Before I forget, as an aside: I
filed my IT returns thanks to my auditor Manimaran. He was resourceful and gave me total
satisfaction with his concept of “fair market value in 2001” rather than the “guideline
value in 2001”. That way my capital gains were next to nothing and so this is
one huge worry that resolved itself to a sigh of relief.
I
came from Igapuri on 29th July almost a changed person. First, I
learnt to do the body scan from 10 min to 30 min and suddenly my mind was able
to perceive more subtlety in body sensations. Which means I have been amiss a
long while, a simple change from sitting on the floor to chair got me to go
real slow and efficient. Now I can even stretch myself to a Adhisttan (not
change my sitting posture for an hour). I believe I have grown as a person from
10% to 20% in this week, which is doubling myself quality wise. I came home and
did the blog series on THINKSATHYA, 3-part series aggregating to 4,500 words
within 24 hours which is breakneck speed even to me.
I
am not going to repeat the insights I wrote there here on dauntless. Except add
contents that I could not fit there, like “a virtuous mind must feel sorrow
when it hurts others” as I experienced in the Dhamma hall. I was seated on the
third row, there was one meditator on the fourth row who would be invariably late
for group sittings and each time he went past my back his trouser would scrap
my behind. It happened couple of times and then on the fourth day I turned
around and said, “Ooch” and a stare. We are in the vow of silence and
this is technically breaking it. I felt so sad at my boorishness, the waves of
regret and contrition lasted almost half a day. On the final day, I made it a
point to apologize to him.
That
drove my mind into this area: Each time my mind is going downhill the first
symptoms is it starts beating itself for a self-flagellation ruminating either on my sisters or the
Sindhi. This is watering a dead plant or feeding dead fishes, there is nothing
to be gained except collect misery for a high degree of masochism. I also
thought that I had become shameless; I was taking a malicious pleasure hurting
them with my blogs. For a Vipassana meditator nothing can be more self-damaging.
Buddha would have died of shock if he knew any of his disciples inflicting
hurts and deriving pleasure. This is one territory I resolve to shut shop, the
first thing I did on coming back to Chennai was delete a blog titled “Remembering
Pushpa”.
Another
insight was “I TALK HUGE” and at times almost NON-STOP. There is no excuse to
say “since I hardly get an opportunity to speak, let me not squander any
opportunities.” The truth is “people respect LISTENING and CARING and not an
INTELLIGENT VOCIFEROUS MOUTH.” As Goenka G sums it perfectly: Knowledge always
gives rise to debates and confusion, it is experience that removes doubt.
Intelligence is no more than information available on Google search, wisdom is
LISTENING AND CARING which I must learn some day. Already this realization has gotten me to “speak
haltingly rather than a Rajdhani kind of speed” earlier. We all desire to be
understood but that doesn't give me the right to drill a hole on other people’s heads.
Finally,
this thought kept shouting in my head; The birds and animals work for the day
while my days are filled with IDLENESS. I must engage in an activity, have some
earnings. I will ask some friends, there is a visit to Mumbai in the middle of
AUG where I will request my instructors or anyone who can assist me there. I
have to find an earning source in 2019 or else I cannot afford Besant nagar
with the bourses crashing; my height of optimism now is to recover my capital
which I expect in the festival season. With YES BANK still on life-support I am
staring at a huge loss as of now. I have half a mind to wind up Besant nagar
and take up lodgings near Igatpuri. I like the Mumbai/Maharashtra crowd – they will
not crib admitting me to a critical care on necessity or cremate me when I am
gone something which is highly doubtful in a tambrahm filled Chennai.
My
meditations have improved but there is no letup in my nightmares. In sleep my
mind goes back to school where I am failing in Physics and Chemistry, I see all
my school mates in adult version. Everyone is a success and I am shrinking
myself in shame having nothing to show. All the family desertion, failure in
jobs and romance adds up to failing in exams in nightmare. It is for this
reason alone I want a couple of years in a job, maybe a romance would help too.
But these are things not in my hands.
As
for me I must get the focus back to stock trading; I must get the JUNE discipline
of spending an hour on charts. I must get back to the CONTROLLED trades. I am
still looking for a spark for the engine to start. This 20% is still “FAILED”
status, I need some daily supply of life moments for a pass at 40%. I am trying
as ever, what else can I do differently?
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