Never forget this

(I had a lot of scruples posting these very personal things here but they serve a lesson: NOT TO TRUST A WOMAN AT FIRST SIGHT. This woman played me like a football because I was a fool. I am posting this as a reminder so that I don't repeat that mistake again with another woman)

15th November, 2007

me: when i write, angels come out of heaven to read them

2:16 PM But the effort I put is tremendous

Jackal Mami: :))

 me: I have cry, laugh,, and feel the whole thing

 Jackal Mami: one angel will sit on your lap and will read it

 me: first read what I gave u

Jackal Mami: with you

  :(

 me: and u will see my talent

 Jackal mami: i have seen your talent

2:17 PM i dont question it

 me: after that u speak to me in hushed tones!!

 Jackal Mami: why should I

 me: respect will increase

Jackal Mami: you will still be a freind, heart and soul even if you acheive hieghts

  and the same applies to me

2:18 PM me: correct

 Jackal Mami: that respect will always be there, you achevie it or not

Jackal Mami: meet real ppl, do a research on issue and then write

2:05 PM me: okay memsahib

  I will do as per ur wishes

 Jackal Mami: i will help you on the issues concerning to social change

 me: ur my soul, isn't it

 Jackal Mami: there are many

  i want you to be famous writer one day

 me: I just want to be your best frined

2:06 PM that's all

 Jackal Mami: but with a sensitive heart

  which you laready have but needs an expression in your writing

 me: okay then I want to remain ur best friend

 Jackal Mami: that you are

  its given

 me: at all times

Jackal Mami: i dont seee you as competitor but just an extension

 me: god

  I see u as my soul

 Jackal Mami: we both are extension to each other

 me: and u see me as an extension

2:11 PM Jackal Mami: thats how love brings us together

 me: I am already in tears

  how could u

 Jackal Mami: forget the MCP and think it from love

  arrey

  dont you see me as your extension???

2:12 PM me: I see u as my soul

  as my prana

 Jackal Mami: ok

 me: as my destination

 Jackal Mami: so you are for me

 me: as my heart

  as my identity

 Jackal Mami: piece of heart :)

 me: while u only see me as extension

 Jackal Mami: isnt it you heart is part of you

  hey ram

  give me a break
 Jackal Mami: aur koi aadesh mere sarkar :)))

  me: only so much for the day.
       more when the occasion arises :) 

This is the woman who said even before we met in Aug, 2007, "Sathya, if you smoke I will drive my car to the tree." or "Hug me, kiss me, feel me even before we met." Some other classics: I will wear stockings on our first night and I will suck your big toe.  Or I have to lose 3 kgs more and then you will have a sexy wife. Even after sharing a cot at Ahmedabad, Bangalore and Kodaikanal, she really kept her options open. Truly liberated woman this; total sexual freedom this. 

20^th February, 2010

Sathya,

SORRY

We met in 2007 to explore the possibilty if we can marry and live life together. It was good meeting you then. i was impressed with your wrtings and was moved by the problems that you were facing. I too was going through my own problems: Old parents,their illness,  change of rental houses every year and switch over of the job. 

We tried to build something together. I introduced you to my parents as well since it was intended to. But over a period of time we both realized that this relation was not working. Frequent fights on phone, your frequent , aggressive mails were evident and created doubts in my mind.I could not cope with it.  I was also not in a postion till the middle of 2008 to come over due to all the problems that I was facing. Only thing I begged at that time  was some patience and support from your side. But things went too far off.   The kind of troubled life that I led so far, and the kind of responsibilities I have, I could not afford to take any such intiative that later on will prevent me from fulfilling my resposibilities. After that I also did not feel like coming there.

I made a mistake not to close it then. I should have closed all the talks and mails, although they were just friendly in nature. I did not realize it would hurt you so much. Your mails and phone calls kept giving me signals that it is over and lets just be friends. Our frequent calls and mails stopped. I would not accept all the blames, and I have my own reasons for the same, but I never  intended to hurt you. People get out of the relationships when they realize it is not working.

Having said all the above, I am really sorry for hurting you so much. I should have closed it in 2008 itself. I apologize. I did not intend to hurt you. Although in recent past, you have been so abusive with all your mails and blogs, I still feel bad that you are hurt becuase of me. Yet, I think i reserve my right to decide  about my life.

Lasly, I am really sorry for not closing this relationship properly as you say that I should have come to Chennai, apologize, and give a decent closure. I am sorry I could not do that.  Please accept my apologies. Thanks.

This is my last mail to you. Hope peace and deceny will prevail.

As suggested by you, I will send your book back to you and will destroy all the mails, letters etc. Apologies again.

May god bless you to do well in your wrting career and betow upon you every thing that you desire. 

All the best!

Jackal Mami

My reply:

Accepted; at last!!!! I took more than 6 months for it.

Justifying a crime is even more getting entrenched.

Each mind works differently; but there are some basics. One does not fall in love and then fall out for no reason. That's a point and that's where the word "whore" has its origin.

Again I don't want to examine the past; but your behaviour by even western standards were appalling. If a woman shifting houses gets so paranoid, what about a man who has lost his job then? If this relation failed it was ur disinclination to learn another language and another cuisine. Sure, this attitude will still be persistent with another man!!!!! Please learn and make your husband happy. 

My blogs and my mails are always factual; please understand that you are no Sita or Savitri. You are a proud arrogant woman earning 1 lac a month who demands her pound of flesh. Relations in 2010 will conk; but there must be a reason.

I am glad that I would not have had to suffer you; you will keep fighting and my writing would have suffered. But then the Pushpa of 2007 was simply out of the world. Then you wanted to build, you listened to me with respect. I loved that woman greatly and even of the memory of it today. So when you want to listen and be respectful, you will. I must learn that art for I too idealistic and uniform.

Mrs. PW, you must check the workings of your mind. Suddenly, non-issues can spoil a relation so easily means that you are still vulnerable. We build a mountain of love -just 7 days we met and what camaraderie - and you SUNK it because of a few mails n calls. How silly? A simple common sense would have been to address those. The fights happened because you kept pushing off the wedding, UNILATERALLY. (That begs the question: you don't seem to believe in consultations)

I believe a normal woman is not so sensitive, a normal woman will not give up those memories so easily. I am absolutely sure of it. 

It is all over; I hope this mail makes you reflect. And you will behave better after this chastisement with your husband. No more primma donna stuff; be humble; and add love and affection in every transaction.

All the best!!!! (you will hear never again from me!!!!) 

Sathyanarayanan

PS: I will never forget the Pushpa of 2007 till I die; she was truly an angel. I thank you sincerely for those memories. You are a great woman generally; but you failed here badly. The kingdom of heaven was within us and then we said; we will go to hell on separate horses. I am sure when you die, you will think about me. And of course, I will think about you!!!

My only advice as an ex-friend is do some expiation; serve in a gurudwara or wherever. Your blunder is no less than hijacking a plane or robbing a bank; to split a relation is great sin. Hopefully I will also learn to be happy with or without a wife; with or without writing fame. I wish you, bless you, and take care. Mistakes are human and maybe, it was meant to end like this. If this was a story I was working on; it still is a stinking end. 

Vivek’ s take (23^rd November, 2010)

Dear Sathya,

Whjle I empathize with your predicament and your sense of betrayal, at the back of my mind I am glad that this did not progress further as there is a vast chasm between your and PWs mental and moral philosophy. If things had progresses further I wonder if it would have lasted. You are over sensitive, spiritual and a one woman kind of person while she appears to be highly strung, aggressive and over ambitious. All individuals are different ( God makes us that way to prevent monotony in life) Some are compatible, some are not. I am also sure that when you guys were together it must have been magical. Anyway, the past is dead and gone and you have to move on. Now that she has apologised and also has chosen a new life of herself let it be. Cherish the good memories and dump the bitter ones. I know it sounds clichéd but it is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. Tell me honestly, if I give you a time machine and send you back to 2007 with the knowledge that it is going to end like that would you go in for PW again? I think you would. I wish that you and PW had lived happily ever after but then it is not a perfect world and the only thing to do is say now what instead of why me!

My take (2018 especially after the MINDFULNESS lessons)

Had I known that the woman I was dating in Aug, 2007 is a flirt and it would end like this, I would not have flown to Ahmedabad to meet her in the first place. Had I known about this in Kodaikanal in October, 2007 I would have most certainly pushed the hot pussy down the rocks. And in October, 2009 had she been in the same city, I would choked her to death with my bare hands regardless of a stint in a jail. I have known Balakanth and a blood of such a cunt on my hands is no crime at all.  She killed me by inches and so I would have forced the issue by breaking her neck. She escaped from being in a different city. So would I have dated and partied and shared a bed with a woman knowing that she would do the same with another man after me, I dare say NO. 
            LOVE is a one-time emotion in one's life and pity is, I wasted it on a two pence piece of meat. 

Get up and pick up the pieces

#105 post: On 30^th July I simply knew without a shadow of doubt that I was defrauded. 

Uma Gayathri spun a huge monster of a tale and I lost over a lac. I felt no shame losing this money to a con-genius. At every stage she was ahead of the game. I met the Deputy Commissioner on 1^st August for a formal complaint. He was so young and so energetic that it felt reassuring though Ramesh said, “Consider this as Perumal koil hundi” and Srinivasan said, “Treat it as a learning curve, you had to pay for your stupidity.” As for me, I never moaned the loss even for a second.

            As the days advanced, I did feel the loss of Dubai images- clean roads, everything structured, tall skyscrapers, shopper’s paradise, decent interactions but it is a closed society and one is ever vigilant and fearful that you could commit a crime or trespass some law. UAE is a law abiding country; you can throw your wallet on the roads and it will find its way back to you. Zero per cent crime, good honest hardworking class, money and riches at every corner of the eyes but it still is not your country. Whatever views you have on religion, nationality, politics; you shove it in your mouth and not air it out.  Losing UAE dream is nothing compared to losing the romantic dreams in 2009; that took me couple of years to recover.

            My next career move is most likely Gurgaon. Let’s see how the rest of the year shapes up. I feel the NCR region would have better things for me than the dead man’s city, Chennai. Hope and prayers; lots of humility for I have a debt to service and it is a mountain to climb kind of a situation.

            There was a good lesson I learnt first-hand last week. I wrote to Deepak saying, “50 is not the age to start in a new city. Even at Chennai, I would prefer half day’s work. I don’t know how I am going to manage a Gurgaon or Mumbai with arthritis knees and loneliness that comes to an abandoned man.”

            He was brilliant to allay my fears saying, “Gurgaon is international, cosmopolitan and you will get everything including a lot of Tamil community thrown in. Don’t worry and I am sure you will fit in.”  Very few people on earth have this divine quality of quelling someone’s real fears; the worst of us are more familiar in triggering panic attacks.

            I was telling TH Iyer mama, “If I get that Mumbai job offer then I am afraid it will be back to the grind of cheap quarters and long travel in crowded suburbans. I don’t know whether my health can stand up to daily living. At least I know the odds in Besant nagar and I live within my means.”  He was reassuring, “That company is huge and influential in Mumbai and they will help you in finding your quarters.”

            This is a lesson worth cultivation. When someone is scared, a simple reassuring and kind word is just what the doctor ordered. This is sign of culture and good upbringing. Truly to encourage doubting thomases, it is a singular gift I got to observe and learn from Deepak and TH Iyer mama.

            On Saturday I paid a condolence visit to Venkitakrishnan mama’s place and I felt very glad that I did so. I met all the five sons and the fourth son said, “I loved your blogs on my father.” The third son said, “I read line by line of your blogs to my mother and your words gave us a lot of solace.” They gave me a picture postcard of mama with a gold coin and a fantastic filter coffee. This is an incredible family where the sons earned money and gave it to the mother for a common pool. That family is so united and stay together that I thought: in my next birth I wish to be born to such a close-knit and a large family where one is never short of uncles or aunts or cousins and nephews and nieces.” In a cruel world it makes all the more sense for at least the families of siblings to know and relate to each other.

            Yesterday I visited Viji’s place as she turns 56 today. That she has managed mother for over a decade is strength and endurance of a marathon runner. As for me, Dubai collapsed and Gurgaon opens the door. It is time I made it count. I did the enneagram test and I am a type 5 personality. Reading the notes of this type got my pulse racing as it said: observant, curious, inertia for action, loner which is a self-description. So I must read these notes and improve myself by being heedless (I think too much that I wait for problems to solve in the head more often) and get in a bit of an adventurous streak. Let me go to unknown territories and expand my horizon than chewing the cud all the time. This is the first week of losing a dream and starting another and I am glad the mind made all those adjustments on its own. I am great, you know!!!!! I was so happy that Gopalan my third student of the communication classes called from London to enquire of my welfare. I surprise myself all the time. 

I am a bloody fool

This Dubai hopes and dreams bite the dust. I took two months and Rs.1,00,150/- to realize that I was taken for a ride. Though the entire process looked fishy from the start, I did not have the strength or smartness of mind to see through the lies and falsehoods. TH Iyer mama says it best, “You were already clutching at straws and this swamps and drowns you over.”

            Okay, where did I go wrong? There was a very stupid FB contact Paarvathy Rajeev who would comment on my posts. I never got friendlier with the female who portrayed herself as a big disciple of Swami Dayananda. It seemed that this female must have crossed my path in AIM FOR SEVA but one is never sure for the mind loses it edge when it comes to names and faces as my clock hits a 50. She vibrated badly in the sense I felt being pursued. There was a certain awkwardness; I had a vague feeling of someone who had fallen for me. Now I am very clear: I learn my lessons well and pUsHpA was my last internet romance. That experience taught that whatever views one forms of people on an online medium just does not hold water in the sunshine of reality. Besides I am in no mood for romance as I was fast losing my shirt with my earnings behave as a stubborn tap that no amount of coaxing would get it to spout water.

            Those days I was lamenting the loss of a job prospect in BANGALORE. That felt a sure thing after an extensive telephonic interview. On 11th May I went down to Whitefield for further round of interviews with the COO and CEO. Everything about Mindlogicx felt right including the salary range of 10-12 lacs per annum. Around 24^th May I get a regret letter from them wishing me the best in future endeavours though I am very talented kinds.

            The next day I get a FB message from Paarvathy that read: I have a sister in Dubai who is a recruitment consultant. Pay 100 dirhams for registration and within a month you’ll get placed in a big company.

            Now what is Rs.1850/- when compared to the enormity of my unemployed days? I transfer that money to Uma Gayatri the very next day and forget about the whole thing. The next week I get a mail from Uma saying: I have arranged interviews at Al Futtaim and Bab Al Shams. Come to Dubai immediately.

            It is the first week of June and my mind goes feverish exploring the world of VISAs and air tickets for I am told that that I will be flying for these interviews at my own costs. The lady gratuitously offered a free stay saying, “You can stay with us for couple of days,” and I thought: My god, friends for life. And all my good karma at work!!!! Those were the days of EID and finally on 20^th June, Uma writes: The CEO of Al Futtaim is gone for Eid holidays but their HR department went through all your weblinks on the resume and have made a job offer.  A three months contract extendable to another 3 or 6 months based on their needs and suitability and 10,000 dirhams for a monthly compensation. I wanted to negotiate to 12,000 AED but friends like Mani Sir and Shyam advised caution, “Sathya, go along with this offer. Get a toehold in Dubai and it will drastically improve your job profile.” Uma also counselled, “ Sathya, I advise you to take it up for once you are in Dubai, you are free to explore other writing or soft skill options and I will help you source them.” Uma asked me to pay 500 dirhams for processing of work permit and I was too happy and much too eager to transfer Rs. 9,300 the next day. I just couldn’t believe my luck. Even at ADLINE no one interviewed me on the phone instead made a job offer that I thought that this was normal: the company issues a VISIT VISA for two months. The company gets the see the new recruit for it to make its mind on conferring a work permit or not. Frankly not speaking to anyone in Al Futtaim did not cause any doubt in me.

            Then on 27^th June (20^th anniversary of my heart surgery) I get this devastating news: There is an immigration ban on me and that I had the option of revoking it by paying 3320 AED through a court process. It is here I made a first error of judgement. Rs. 60,000 is a lot of money especially for one who is living out of a personal loan. Ideally I should have asked for more papers like a letter that stated that I had a UAE ban or I should have asked Uma’s mobile number and spoken to her. By now I was interacting with her through emails for a month; I had asked her mobile number couple of times but those requests were stonewalled. I was foolish beyond belief as I liquidated the last one lac from a fixed deposit account and rushed to transfer the money.

            There were creeping of doubts as I was asked to transfer Rs. 9,300 to her personal Canara bank account for the work permit on 20th June. Now another Rs. 60.100 went into the said account a week later as court charges. No company works like that as Uma presented herself as an employee of Horizon Consulting. Uma seemed a super smart recruitment consultant and her language skills on the emails were impeccable. Not one grammatical misconstruction; straight to the point and transactional just as you would expect from a recruitment consultant. I paid 60 k with the knowledge that the court verdict could go either way but since I had nothing at Chennai, I played along.

            I was almost communicating with Uma on emails every couple of days but as July dawned I found the process go slack. I thought: maybe delays in court process. On 14^th July, I get a message: Mabrook! Congratulations. The court verdict is in your favour but there is a fine of 2050 AED.

            I connect with Deepak Mehra in the meanwhile and he really was a sober voice in this episode. He said, “Sathya, I will meet this Uma and check the court documents and I will pay out of my pocket. You can reimburse when you are in Dubai and working.”  This was a huge burden off my shoulders before Uma wrote back saying, “I will not interact with Deepak Mehra. You have to trust me otherwise the whole thing is off.”  I write to her saying, “Please show me the Al Futtaim offer letter and the court documents and then I shall pay the court fines.”

            Uma sent me the Al Futtaim offer letter that looked genuine though the HR manager who issued the letter was not on Linkedin as I ran a check. I transferred 30 k saying that the balance 9 k I will pay in person. My almost daily interactions with Uma over emails, she came across as a no-nonsense super-smart recruitment consultant.

            After I pay this money I feel that I am almost in Dubai. My last 9 to 5 job was Adline in Abu Dhabi and that was four years back. Since then I fell off the cliff as I suffered a two years depression before I discovered MINDFULNESS that got me off the anti-depressants and moodswings tablets. So this job offer in UAE looked a divine grace and just what the doctor ordered. I resolve myself and as I do the math: 6 months of Al Futtaim, I break even on HDFC loans.  One year and I begin to FLOAT. Two years in Al Futtaim, it is a RECOVERY. Four years on and I should have 50 lacs in savings and a car; maybe even a woman would find me attractive at those numbers. But I don’t go overdrive as I refuse to buy things for this new Dubai job instead feeling “let the Visa and ticket come in and then I will make all the silly purchases which will not take more than a couple of days.” Only cancelling the BSNL landline would take time, rest is just across the counter purchases for new jocks and briefs and some eatables like muruppudi and pickles kind.

            I go to Nagpur for 3 days Vipassana hoping that the Visa and air ticket would be in Gmail. I find no such thing as we break our silence and our smartphones returned on 26^th July and instinctively I knew it was all a sham and I was easy goat to a massive fraud.

            Frankly I did not have any offer in Chennai. The last 13 months were bone dry. I tried my hand at Soft skill training that I fell in love but it had no takers even as I marketed: I will do this program for FREE and if you find it WORKING then you can engage me. It is here a city like CHENNAI feels a graveyard. It does not have entrepreneur spirit that even a Bangalore has in plenty.

            It feels like death for this is the end of a Dubai dream and more than that those mental calculations of reaching a shore of financial safety. I would steel myself with the thought that “The FIFA world cup is over and I will have to be at Al Futtaim till the next edition at Qatar and I have a very good chance the see the games in person for a bucketlist goal.” Now I am left talking to Real estate brokers for selling this flat (always a sick feeling knowing that you have been a complete and consummate failure in life as to sell your dad’s property to survive) and filing a police complaint in cybercrimes.

            There were three other prior instances in life where I played the complete jerk. In 2004 I ventured into a WINE BAR business where I lost 50 k even before the show got started. In 2009 pUsHpA walked out of a relation which I felt was a poor reflection of me. Last year, a movie director, touched me for Rs. 4,500 on false promises to getting my smartphone repaired and Adidas shoes at throwaway prices. But losing Rs.1,00,150/- on this misadventure hurts the most. Now I don’t think I have the mental energy to get up and start looking for other job opportunities. I SELL this thing and fill my life with VIPASSANA and wait for Yama to come and relieve me of this burdensome life. Too poor of people and money, too abandoned and lonely it feels like death would be a blessing at these times. Truly licked and final nail in my career coffin.

Movie climax suspense

#102

My unemployment shows no sign of abating.  Mindlogics at Bangalore in May felt tantalizing close. SRMC on 28/6 felt like death as they made me wait for 5 hours for the interview and upon seeing my resume said, “We are looking for someone from Elsevier for medical writing.”

            The entire June was spent in DUBAI MOONLIGHTING. Uma of Horizon arranged interviews at Al Futtaim and Bab Al Shams in the first week. I was supposed to fly in, meet these folks and hoping one of these two clicks. Then came the EID holidays before Al Futtaim made an offer: 10,000 AED and office accommodation for a three months’ work permit.

            Given the penurious circumstances of the last 12 months – my last drawn pay was 20 k at Abhiyan and that came to an end in July kinds – I felt reasonably satisfied. This is the exactly ADLINE terms and my heart wished and prayed for a 15 K AED and accommodation. Both Shyam and Mani Sir advised me not to negotiate, instead agree straightaway.

            I paid the 500 AED fees for the work permit and then came the news of a UAE ban which can be revoked by Adline or Al Futtaim or by myself by going through a court process. So another Rs. 60,000 goes into this and I have reached the very bottom end of my savings. If Dubai does not fructify then I HAVE TO SELL this place by July end and that is the extent of my bankruptcy. The five lac loan in December was perfect but I hardly earned a thing after except for Smita’s 52 k.

            I heard the news of this ban on 27/6 the twentieth anniversary of my heart surgery. I immediately unwrapped the Subha Drishti Ganapathy that Ramji had presented and offered prayers.  Then on 28/6 when I was at SRMC this news of court procedures was told to me and I paid up 60 k after prematurely closing the 1 lac FD.  This now looks a movie climax and could go either way. Uma Gayathri has been a real blessing as she goes out of the way to bail me out. I am reduced to chanting Om Shrim Hrim Klim Glaum Gao….

            I read Deepak Mehra’s Ready, Steady, Go and it is a gold mine. I realized that pUsHpA said the same thing in a succinct form.  I have been guilty of violating so many office norms at Adline that should avoid anywhere:

a)     First no personal work during office hours

b)     No to music and social media during the 9 to 5

c)      The boss is always right. Never give a negative feedback even when asked

d)     No arguments, no debates in the office space

e)     Don’t gossip about others; nor rush to fill your personal stories to others (I don’t need to explain why I am a bachelor to others even when coerced to answer. Definitely don’t go to town on the BIG BAD FOUR)

f)       Always dress to work; a big NO to sneakers

g)     Close Damienbosses and Dauntlesssathya immediately

h)     An office is no place for emotions

i)       Don’t judge instead serve unconditionally

j)       Always SMILE and show COURTESIS with greetings.

k)     Never speak excitedly on any topic at work

l)       Respect colleagues even if they are barbaric from the Stone ages.

m)   Be careful of what you put on Facebook and blogs

I start the day with LAUGHTER YOGA at the beach; thanks to Chitra and company. There is a   VP Singh who brings a lot of boisterous laughter and Chitra observes, “You laughter is artificial.”

      I am still prone to a lot of nightmares. That sense of insecurity and extreme vulnerability shows itself at slumber time. Then there is this DOG NUISANCE and now this fool of a Kalpagam must have fed something on the first floor. Now the dog feels emboldened to sleep just outside my door; a promotion from the staircase.  This dog is very determined and keeps coming back despite throwing mug fulls of water many times a day. For tenacity this dog offers a perfect lesson; like that Bangladeshi peon serving coffee at Adline on pleasing.

      Satish the actor served another lesson couple of days back, “You fool, you don’t have to go about town telling your sob stories. If your mother killed your father; then my mother eloped with a cousin ten years younger upon my dad’s death in an accident. The entire society would call us BASTARDS. Even the captain’s girlfriend ditched him during the college days and he has had three bypass surgeries after that.”  Another friendly face is Bharat who graciously gave a fake employee letter for VISA purposes; Gopalan is another friendly face.

      When I heard the UAE ban I mentally wrote this thing off. I burnt a couple of smokes and booked for Dhamma Seva at Kolhapur centre and even booked the tickets. Only the next day, Uma came with this procedure of revoking it myself.

      I do speak to Viji and predictably does not give any peace or comfort even through words. When I told her that I must buy Uma a gift if this ban is revoked and I get to catch the flight, Viji said, “Show it through your hard work.” I instantly retorted, “First you don’t seem to understand from reality even if the events are played right before your eyes. You live your life from an obsolete book that neither serves you or others.” She also has this irritating habit of SHUTTING OUT OTHER”S MOUTH when she spots the thinnest criticism in the air. Even Latha has this affliction and it gets impossible to converse with such hyper-sensitive and closed minds. Though Viji speaks like Vashishta, a trait inherited from Paati and Athai, she is just as much a fool as Amma and Latha.  This is a tribal and non-serving and negative conditioning of the mind where she sees everything as We versus THEM and that she is the sole protector of her interests kinds. Silly.

      As for me, my fate will be known today and tomorrow kinds.  I give it a 95% odds on favourite but then I got MINDLOGICS wrong too.  Mani Sir has been the most reliable of friends in these times; I also get a lot of solace talking to Shyam and Ramesh.

The ex-PW club

#101st POST:

I wrote this story almost a decade back. This is one of the 30 stories I wrote that felt intuitively a movie script. I tried marketing it on Twitter by writing to Tamil and Hindi movie production houses but nothing transpired. I showed it a half a dozen friends and they also felt: This looks a movie script.

           “The ex-PW club” is a story of a model who is a born survivor and reaches the pinnacle of glamour world through grit and smart networking. I based this story from pUsHpA my sole date in life so far – this model Pushpa (the fictional one) had four lovers and this I conjured from my own Sindhi tryst. Bits and pieces of her past lovers and oodles of imagination and this story felt tailored to a cine screen. But I never had the energy to chase any director or production houses. Last month I sent this tale to my IMT friends on Facebook:  Smita, Anu, Deepak, Ashish, Lakina and Darbari.

            Smita is turning out to be a great friend. Now back in London she called and she got my life tale out of me. I spoke to her twice in the last fortnight and these felt more affectionate than I ever had with my own two sisters. She knows how to connect, something we all saw even at IMT, Ghaziabad during the 1990-92 days.

            Darbari is in Los Angeles and he writes: Sathya, this is a professional work and I am sure you will hit the headlines big in a while. But the best value I got was from Deepak  who is  a banker in Dubai.

Dear Sathya,

Loved reading the story. It is fast, racy and gripping. Four episodes of Pushpa’s life.

Frankly, both the climaxes do not do justice to this lively and entertaining narration. I would possibly take a cue from what you have mentioned in the last line; about the doctor. Maybe, the climax can be about a secret that Yadeesh is hiding from his wife all this time – about his affair with Pushpa. But even this fifth episode of Pushpa’s life would not be unexpected. Climax should have a twist in the tale – somehow!!

Best regards,

Deepak Mehra

One thing led to the other as I explained that the third character in the story, “Surya” was me and Deepak wrote a great mail which I immediately saved it in a special folder so as to preserve it. 

Dear Sathya,

Let us be clear, you want a wife not a high-maintenance girlfriend. Please define this as your goal.

I just hope you get a simple, homely Tamil girl who is culturally and socially compatible with you, who will look after you, make your home, raise your children and be a good wife. She will look up to you and respect you for your wisdom and kind heart. You will never have to prove yourself in front of her, you will not have to bother about how you look, what you wear or what you do. You will not be smitten by her beauty at first but over time you will fall in love with her beautiful heart.

If I were in Chennai I would have gone asking all elders in my social circle and would have found a wife like this for you. There will be so many good girls like this in Chennai.

As your friend, who feels that you deserve the best in life, I have to say that the core issue is that if you don’t know what you are looking for, you are unlikely to find.

Happy to hear your views on this.

Best regards,

Deepak Mehra

I replied and it came almost as a flow:

Deepakji, you are truly great.

Yeah, I never articulated with that much clarity on a woman. 

LOVE is so difficult to predict. In my life, I felt drawn and attracted to many but anything with a staying power were only KIRTI, who was my classmate during graduation (for one of the hottest infatuation known to man!!! I did not even introduce myself to her though we were only 8-9 students in the class). Then Madhulika Vajpayee when I was 34 and Pushpa when I was 38. Both M and P were women I was drawn into by their writing. In fact with Pushpa, we were exchanging "I love you's" even without a photograph being exchanged (just reading and talking on the phones led us to that point).

I still remember praying at a Besant Nagar temple, “God, let Pushpa be beautiful,” on the day when our photos were exchanged." 

I really think every man and every woman is LOOKING for UNDERSTANDING in a relation. Words that bind and soothe. Seriously caste and language are secondary. 

Pushpa was very brave to LOVE me and then almost put a seal as it were. Look, I was 38; just starting at TOI, my salary was 50 k while she was twice that. Mine was very, very short careers (I would average less than 5 months of work each year) while she was climbing up the ranks. She had built a house, owned cars and a manager for over a decade. But where she failed was SHE INSISTED ON THAT BARE MINIMUM of a TOI job. Once that went off, it made no difference to me for I was OBSESSED WITH WRITING and never to a job. So my inference of her was: Brave enough to explore a romance with a writer, chickened out at the last minute.She failed as a LOVER in 2008, failed as a FRIEND in 2009 and failed as a HUMAN BEING ever since. 

I loved your definition of a wife; companion with a great heart where love grows by the day. I also loved the part of not bothering about how much I make as earnings or what dress I wear. This is really amazing even for a concept. Certainly, there is no need for a high maintenance girlfriend (I loved this part). 

You are right. How would I imagine a future wife for me? YOUR DESCRIPTION IS BEAUTIFUL and if there is one editing I would do, I would remove the word TAMIL from that. You want a UNDERSTANDING person and she can be from anywhere even if her past were like Vivian in PRETTY WOMAN. 

I also learnt so many things from Pushpa's encounter: WE LOVE A WOMAN ONLY AS LONG AS SHE LOVES US. Once that love is removed then the entire edifice falls down. My mistake in this relation was:

- I should have WALKED OUT the moment she refused to learn a smattering of Tamil and show any interest in my cuisine

- I should have walked out every time she kept postponing the wedding.

- Certainly I should have walked out when she converted a love and romance thing to a friendship.

Next time I will never give such a long rope to a woman if I am caught in the vortex of romance. 

We are just tennis balls to be played by gods in areas like a lover or a spouse, one's job and earnings and also one's children. These are things which no one can fix; they are given to you by nature. 

Love between a man and a woman is the grandest emotion on earth. It even beats the mother and child relation. And if anyone were to trivialize this emotion, then the society gets corrupted. This was also Pushpa's error. My most charitable explanation is that she lost that innocence after her first break up. 

I certainly would like to love a woman if only to erase this scar. It is also important to die in the arms or company of a loved one. Being alone or living alone is really not the way nature intended of a man or a woman. I think romance or marriage is about one long conversation where you would love to talk and love to listen. This is just one parameter that I will abide by when I fall again. 

Deepak, thank you so much for your friendship. No one ever said, "Sathya, I will search a woman for you so far." I will try my best to meet you next week in Dubai. I get the dates tomorrow and then the process of Visa and tickets start straightaway. I would love that interview to click. But in my heart, I feel no sense of anticipation or excitement. I really was thrilled on the Bangalore thing; it almost was a sealed thing. That job was managerial in terms of supervising others; that rejection did hurt me a while. 

As I keep saying: Career and earnings as also love and romance is God's territory and largess. I love this definition: any person who gives you understanding and unconditional love is GOD and anywhere you find them is HEAVEN. So a good marriage is like meeting one's god and one's home can be heaven. Every being looks for God to love and a heaven to reside. 

Regards
Sathya

A turn of the tide???

As a writer one is a sucker for idioms.  But this week seems special, feels special, and maybe ends up with lasting gains. At times like these, it feels like all the cards are falling in place and prayfully someone else does not put down the RUMMY.

            But then there is this old age maturity that values prudence over sudden bursts of good fortune accruing to long standing gains. Don’t count the chickens before they are hatched is a call for patience; which is more in tune to anyone approaching 50 on the scale and who has had my kind of turbulent life.

            Let me address the dead past for there is a belief that once you CORRECT the past the future automatically is course corrected. My mother PARVATHI is 78 with one foot on the grave. She did as much damage as an asura can do in life. I have a natural forgiving nature and “wipe the slate clean” mentality. I still feel helpless that I cannot do a thing to drill any sense into this woman. But I have learnt this lesson: Forgive her but don’t transact. In fact I don’t even look at her face while speaking; avoid as much as possible.

            pUsHpa is exactly similar. Even to store the images of the PAST in a better light is not possible; she is too egoistic and high-handed.  Here again my attitude is IF MY MOTHER and this SINDHI are trapped in a burning house and none to rescue, they will roast to death and I will not lift a little finger. Of all the worst things DESTINY has in store for me in this life and beyond, I feel an enormous relief that I have gone past these two stodgy irascible characters. There were the scums of humanity, the very pits, and so any other character coming into my life will be more a cakewalk than a trial by fire. These two are bank accounts that's closed; no point either depositing or withdrawing from non-existent obsolete account.  

            On 23^rd May, I learnt that the interview at MINDLOGICX came a cropper. This

felt a hard smack on the head. This was my first interview in four years; they ran the entire sequence from shortlisting, telephonic interview to a personal interview at Bangalore where I met the VP and Managing Director. I felt the bird was in the bag and so this came as a bit of a shock.

            Then on 24^th May things started to change. It is one of my special days in a long long long time.

            At 7:30 am Smita Narayan from my IMT days of 1990-92 called on my landline. She said, “I like your writing. I want you to edit my book. So as a hiring fee, I am transferring 50 k today.” She fixed a price far too high and paid the money – something I have not seen in the last 12 years since I turned a professional writer. This brought a lot of colour to the face, energy to the heart, felt that the universe had not entirely abandoned me. Smita also added, “There is a demand for good writers. I will speak to my celebrity friends and also ex-IMT people and see how best I can help you.”

            At 11;00 on the same day Arunanjali called; again a IMT alumnus. We passed out in 1992 and almost every one of them is a VP is a MNC bank or a Airtel or a Samsung while I never got started as a marketing fellow. I followed my heart and passion settling for a penurious peddler of words in a graveyard Chennai of a market. No cribs as long as I earned enough to bring food to the table; my aspirations never rose higher than this since my birth in 1969.

            Anu spoke from Hong Kong and she was like, “Smita was talking about you. I run a soft skill company both in Chennai and HK and maybe we can involve you. Meet my person there and we will take it from there.”

            I felt in seventh heaven. Two of my batchmate from the remotest past of 1992 called me up and said, “We have some faith in you and we will help you tide over in your hunt for a gainful occupation and earning part bit.” There is something readily resonating part in us when people from past come into the present bearing fruits and you are in need of them with the urgency of a next meal. As my Dhamma friend Mani Sir said the next day, “This is last ball six in a IPL match to win.”

            These two calls got me gloating and thinking: maybe I am not all that bad. There are unknown virtues and skills within me when I ran into TV Ramprasad the famous singer at Vishranti over a tiffin. He was the one who sent me to Abu Dhabi; and I avoided his face for a good couple years after the rough weather I experienced there from a devil called Mohan Natesan. TVR said, “Sathya, I am on the look-out for a soft skill trainer at Mahindra School. Would you be interested? Say 3 days a week and how about 25k?” I said, “I have not earned such monies in a couple of years and so will be glad. Thanks man, this news helps me save my M-90 for 2018.”

            Three good news in one single day is not something I have had since my father and mother copulated in the dinghy rooms at TSV koil Street in Mylapore in 1968. More was to come the next day. Paarvathy Rajiv is one of those FB friends and she seemed to have read my last post: the answer is SURRENDER. She wrote to me: my sister is in Dubai and is a recruiter. If you are interested in a career in Dubai, kindly register with her and she will find a job for you within a month. There is a small registration fee; but what the hell if it gives you some confidence and hope. I jumped at the offer and started daydreaming shaking hands with the Arabs after that conversation.

            The point of this post is this: it takes very little for darkness to go away. You could be trapped in a dungeon for a decade but it takes a little flame to light and awash your mind with light and hope.

            As a prudent man, everything can be washed away in a second. Smita may cancel her order in which case I have to return the money; nothing may transpire from Anu’s soft skill training, Ramprasad may not make a formal offer on the Mahindra School, and the Dubai thing may fizzle out. But for the moment, I dance with joy. I get to meet people who care for me and wish me to succeed. Maybe some prayers will come true; just maybe even my stubborn fate may see a resurrection.