mails and blogs, I still feel bad that you are hurt becuase of me. Yet, I think i reserve my right to decide  about my life.

Lasly, I am really sorry for not closing this relationship properly as you say that I should have come to Chennai, apologize, and give a decent closure. I am sorry I could not do that.  Please accept my apologies. Thanks.

This is my last mail to you. Hope peace and deceny will prevail.

As suggested by you, I will send your book back to you and will destroy all the mails, letters etc. Apologies again.

May god bless you to do well in your wrting career and betow upon you every thing that you desire. 

All the best!

Jackal Mami

My reply:

Accepted; at last!!!! I took more than 6 months for it.

Justifying a crime is even more getting entrenched.

Each mind works differently; but there are some basics. One does not fall in love and then fall out for no reason. That's a point and that's where the word "whore" has its origin.

Again I don't want to examine the past; but your behaviour by even western standards were appalling. If a woman shifting houses gets so paranoid, what about a man who has lost his job then? If this relation failed it was ur disinclination to learn another language and another cuisine. Sure, this attitude will still be persistent with another man!!!!! Please learn and make your husband happy. 

My blogs and my mails are always factual; please understand that you are no Sita or Savitri. You are a proud arrogant woman earning 1 lac a month who demands her pound of flesh. Relations in 2010 will conk; but there must be a reason.

I am glad that I would not have had to suffer you; you will keep fighting and my writing would have suffered. But then the Pushpa of 2007 was simply out of the world. Then you wanted to build, you listened to me with respect. I loved that woman greatly and even of the memory of it today. So when you want to listen and be respectful, you will. I must learn that art for I too idealistic and uniform.

Mrs. PW, you must check the workings of your mind. Suddenly, non-issues can spoil a relation so easily means that you are still vulnerable. We build a mountain of love -just 7 days we met and what camaraderie - and you SUNK it because of a few mails n calls. How silly? A simple common sense would have been to address those. The fights happened because you kept pushing off the wedding, UNILATERALLY. (That begs the question: you don't seem to believe in consultations)

I believe a normal woman is not so sensitive, a normal woman will not give up those memories so easily. I am absolutely sure of it. 

It is all over; I hope this mail makes you reflect. And you will behave better after this chastisement with your husband. No more primma donna stuff; be humble; and add love and affection in every transaction.

All the best!!!! (you will hear never again from me!!!!) 

Sathyanarayanan

PS: I will never forget the Pushpa of 2007 till I die; she was truly an angel. I thank you sincerely for those memories. You are a great woman generally; but you failed here badly. The kingdom of heaven was within us and then we said; we will go to hell on separate horses. I am sure when you die, you will think about me. And of course, I will think about you!!!

My only advice as an ex-friend is do some expiation; serve in a gurudwara or wherever. Your blunder is no less than hijacking a plane or robbing a bank; to split a relation is great sin. Hopefully I will also learn to be happy with or without a wife; with or without writing fame. I wish you, bless you, and take care. Mistakes are human and maybe, it was meant to end like this. If this was a story I was working on; it still is a stinking end. 

Vivek’ s take (23^rd November, 2010)

Dear Sathya,

Whjle I empathize with your predicament and your sense of betrayal, at the back of my mind I am glad that this did not progress further as there is a vast chasm between your and PWs mental and moral philosophy. If things had progresses further I wonder if it would have lasted. You are over sensitive, spiritual and a one woman kind of person while she appears to be highly strung, aggressive and over ambitious. All individuals are different ( God makes us that way to prevent monotony in life) Some are compatible, some are not. I am also sure that when you guys were together it must have been magical. Anyway, the past is dead and gone and you have to move on. Now that she has apologised and also has chosen a new life of herself let it be. Cherish the good memories and dump the bitter ones. I know it sounds clichéd but it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tell me honestly, if I give you a time machine and send you back to 2007 with the knowledge that it is going to end like that would you go in for PW again? I think you would. I wish that you and PW had lived happily ever after but then it is not a perfect world and the only thing to do is say now what instead of why me!

My take (2018 especially after the MINDFULNESS lessons)

Had I known that the woman I was dating in Aug, 2007 is a flirt and it would end like this, I would not have flown to Ahmedabad to meet her in the first place. Had I known about this in Kodaikanal in October, 2007 I would have most certainly pushed the hot pussy down the rocks. And in October, 2009 had she been in the same city, I would choked her to death with my bare hands regardless of a stint in a jail. I have known Balakanth and a blood of such a cunt on my hands is no crime at all.  She killed me by inches and so I would have forced the issue by breaking her neck. She escaped from being in a different city. So would I have dated and partied and shared a bed with a woman knowing that she would do the same with another man after me, I dare say NO. 
            LOVE is a one-time emotion in one's life and pity is, I wasted it on a two pence piece of meat. 

Get up and pick up the pieces

#105 post: On 30^th July I simply knew without a shadow of doubt that I was defrauded. 

Uma Gayathri spun a huge monster of a tale and I lost over a lac. I felt no shame losing this money to a con-genius. At every stage she was ahead of the game. I met the Deputy Commissioner on 1^st August for a formal complaint. He was so young and so energetic that it felt reassuring though Ramesh said, “Consider this as Perumal koil hundi” and Srinivasan said, “Treat it as a learning curve, you had to pay for your stupidity.” As for me, I never moaned the loss even for a second.

            As the days advanced, I did feel the loss of Dubai images- clean roads, everything structured, tall skyscrapers, shopper’s paradise, decent interactions but it is a closed society and one is ever vigilant and fearful that you could commit a crime or trespass some law. UAE is a law abiding country; you can throw your wallet on the roads and it will find its way back to you. Zero per cent crime, good honest hardworking class, money and riches at every corner of the eyes but it still is not your country. Whatever views you have on religion, nationality, politics; you shove it in your mouth and not air it out.  Losing UAE dream is nothing compared to losing the romantic dreams in 2009; that took me couple of years to recover.

            My next career move is most likely Gurgaon. Let’s see how the rest of the year shapes up. I feel the NCR region would have better things for me than the dead man’s city, Chennai. Hope and prayers; lots of humility for I have a debt to service and it is a mountain to climb kind of a situation.

            There was a good lesson I learnt first-hand last week. I wrote to Deepak saying, “50 is not the age to start in a new city. Even at Chennai, I would prefer half day’s work. I don’t know how I am going to manage a Gurgaon or Mumbai with arthritis knees and loneliness that comes to an abandoned man.”

            He was brilliant to allay my fears saying, “Gurgaon is international, cosmopolitan and you will get everything including a lot of Tamil community thrown in. Don’t worry and I am sure you will fit in.”  Very few people on earth have this divine quality of quelling someone’s real fears; the worst of us are more familiar in triggering panic attacks.

            I was telling TH Iyer mama, “If I get that Mumbai job offer then I am afraid it will be back to the grind of cheap quarters and long travel in crowded suburbans. I don’t know whether my health can stand up to daily living. At least I know the odds in Besant nagar and I live within my means.”  He was reassuring, “That company is huge and influential in Mumbai and they will help you in finding your quarters.”

            This is a lesson worth cultivation. When someone is scared, a simple reassuring and kind word is just what the doctor ordered. This is sign of culture and good upbringing. Truly to encourage doubting thomases, it is a singular gift I got to observe and learn from Deepak and TH Iyer mama.

            On Saturday I paid a condolence visit to Venkitakrishnan mama’s place and I felt very glad that I did so. I met all the five sons and the fourth son said, “I loved your blogs on my father.” The third son said, “I read line by line of your blogs to my mother and your words gave us a lot of solace.” They gave me a picture postcard of mama with a gold coin and a fantastic filter coffee. This is an incredible family where the sons earned money and gave it to the mother for a common pool. That family is so united and stay together that I thought: in my next birth I wish to be born to such a close-knit and a large family where one is never short of uncles or aunts or cousins and nephews and nieces.” In a cruel world it makes all the more sense for at least the families of siblings to know and relate to each other.

            Yesterday I visited Viji’s place as she turns 56 today. That she has managed mother for over a decade is strength and endurance of a marathon runner. As for me, Dubai collapsed and Gurgaon opens the door. It is time I made it count. I did the enneagram test and I am a type 5 personality. Reading the notes of this type got my pulse racing as it said: observant, curious, inertia for action, loner which is a self-description. So I must read these notes and improve myself by being heedless (I think too much that I wait for problems to solve in the head more often) and get in a bit of an adventurous streak. Let me go to unknown territories and expand my horizon than chewing the cud all the time. This is the first week of losing a dream and starting another and I am glad the mind made all those adjustments on its own. I am great, you know!!!!! I was so happy that Gopalan my third student of the communication classes called from London to enquire of my welfare. I surprise myself all the time.