COMMENTS

#169

There were 85 comments as entries on DAUNTLESSSATHYA- there are some where I keyed in from Whatsapp and Facebook and these were 2-3 messages pooled in one - and featured here are the ones I treasure. Why compile? It makes you feel good on a rainy day!!!! The first nine featured here are from OBSERVESATHYA while the rest are from this blog DAUNTLESSSATHYA. There are over 700 comments from THINKSATHYA, OBSERVESATHYA, SPIRITUALSATHYA, and WRITERSATHYA and I will tabulate them more as morale boosting exercise. 

ShivajaJune 29, 2008 at 10:21 AM

May you find more things each day to keep you whistling.....after all every thorn filed rose bush has sweet smelling pretty flowers too. Cheers! - Shivaja

Life flows like a river. Even the mightiest dam( read Geisha or Diva or whatever)can stop the flow for only so much time. The water will find other channels and flow in some other direction. Forgiveness is like these channels which help us find new directions and move on with life. on A new mind sans Geisha memories     Ben (1/11/2009)

A.SathyanarayananOctober 21, 2010 at 6:41 PM

I visited his office 10 years after his death. They were still using my father's letters as template (no wonder where I get my writing skill from). The bank manager lamented how the business of the firm has gone down. Even NTR remarked on hearing my father's death," Arunachalam garu was a good man".

Year end quote from our friend Kanchan Bhattacharya ( not necessarily a personal observation on you but about geniuses in general) Life is sad- from heights they fell so much, some into melancholy, some into penury, some just in the clutches of the God of Cirrhosis, or even worse, into the demon, narcotics! Creativity takes its toll... the genius has a fear of never being understood! on 2010 Experiences – reality bites

A.SathyanarayananJanuary 26, 2011 at 9:42 AM

Yesterday, the doctor's son was telling the steward serving coffee," Not in those steel tumblers, we prefer paper cups". I said," These are very special people. Oblige the doctor for he will give you free service if you are ill". The doctor laughed his heart out on a possible free case

tymkynFebruary 8, 2011 at 12:32 PM

Hi satya,

u took me by surprise in getting our yesterday's conversation on to the blog this fast.Satya despite ageing (me not u) u can be rest assured of lighter moments every time you interact with me.

Keep smiling and laugh 2 yr heart's content.Its sure to make you feel younger and realize that life is worth living.

bye dude
sdp

ambrosiaJune 16, 2011 at 2:24 PM

wowow I am inpressed. am reading it again. too many hometruths to take in one go

AnonymousAugust 29, 2011 at 11:14 AM

That's lovely... Orthoptists rarely get any praise these days. The ophthalmologist is usually the one viewed as doing all the hard work.

Venkateswaran1/29/2011 5:20 PM

I just stumbled upon this today, the 29th Jan 2011, after nearly two years of posting by you. For some time I didn't recognise myself in this. Anyway, thanks for all your ++ things said in this.
By the way, you do write very well. It has goven me an appetite to read your book. You promised me a copy but have forgotten about it. Otherwise, please remind me the title and where it is available?
Venkateswaran

A.SathyanarayananOctober 10, 2011 at 7:29 AM

Start again. Start with a calm and quiet mind. Start with an alert and attentive mind. Start with an equanimous and tranquil mind. (Then there would be instructions for the session). Goenka would end by saying: Work patiently and persistently. Work ardently and diligently. (this can be a mantra before starting any task. It is best mental preparation I find).

T.H.Iyer1/31/2014 8:42 AM

A remarkably frank and well worded description of your life in Abu Dhabi. Take things in your stride.

We miss you. Varadan has gone to Pondicherry for few days.

Mami and I send you our love and good wishes.

tymkyn2/27/2014 3:36 PM

For once you have found your happiness Satya. Happy for u. For sure it's going to last several years. God bless.

Ben2/26/2014 5:07 PM

Good to see you back to writing. Be happy and stay blessed.

T.H.Iyer7/27/2014 4:57 AM

Amazing style of reporting. Your self confidence level has increased and you are becoming more and more sober and self erasing.

You will succeed in your endeavours. It will happen exactly when you need it.

Soul Searcher7/27/2014 9:10 AM

Very nice narrative and a very positive way of moving on to whatever adventures life offers next. Look forward to the next episode from Chennai. Good luck and God speed in whatever you do...

Soul Searcher8/03/2014 12:21 AM

Quite a turnaround from your earlier piece.The writing is reflective and poignant. But dark and beautiful Melancholy is back. Whats' up Bro

Soul Searcher9/02/2014 11:15 AM

I was shocked at Robin Williams suicide too. Sometimes one just cannot understand the burdens which bring people down. You need not worry, you have 25 years to complete what you need to. Currently most people are productive till 70. :-)

As Robin would say in Dead Poet's Society "Carpe Diem"

tymkyn6/28/2017 4:25 PM

Heart rending. I wouldn't wish even my bitterrest enemy to experience this living hell. There's always light at the end of the tunnel.I hope and pray you find peace and happiness.As a literary work it's a masterpiece.

Siddhan7/13/2017 8:56 AM

Touching - Mother only as a biological one is not easy to imagine,. She not only give the elements of your body but contribute in the making of he psyche. What you describe makes one feel sad - It should not happen to anyone. But as long as you carry the hurt, it is not her problem but just "YOURS" alone. Throw this behind and walk out of the shadow.

T.H.Iyer7/07/2017 11:58 AM

You have indeed passed through tough times Sathya. Now the light can be seen at the end of the tunnel.

Siddhan7/13/2017 9:01 AM

The heat zone you have traversed could char many. Light at the end of the tunnel is seen by you still as a train coming to mow you down is incorrect - you are getting out of the dreary and dark phases two women tested your times. But movement like Tolle puts it and knowing that you have the treasure of redemption within you. No age and no time is inapt as there is life to be lived to the full - best wishes and love - Siddhans

My precious brother,
I'm deeply moved into tears after reading your post. Believe in the Lord and he will change the MESS in your life to a MESSAGE. You have gone through what many in fairy tales don't. Hang on, brother. I will cheer you even if no one does.  Suloch

A.Sathyanarayanan9/01/2017 5:46 PM

Take care and don't indulge in self-pity. Satya, you are a guy with class and brains - a rare commodity nowadays. SD Prabhakar

A.Sathyanarayanan10/01/2017 1:05 PM

Why do we hold on to a relation that gives pain? We are scared of loneliness and so any relation will serve even if it brings only sorrow to the heart. This post argues against such self-destructive attitudes

Narayanan Subramanian on Whatsapp: Sathya, if you have forgiven then you must forget too. She belongs to your past; you have so much to look forward to in your life. Better watch the road in front than have your sights on a rear view mirror.

A.Sathyanarayanan8/07/2018 11:11 AM

Mani Sir on Whatsapp (6th Aug): Yes you need to get up and pick up the pieces. Dismiss what happened as a bad dream though it cost you a lac. Hope cyber crime chaps nab this Uma Gayathri. You have my best wishes and prayers. Chennai probably did not deserve you and let's hope that Gurgoan benefits.

Ashish Bansal Great to note that you are signing up for soft skill company. Well written again though feel sad after reading what you have gone through and are still facing. Your strength is remarkable and your constant growth in all these adversities is humbling

Nandha12/18/2019 8:39 PM

I'm from Malaysia, planning to visit Kanchi mahaperiyar samadhi for blessings. Hope I get his blessings too 🙏 Thank you for sharing this insight.

Anonymous11/03/2018 9:33 AM

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A.Sathyanarayanan11/23/2018 3:57 PM

I wish to record these two compliments here. Anurag Gupta, my batchmate in another context wrote: These are powerful words spoken by an excellent writer. Not many can match you in your abilities. Another was Lalit Matai's "Sathya, there are lots of people in our batch who care for you. Don't feel lonely." Again in a different context but I want a place to store these and this is as good as any.

A.Sathyanarayanan12/14/2018 5:16 PM

Sathya,

You are on the right track and your greatest achievement in 2018 is to conquer yourself and build sufficient self confidence for achievening a lot in 2019

Lots of love,
T H Iyer

A.Sathyanarayanan12/29/2018 5:27 PM

On whatsapp (28/12)
T H Iyer: Well done Sathya, you are a great compiler

Arunanjali: Great wrap up- let bygones be bygones and start 2019 with zeal and joy! Life is about cause and effect. Everyone makes their own causes and live those effects. We make our own choices and see its manifestation. Good cause makes for good effect. Happy healthy and victorious 2019.

Dhamma Mani Sir: Read your blog on 2018 memories and very much liked the 10 k fine you promise to pay up in case you badmouth the bad 4. I would prefer a caution deposit instead> Should I send my bank account details? :)

Neetu: I am quite perturbed. You talk of FORGIVENESS and not practice at all. Just let it go. I prefer to read your posts on Guruvayur and Madurai which are bereft of this bitterness.

A.Sathyanarayanan12/29/2018 5:32 PM

Dhamma Mani Sir on Whatsapp: Hope this is your last post and this one resolution will surely take you forward. You will move from self-pity to earning the respect and attention and love from others that you yearn for. This is just the negativity that is denying you these gains. Now that you are resolved to shed your negativity, you will see a positive difference in your life. I pray 2019 will usher in happiness, peace and harmony. Concentrate on your writings positively and money and honour will follow. Good luck

Sailesh2/05/2019 8:51 PM

Glad to see a positive beginning in 2019 in your new home and may the happiness and good cheer continue.

Sanskrati4/03/2019 5:46 PM

Very informative post really appreciated your efforts. Also do visit.
Mcx tips

Shivaja6/02/2019 5:14 PM

Reading through felt like listening to you talk. And this friend of yours..Ranga, he has put the points aptly. Never thought of it that way. Yes if you had recorded would have illuminated the world, but then you have conveyed the gist of it and I liked it.

Ashish Bansal on Whatsapp (30/6): So well written. Your personal progress, your happiness quotient just keeps through. Your description of Chennai rains is fantastic - so relatable, so human. And finally tieing the laces with PUMA acquisitions. Feel very happy for you, my friend.

Shivaja: ...ur writing is effortless and natural. We the readers feel part of your life as we read.

giridharan7/08/2019 9:54 AM

I would suggest better try to travel somewhere until your mind says to stop. Then experience the climate and culture. And then comeback to home.

Ashish Bansal: Saying it again "very human" "very real" and it egged me to read on. It was humbling to know that our call meant so much to you. You are a wonderful person and "very human". Cheers to your lovely writing. Carry on.

Dhamma Mani Sir: Vipassana will give the mind the protective coating needed to prevent it from going to rust and ruin.

A.Sathyanarayanan11/08/2019 8:43 AM

Ashish Bansal on Whatsapp: Wonderfully written. Even through the roller-coaster of thoughts, I sense your mindfulness which is great achievement. You are aware of what is going inside and outside, despite the busyness that you have not experienced in a long while. I thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

RV Rajan: Excellent post. All the best in your new home. God bless!

Unknown12/02/2019 9:41 AM

Very nice post. Congratulations. May the Almighty bless you to complete registration of Green Park as scheduled.

Gopalan

RVRajan-Celebrating Life2/09/2020 9:05 AM

Sathya- I learnt very early in life that love, affection & respect have to be commanded & not demanded. I am delighted to learn about the initiative from your mother & sister. Reciprocate it with all sincereity. You will be a happy man. Remember the age old Tamil saying- Kutram parkil chutram illai. God bless.

A.Sathyanarayanan4/13/2020 8:50 PM

Dhamma Mani Sir on Whatsapp (13/4): Glad to note that you have begun to love and repose trust in yourself. Everything has a time and I reckon yours will come sooner than later. Take fresh guard and be on the mark, get set and go....

Shivaja4/14/2020 1:27 PM

Musings Sathya style. Original always

Just understanding self

#168

Understanding oneself is writing a cheque to oneself where you write boldly SELF in capital letters!!! 

            These are the best days in a long while, never has my mind reached such peaks of clarity and conviction. I used to do Vipassana sitting from the cot and they got me nowhere. Last week I chose the other bedroom, and now the sittings have gotten such a fillip that I look forward to them: two hours a day. It gotten a fresh lease of energy and relaxation for the mind. I feel blessed with my chosen path for a spiritual journey – from a born Brahmin now I am totally in the Buddha way of life where there is no space for personal gods except a lot of efforts in these Vipassana sittings.

            2020 is special for me for this reason: CLARITY. The world outside is bewitching but it stores no care and bonding. My one word description for the world is pUsHpA – she was bewitching with her guiles but no good either in the short run or long. It is selfish and self-centered to the extreme and so you will not grudge me this pUsHpA metaphor. The alternate capital and small letters indicate the whims of the world. It's a ride in pleasure and pain but always ending in sorrow. Last week I spoke to Neetu on a whim and it was a self-inflicted mortification, “Sathya, what have you donated for the migrant worker crisis? I don’t agree with your description of the wOrLd as selfish, it’s more your quality that your bring.”  Each time I have a bad time on the phone, I try for a compensate for a prospective ounce of sympathy. I called Krish and it felt Neetu was too kind!!!! I mention these two names here for they symbolize the wOrLd – even a few empty words of solace and care are beyond us which defines the world to me. APATHY, ENNUI, ABJECT self-interest as to topple the boat each time. Such a worldview of the wOrLd is only mental conditioning as we strive for SELF-DEPENDENCE, otherwise have a polite veneer in your interactions. It is counterproductive to wear your feelings on the sleeve.

            Vipassana has gotten me to respect me a lot shoring up tons of self-respect. I like to watch Trump’s press briefings and I have seen very few in my life with that kind of overweening confidence. He hurls abuses to White House reporters that I feel a need to pause and imbibe those lessons. Vinod had that daredevilry in my childhood, Sherlock Holmes the cavalier supercilious air about him and why should I not be just as condescending and patronizing? It's worth practicing those gestures before a mirror.

            These are unusual eerie times of our lives. Who would have foreseen 5 weeks of lock-down – three gone and two more in the calendar as we march to 30/4? I am more than convinced that the human race and the health of the planet cannot be taken for granted. Maybe we see Armageddon (I think it means “end of the world as we know it”) in our own life-times. I am sure as hell counting on a tsunami or a earthquake or super heavy rains to drown out my life!!!!

            If you are a thinking animal like me, you will define and re-define these words at every opportunity and corner of your life: ME, WORLD and GOD. Me, I am clear – a weak lonely man with the courage of a Hercules and Alexander. The WORLD is an appalling observer (thanks to my 2020 learnings) and GOD is Vipassana meditations. You are the only one who can bring comfort and cheer to your mind; others are an obstruction. Maya is an illusion and a delusion that others can be on the credit side of a passbook. No sir, others are always an EMI of an outstanding loan and never an income cheque.

            My bank loan was on the verge of disbursal when Modi declared a lock-down. Some karmic forces confluencing to add to my misery!!  I speak to Ranga, Pandi and a Bharat these days. My best friend is still T H Iyer mama and he keeps himself busy penning his reminiscences. I look out of the window to see a crow cheerfully basking in the summer sun, I am yet to discover such a well of happiness within myself but I am getting there.  There is a lesson here: choose your heroes carefully for you end up as them. I always looked to Vinod for a model, Sherlock Holmes and Alexander my heroes from history and art, and look where I am today - cynical of the world and supremely trustful of me. Just what I wanted and just about right. 

Lock-down days

First things first, I pruned (online dictionary says: trim by cutting away dead or overgrown leaves or stems) a lot of text in 2020 dauntlesssathya posts. Now I make it a point that I will do without explanatory idioms and colorful references on blog writing. From now, I will simply chop off any redundant sentence.

            In the 10 days of LOCK-DOWN I sleep and sleep. Then I try to get in two 30 min sessions of Vipassana in a day. But the best part to the days is revising word lists, an activity I used to pander myself in the distant past. Now I indulge myself – for me the fun part is to generate synonyms before referring a dictionary. For a writer a “word” is flesh and blood, you need to have a feel for them.

            I have been negligent on exercises – those SPARRC regimes were good for the knees. Sheer laziness, no better excuse here. I get a bit of guitaring in the day, I love myself in each session though I have no stamina after 10 min. Guitaring is a “finger strength” exercise, it hurts a lot. Of late, I see myself getting exhausted and bored easily. Maybe my clock is ticking faster. Except for Vipassana where I keep my back straight and eyes closed for 30 min at a stretch, no other activity grips the mind. Similarly after the Philip Freeman’s “Alexander the Great” in January, my appetite for reading is filled up to the brim.

            This month I watched a lot of Chinmayananda’s YOUTUBES and he is sensational. Absolutely master in tone and content, his oratorical skills resonate in my ears. There are lot of wisdom embedded here. He is a classic, you can hear him repeatedly and any time and you will still learn something.

            On OTA XLT sessions, again my mind is on curfew. I know the gaps in my skills but I have little energies to learn. With the bank loan still on the pipeline (the week I was supposed to get the money the Government announced a lock-down just to spite me as it were), the learning can wait. 
           I am fortunate with regard to cooks. Nalini has learnt cooking the brahamanical cuisine.  She also sweeps and mops the floors. In the last 14 years of engaging a cook, Meera was the friendliest for a chat, Thangam mami gave solid reliability for a decade in the kitchen. Nalini is not in that class but a quick learner and superb work attitude. 

            One of the best things of 2020 is I have reduced my talking by 90% though they were negligent even to begin with. I only speak to TH Iyer mama who calls twice a day. He wants to write an autobiography where I do a bit of mentoring. One of the first skills of creative writing is “using words as strokes on a canvass for a visual feel”. A reader must be caught by the scruff of the neck much like a movie sucks you in. A good writer will make you feel the emotions, you get an experience and not a story (which even an illiterate grandmother can narrate).

            I was also caught in the Ramayan fever. It is 1980s production but with a lot of heart and honesty (to the extent possible); certainly a watchable fare. I also watch Youtubes of “Yeh jo hai Zindagi” where I love the antics of Rakesh Bedi, Satish Shah, Inmandar and the feisty Swaroop Sampath. I find Ms. Sampath’s vocals unique in appeal, it has a ringing streak to it. Then a bit of Gita chanting, I also listen to Danish Sait's prank calls (you will find on a YouTube search, some are hilarious to the full).

            Last month both my Mumbai visit for a OTA course and a week’s Vipassana in Blore got cancelled from the virus. Now as I wait for the loan, I have an avowed thanksgiving pilgrimage to Sri Sailam. Last visited the holy place when I was 6-7 years. I have fetid for visiting familiar places of the past. I have a mind that does a quick contrast of “now” and “how it was 40 years before” kinds. With a lock-down, life is on a standstill which puts a creative writer out of harness. I also got the Aadhar address update on the website, changed the address in the ration card too - finally savvy on filling forms on government websites which takes some pluck and trials. 

         I did four video podcasts, anyone can check them on Youtube if you search “thinksathya”. These are beginner level quality, once I get a hang of it I will do on topics like "Mindfulness" and "Alexander". I am content these days, if I were to die today my mind would carry images of listening to Swami Paramarthananda at Vidyamandir on Upanishads (those 1998 -2002 years were a goldmine), walks in the Theosophical Society lawns and the banter those fetched. I would also think of Balakanth and Vinod and maybe that Sindhi woman too. It’s been a good life, I am ready as a passenger on a platform for the train. I have filled my life with so much, it yearns for a little rest of a different kind. 

Blocked calls

#166

If I were to die today, my entire being would flood with regret for an absurd over-emphasis on relations. We give too much importance to others, we even try to wriggle our way to their good books. That’s pre-digital age mentality. We were told that Dale Carnegie’s “How to win friends and influence others” is a gold standard for living in a society. Bull shit. I would write a more relevant book titled, “How to make life difficult for others at the first opportunity.”

            I am not cynical or over-dramatic here. The world has changed beyond recognition in the space of a decade: Being nice and courteous in this age is being a moron to the extreme. The joint family died in the 60s and 70s, maybe the nuclear family died in 2010 and now in 2020 it's me and my interests alone.  
            I am saying this with all the earnestness at my command: Please don’t be kind and courteous. Being rude and boorish is fine but it should be done at an art level. You need to be sophisticated. Don’t parade your SELF-CENTRED streak but serve it with layers in false show of concern; have sweet words for the mouth but no feeling in the mind. Your job and duty is to care only for one person and that’s YOU. 

            For me 2020 started with Ajay’s “I will ask my wife if I should give you a loan.” That shook me up as the thoughts gained momentum: The world just does not care for an individual. If you realize how little the society thinks and feels for you, you would not open your mouth. The only person who cares for you in this digital age is not your wife or daughter but online marketers. Once your number gets into their database, they will badger you on “personal loans”, sell a vacation to Mars and anything in between. You are loved for the money in your bank balance and not you; if you think someone loves you then it's maya, the ultimate self-delusion. Want proof? Lose your job, don't buy your wife and kids any gifts or lay infirm for a week - you will soon realize how hollow and self-centered all their affections were. 

Blocking spree: I need a guarantor for my loan and the first person I approached was Srinivasan. He said, “Give me a day and I will get back to you.” It's as much a smart stalling move as after a job interview “We will get back to you, don’t call us.” I waited a couple of days before blocking his number. Then I sought out Mugundavel my builder for a guarantor. I know he is as cunning as a perpetually starving rat, he has no morals but I wanted some humour as I kick-started this social experiment: Sir, will you be my loan guarantor? He said, “I am already a guarantor for a close friend, I cannot have a second one concurrently.” I smiled and blocked his number. Then tried Krish with the same request. I was under the illusion he cared until he chickened out, “Sathya, if I sign as a guarantor my credit score would come down. Then I cannot avail any loans in the bank should a need arise.” I was sorely tempted to block his number but I thought: if he were to ever call by mistake, let the phone ring itself out. Then I wrote to a friend in Dubai on Whatsapp: Man, I feel like talking to you. Would you call me this week? I got no answer as I deleted the name from the contact list. Last month I was happy to an exuberance to block Vivek on my cell phone, a friend of 13 years, on another grouse: He simply got into the habit of annoying me. Sathya, what have you done to your sisters to merit hospitality? That number went for a year before this straw broke the camel's back: Sathya, I told you that getting a loan is very difficult. Why did you buy this Palavakkam apartment now? You should have first made money in the stock markets and then ventured into these buys. Most sensible advice on hindsight but this is a classic “I told you so” on a burning deck. Then there was Ramesh, Yohanan, Manikandan, Rajaram, Prithvi, Siddan, Prabhakar who fell on the wayside for no reason. 

            In all these ruins there is just one person who shines; 88 years old TH Iyer mama. He calls me daily wishing me luck and hearing my laments. In this world if you have just one person to EMPATHIZE, you are fortunate. Napoleon lamented he had none to trust, Alexander the Great had just Hephastion, and I have my TH Iyer mama. To the rest of world, be kind and courteous but from a mile away. I must warn myself that any flood of friendship is wasted energy on a unsuspecting public. It’s a pity we are not allowed to carry guns and knives in our society particularly as human population is on an exponential rise. But in your mind, just kill your kindness and compassion. If not at least start blocking numbers on the phone. Welcome to the digital world of Aadhar and Pan card and 16 digit credit card numbers, don't think you are bigger than them!!! 

Sathya, the Alexander

#165

Needless to say, Alexander the Great.

            This loan imbroglio (extremely confused, complicating and embarrassing situation) served some wonderful lessons. Today I know as much as a loan consultant on procedures and documentation. For those regular to my pages this is one more affirmation that we indeed are a rotten apples society for an insight: when you approach this system from the front door, they’ll ask you for come through the back door.

            These loan procedures are a funny thing – you get a housing loan within six months of purchase, interest rates for a home loan is 9-10%, minimum 5 years to a maximum of 15 years duration. Then there is mortgage loan and Personal loan (say 10-11%) while the private financiers starts from 12% onwards (say a Cholamandalam Finance or Muthood Finance). Loans are given to salaried people and people with good IT returns; so if you are a self-employed asshole like me, ask your auditor to dress up your IT filing. Pay a nominal income tax even if you go through the entire year without earning a dime. Now with this much experience, I am getting loan by greasing a lot of hands. That shows even if I have 5% odds of success, I have enough cunning-ness to open the doors wide.

            The first 3 months of 2020 got me to introspect a lot. Take these as my insights: The world just does not care for you. My definition of Maya is the self-delusion that we are cared and protected in this society. It’s further away than meeting Harry Potter’s characters on the subway!!! Second: India is corrupt to its neck and ass, exploit it to your advantage.

            When I look at my life, I have grown leaps and bounds. My teenage years were a blur, the 20-30s was a decade of RAW COURAGE as I managed jobs, heart surgery, 30-40s were years of SLOW RECOVERY as I found a lot of solace in TS walks, Swami Paramarthananda’s lectures. And now 40-50s is the decade of re-birth. It feels like going back to a womb for a world of possibilities. For isn’t the definition of DEATH is that we lose all that we know and feel to BIRTH where we are born and start from scratch. Mindfulness turned me inside out for a new leaf without the scars of the past.

            One of the worst sins of living is GUILT which is a result of wrong interpretation of the past. The SELF-CRITIC in us must die so that a SELF-FRIEND is born. Most people don’t bat for themselves they are busy batting for Modi or Rahul or Tendulkar or SRK. How absurd!!! A daily practice of GRATITUDE makes you HUMBLE of creation.

            I will be 51 in 6 weeks-time and I will not change a line of my script. Nature is a mother and a thousand times kinder and wiser for it gave me a Balakanth, Sarada mami, Ranga, TH Iyer. It also gave me a morally vacuous pUsHpA who entered my life for a dose of romance, and the exit couldn't have been better timed. It’s then the penny falls – we need the gross characters. But for my sisters, I would have never grown.  

            When I look at my past I have nothing but love and respect for me now. I have survived storms, tsunamis of shame and abandonment. Each time I fell to the abyss – rock bottom – I clawed my way back to the summit. For a long time I thought of myself as a bird without wings and mortified of heights until I realized that I have been an eagle along. We don’t live in a random universe of chance, it’s a painstakingly orderly in its writ, each dot and line on the canvas is a work of a supreme artist. This is a universe that is so efficient that it records every thought and feeling of all its creatures. These mental imprints are the inputs for evolution. The recording and storing is not in the heavens above but as energy packets in your own mind. Once you know how to handle those energy streams of the mind, you win always. Including bribing your way to a housing loan!!! Just love yourself, trust yourself, and you'll have the mindset of Alexander. Whatever I do, it's world-class for an output. I add value to life with each moment or as many as I can. 

Relationships in the Digital age??

#164

Wisdom is not something you arrive by reason; it takes life experiences to get a fleeting sense of it. Reading books, attending inspirational talks won’t make a person wiser, probably you will come home and parrot the words for an impressionable value. Borrowed words never make for one’s wisdom.   

            This is a rambling introduction to this thought that bugs me at the moment: the world we live is a terrible one. My life is interesting for it spanned three different times for a study in contrast:

            1970-1990 were my growing up years from birth to graduation when the world was still sane: television entering our homes, the neighbors knew each other well (we had the first landline in the locality and neighbors flocked to us for the phone facility, they now had access to an instrument to talk to their married daughters and sons). My father who had a flourishing career never stopped worrying over the fate of his fourth brother who could never keep a job. 

            1990-2010 were the years when I entered adulthood. I had a massive culture shock in the IMT hostels – the transition from a Nawabi Hyderabad society to a lifestyle-addicted, aggressive Delhi crowd took a long while for my mind to adapt. The society at this point was consumeristic: people buying Maruti cars, joint family became nuclear which meant no elder brother fussed over the unemployment or penurious state of his fourth brother! These years became what I call the: I, my wife, and my kids centered vision for existence. These were times when people voted for money and status – the more you had them, the more you were respected in contrast to the 1970-1990 phase when intelligence and culture got a legroom. There is often quoted axiom: the world is nothing but a mirror of your thoughts. If you were friendly the world reflected back that aspect to you which these years more or less held.

            Then came the post 2010 years where the world was classified as winners and losers as the IT crowd took over. They are truly global, their lifestyle no longer wrapped in Eastern conservative mould. Women smoke and party, pre-marital sex tacitly approved, and we simply stopped caring. Today we have reached a stage of not caring a damn to wives and kids. Today your own spouse will walk out if you lose your job regardless of a foreign vacation six months earlier. That by extension meant “We not only lost the art of caring for a nuclear family, we lost out on caring for ourselves”. Today if you are friendly, you will be mistaken for a madcap. Today if you fall in love, you will sign a pre-nuptial agreement. And if you are me, you will keep a gun under the pillows for self-protection!!! Today marketing men are more interested in your money than in you, pharma companies will dance with joy if chronic illnesses rise each percentage point. You will not know your neighbours, sad thing is you will not know even your siblings. We have changed our food habits, women use their breasts for a fashion accessory, and money is the only currency that is respected everywhere. Long lost in the desert are intelligence and culture and sobriety.

            For me, these phases of the society in transition hit me straight in the eye – I had the vantage point of being alone. Today anybody would be fortunate if you can find four friends in the city on whom you call: Buddy, let’s go for a movie this weekend for my wife rubbed me to the ground. Or buddy, I am in some financial trouble. Can you loan me 10 k for a week? Everyone understands that they are an island today – there is no premium being nice and friendly, you don’t have to fake a smile. People like me who have no societal shackles can look at you straight in the eye and say, “You are a bother, keep out of my way,” without a pang of guilt in the conscience. Today we look at a colleague or a sibling or even a spouse or a kid feeling, “This fellow is out to touch me, let me be careful.” Faith in gods was the first casualty, that vacuum was first filled by Sri Sri and now Sadhguru for a dose of pop spirituality. Then went the family customs as we severed from our parent tree, then came all the vices from women’s empowerment and effeminate males (would you believe it, most wear ear studs in one ear). Once we lost the caring aspect, we became strangers to ourselves as those aspen leaves tossed around by the slightest breeze.

            2020 got me this wisdom: The world is a friendly place but it does not care from Ajay. Then this corollary naturally sprung in my fertile mind: When you realize how little others think and feel for you then you’ll never open your mouth. Nor will you smile or mouth those useless good mornings. Now I have reached such a state that when someone smiles at me, I pause to ask: What do you want from me? Or you an insurance salesman or trying to sell me land in OMR 20 kms from the city?? Or a membership to a resort or selling a vacation??? And if I am going to commit suicide tomorrow, I will set fire to the planet with a gleeful smug: the journey from the innocence of the 70s to the callousness of 2020 is complete. 

March Misgivings

#163

This year was supposed to be a Consolidation year, but there are no green shoots of growth as of now. This loan has now become a knotty thorn, I pray that this month provides a solution.

            Yesterday I had a drink with Ranga at Maris and that’s the reason for this blog post. He has an original mind, greater in depth than me. I plan to use this medium to capture yesterday’s thoughts:

a)     Sathya, if you have noticed that even a sober guy acts animated in a group. You will always find group conversations at a bar boisterous where people shout to get themselves heard. It shows poor character to me. You only talk in two situations: a) where you are respected enough such that the other person waits to listen without interrupting, b) you open your mouth to add to a discussion and not noise.

b)     When I told him that self-love saved me from moodswings, he said, “It’s wrong usage of the word self-love.” You mean “you stopped blaming yourself and you were immediately healed.”

c)      Tambrahms are not ritualistic, Sathya as you keep parroting. They are highly conformist. I am Telugu Brahmin and there are no constraints my community imposes on me; I can be me. But in the case of a tambrahm, non-conformity becomes headline news. There is so much pressure to fall in life – that’s why you’ll see the maximum chanting crowd in a temple, or performing rituals like Amavasya tharpanam, or non-smoking or non-drinking made into a such a virtue.

d)     When I was cribbing about my siblings lack of care, he said, “Sathya, only you can define your duties for you. You have no right to conceptualize on other’s duties. Do so and you’ll find misery clinging on to you.”

February News

#162

This year my dauntlesssathya blogs will be direct and zero wastage of words. More like news highlights and a synopsis to make sense of it.

The headlines are:

a)     HDFC screws up: They took 8 weeks to reject my loan application after promising every third day. A prompt rejection would have been infinite mercy. I am so sick of their incompetence that I will be snapping any connection with them. Their ineptness has cost me time and money – for 8 weeks I have not engaged in my stock market trading for loss of income besides the emotional stress of uncertainty.

b)     Narasimhan of Vishalam Builders: He is a wonderful gentleman who comforted me saying, “You need to pay 13 lacs now but take your time, we will wait for your loan to be accepted.” This is my second trip to Kumbakonam and I loved it more. I plan to go monthly, it’s an emotional high to see your villa coming up. The food is great, the auto chaps are friendly and super-efficient, green countryside, good quality water, fresh air and all the pluses are adding up. I am loving this buy more than the Palavakkam one; that’s just an apartment but this is my land!!!

c)      Vivek is super dense: For almost 11 years each time I had a talking urge I would trouble Vivek and Manisha. Of late, Vivek has grown senile to unbelievable denseness and un-stomachable attitude. I tried my best to salvage but what drove the nail in the coffin was this attitude: What have you done to your sisters to merit any kindness?? This attitude almost snapped the ties two years and now this is the last straw: Why are you overstretching on real estate? First earn your monies and then buy instead of running after bank loans? Again this theme was beaten to death in the last four months despite my assurance that “my troubles are my own and no friend of mine will be touched for monies.” Vivek is dense beyond belief; all I sought was solace instead I got blame and an attribution of stupidity. My last words to Vivek this week was, “This is the last time I am speaking to you in my life.” There is no danger of any comebacks here.

d)     TH Iyer mama is the sole one with a heart: This year started with Ashish’s refusal of a soft loan that got my mind reinforced on this thought: If you know how little others think or feel for you, you wouldn’t open your mouth. This learning has quietened me almost 90%. I have many names on my contact list on my mobile but none are useful even for a solace at the word level except TH Iyer mama. He is the sole one who reads my blogs, calls every alternate day, follows my trails with life closely and storing a lot of affection and encouragement. 

e)     Oscar movies: I saw “A beautiful day in the neighborhood” and it was paisa vasool as Rediff would say on their inept movie reviews. 1917 had more depth, I simply loved “Parasite”. Each time I walk out of a movie hall, I feel supercilious: maybe I could have done the script better and tighter. But after “Parasite” I was gushing feeling that a couple of Sathyas can't reach such quality levels. I am planning three more movies of the Oscar season.

Today I am in a position to grow 20 lacs to 40 lacs in 12 months. If I had this skill in 2018, I would not have been forced to sell my Besant Nagar property in 2018 for a startling perspective. It takes time and skill and confidence at last arrive at an earning source. Thank God for small mercies.

Life, the eternal bitch

#161

Being alone always has its cost. It’s an oddity that one grows almost as a separate species. In a family – which I have not seen since 2007 when my mother shifted to my sister’s place – I guess there is room for all types of emotions to trigger. Some pleasant, mostly unpleasant but there is a thin thread of bonding. If you are incapacitated and even if you are the most worthless, family-defeating member, you will be taken to a clinic when sick, cared for in an ICU when dying and cremation after death even if it is with a grudging sigh. But being alone you must pretty much arrange these inevitable stages.

            Being alone, you must pamper yourself. I set small goals; each time I make a 40 k profit in a deal I treat myself to a book on Amazon or a BBC video, or I plan a short trip, or invite Ranga to Maris for a drink,  or even a small packet of sweets from Aavin or Krishna Bhavan or buy a fancy item for the drawing room or watch a movie on the big screens. Two, more important than self-pamper you need to “ensure that there are no negative forces” to upset the fragile mask of peace. Even a small ant-bite is enough to drown you in an ocean of self-pity. So you learn to avoid stressful situations and boorish people. For me, the first sign of a “mind in free fall” is my smoking number goes up, I begin to curse my second sister, I begin to fantasize on suicide and death. When I reach such a stage, I drop everything and head for a Vipassana retreat.  There are only two people who call to enquire; T H Iyer mama at 86 and random calls of Manisha. Shivaja, a Rediffiland friend, calls me each time she is Blore. Which shows the world is excessively self-centered.

            I have been here in this new house for 6 weeks now waiting like a lost man in a desert for the mortgage loan. The more the delay, the more I doubt whether I can capture the form and momentum at the bourses. I am also pitching for “soft skills training” role which could get in some people quotient. I do need a platform to meet the next generation,. I am terrible marketing my wares, so now and then I drop a word to my friends – could you explore a possibility in your firm kinds? Knowing the apathetic world we live, such feeble attempts rarely get you anywhere. 

            My appreciation for Meera and Thangam who served my kitchen for 15 years have gone up manifold after coming here. I engaged Nalini as a cook here and she is terrible with no brahmanical instinct in culinary. I even brought my elder sister for a crash course, now I realize she needs more. It’s like starting someone from alphabets and "a for apple" kinds. To her credit, she brings in a positive attitude. There are days when I am pulling my strands in disgust. I tell you this: for a bachelor, a cook is the most important person for the food issue is vitally the most important. This area needs fixing.

            It's not easy with these odds. I am smoking a lot these days, waiting for the bank loan and trying to fix a food problem from an inept cook. This is more than an ant-bite for me to sink in the ocean of sorrow. But I am trying. Writing the four parts Alexander series felt so reassuring, that effort did shore up self-esteem. Today I am watching “Parasite” my third Oscar movie of the season.

            Each of my mental wanderings on blogs invariably ends with this thought and I don’t mind a million repetition: I live in an apathetic world. There is little bonding to life or any relation that offers warmth. I need to find a reason almost every month just to pull through. I stay in the race even after the bulls give up!!!! But each year, it gets more and more difficult.

            The best of Palavakkam would be: train this Nalini character or find another source, re-discover my skills at stock market trading, get SPARRC routine which means I need a two-wheeler which is a sound investment, get some swimming in. There is a music institute here and I resume my guitar classes. Being alone you need “good supply of happy hormones generating activities”. Then secure the Kumbakonam villa, then pool and music score sheets as consequential events. But if God were to appear and grant a boon, in today’s mood I would press for a release. 
            I don’t know how to evaluate my life; whether I am a force of good or bad, whether I deserve a heaven or hell for a after-life but one thing I am certain: no one brought such pluck and endurance to life as I have. Or just a pistol shot blast of your brains which feels an inevitably. We make too much of life and death, both are the same if you ask me. 

Sobering February

#160

Three insights here.

            First, I hate to admit this, I am wrong.  For long I had a chip on my shoulder about being neglected by my siblings.  But this counter thought made a lot of sense: We were from a dysfunctional family that did not teach us to bond or even relate. So all of us grew up like guests in a hotel, there was no family binding. To their good fortune, they found husbands and love and children for a purpose in life. I just could not  which I can’t hold it against them. Both mother and my eldest sister visited my new house, we promised to be civil and distant than be severed and coarse.

            Second, this incident shook me. I paid 1 lac as an advance for a villa in Kumbakonam in October. I was supposed to pay 9 lacs immediately but all those monies and more went into securing this apartment in Chennai. Yesterday I spoke to the Kumbakonam promoter which roughly went like this: Sir, I am terribly sorry. I was interacting with Gopalan who has had a surgery. I am more than three months behind schedule. Narasimhan said, “Sir, I have complete trust in you. With your 1 lac, we have started construction. As per agreement, you owe us 20 lacs now. The villa will be ready by April.” I told him of the bank loan and ended the conversation saying, “This chat warms my heart. I thought of transferring 8 lacs through netbanking. Now I will personally come and hand over the cheque.” 

            The third insight is APATHY. We live in age of excessive selfishness to the point of self-defeat. I was telling a friend, “You know what makes Chennai such a heartless city? We don’t care for others. Care has many levels: I don’t expect the level of care you would display when your wife or kid is in the ICU where you will drop everything and attend.” I have been in Besant nagar for three decades, only TH Iyer mama at 86 visited my new place.” Tambrahms in Chennai don’t realize the importance of visiting friends, inviting them over for lunches and dinners even once in a decade, a distant “hi and bye” kinds is no better than a stranger. All the humour, banter and jokes count for nothing if there is no care; primary first level care which a Mumbai, Blore or a Delhi has in abundant measure.

            Lastly I have grown a bit wiser in 2020. I no longer yank my mouth after this realization hit me hard: if you realize how little others think or care for you, you wouldn’t open your mouth. I watched “A beautiful day in the neighborhood” and “1917” for Oscar season. I am planning “Parasite” (Korean film), “Little women”, “Joker” and any Oscar nominated movie in town. These really engage, they inspire me on creativity and integrity in storytelling. That's how the time rolls here. 

Chennai Vs Mumbai

#159

Normally I don’t comment on macro issues – you will never find my blogs on politics or gossip or celebrities or movies or sports. I strictly keep it personal to the experience I face in my days. I realized this intuitively even as I began writing these blogs in 2006 that an individual experiencing the flow of life makes for endless possibilities for engaging tales. But this is about two cities, I am no historian or a sociologist to make a study with statistical tools but let me talk about my experience. Both these cities have such contrasting personalities.

            Chennai is 100% unadulterated pure hell. It is the most negative city in the planet. If I have to describe this city in three words, they would be SELF-RIGHTEOUS, SELF-CENTERED and hence SELF-DEFEATING. It unfortunately borrows its character from a typical tambrahm who is an intellectual animal but toxic-ally selfish. Chennaiites cannot see beyond their nose for a tunnel vision of “me, myself and my family”. The rest of the universe is of no consequence as long as I earn enough to pay my bills, my wife cooks decent food in the kitchen and lights up my nights and children score enough marks to scrap through in the annual exams. Why do I feel so negatively for a city that has been home to me for three decades? The city does not involve me in its run despite my genius writing skills and fairly decent person (no one will ever accuse me of selfishness or self-aggrandizements).  Not one person has realized my pain of being abandoned during festivals for three decades despite living in the most elite part of town. .

            Mumbai is a contrast. I went for a stock trading class for a week in June, 2019 with a bias that this is the most mechanical and heartless city for human relations. I couldn’t have been more wrong. Instead I found the city with a work culture that is staggering – each one is perpetually on the move for his work. This is one city where the poor don’t bemoan their fate, they sell hand kerchief and socks on the pavements with a zest and confidence that is unbelievable. One feels this fast pace of life in the air, something or the other is cooking in this place and mostly for the good. Behind the veneer of mechanical efficiency, people care – you go to a restaurant couple of times and the waiters begin to smile at you. The best of Mumbai is “it’s the only city that recognizes some special quality” in me. In my Futures class in August 2019, I had couple of classmates saying, “Sathya, you are just 50. Move into the city and the city will find something suitable for your talents.” 

            Even in stock market trading I find classmates from Mumbai willing to share their knowledge willingly unlike a Chennaiite who will hold it back. Chennai looks at both friends and strangers with a suspicious streak as though they are eyeing to grab their ugly obese wives draped in sarees or stab them in the back at work. We have zilch co-operation, this is one city where your neighbor would say, “I saw your house being robbed. But I did not raise a cry for my husband was sleeping and I did not wish to disturb him.” We are that foolish as to score self-goals with righteous indignation.

            If I have a measure of stock trading success in 2020, I will be the owner of a villa in a distant Kumbakonam, 325 km from this shithole. My sole demand in life is a meager - please get me admitted to critical care in a hospital when I have a cardiac arrest, cremate my body when the white sheets are drawn and disperse my assets to the list of charities. Such a small gesture is beyond anyone in Chennai. There is greater probability of such a caring hole in a Maharashtra town or a Bangalore. My disgust is so much that I would love to see this city drown in the Bay of Bengal much like Kannagi burning the city of Madurai when her husband was unjustly hanged.

            If you ask me the definition of a heaven, I would say: any place where you find a little understanding and some bonding. By that definition Chennai is hell surely.

Pangs of settling in

#158

I don’t know why I write these blogs. Maybe a flicker of a distant thought that someday someone will read these pages and confer me greatness – Tchaikovsky or even the greatest Mozart became famous posthumously. But this year, my resolve, is less personal, less self-centered.   

            I came from Dindigul on 6/1 and I had a huge laundry list of tasks in front of me. Within two days I had setup the modular computer table, re-assembled the sofa-set (I saved Rs. 3000 asking the deckup carpenter to help after he pieced the table together), got the MI person wall-mounting the smart TV, set up the kitchen, replaced a cylinder tube, got a Hathway broadband for a staggering efficiency. I looked at myself with wonder, even God would not have been so resourceful, a quality I never associate myself with. To my self-image – often erroneous for I estimate my worth a lot less than reality beckons- I am a theorists and a supreme thinker. I take as much as 3-4 days rumination even on a petty thing like a haircut simply because I don’t want an extra ounce of work for my poor knees.

            Within a short time, I became a regular Swiggy customer – I found myself fleeced Rs. 50-60 for every delivery though they saved my knees a whale of a trouble. In the new house I found myself consuming less calories for I was eating a lot less. Bemoan the guy who depends on Chennai restaurants for four squares a day!!! Slowly I start making coffees and teas, another day even upma but something is missing. Besant nagar is as much a professional whore of a metro but I got used to it. Each time I stepped out of my abode (you are supposed to chuckle here) I ran into familiar faces for half-raised greetings and eye-contact. Here no one knows me. This is paradise compared to buses zipping down Seventh Avenue in front of my house, here I spot couple of cows grazing in the fields for a complete contrast. The best of Besant nagar was everything was within my walking range, here it’s 500 metres to ECR and my knees curse me in the vilest words the dictionary can afford. Besant nagar is a whore but it felt nice on the system, Palvakkam is a heaven that needs getting used to.

            I am a poor reader; I have long stopped buying books. Then last month I ordered 4-5 books on Amazon for a solar eclipse rarity. The books came and promptly went to the shelves. Now I opened Philip Freeman’s “Alexander the Great” and it caught me by the scruff of the neck. I just love everything about ATG.  Nature does not produce a ATG than once in a 5000 or 10000 years; he is Bhima, Arjuna, Duryodhana, Sakuni and Karna combined except real in flesh and blood. I venerate Buddha through every cell of the body but my heart and soul belongs to Alexander the Great. In the one week in the new house I could not have found a greater inspiration than the battle exploits of this extraordinary man 2300 years ago.

            I met two people this week who deserve a special mention. Dinesh was the Hathway executive and at 23, he looks the best salesman I have come across. Yesterday Ashok came to configure my desktop for the Wifi. I have known him for a decade as he said, “Sathya Sir, anytime you have a heart-attack I will drop everything and attend to you.” Such nobleness, I am indebted more than words.

            I am 50 now, I have lived alone for 13 years without a minuscule of support. I never doubt my resilience or survival instinct, I see myself in the class of a Hercules, Achilles and ATG for my inward journey was no less breathtaking in scope as their war exploits. But if God were to appear and ask for a boon from me, I will say, “Bring it on old man. Take me away for a well-deserved respite.” 

            HDFC is the worst possible bank in India. My housing loan is now more than 4 weeks old by which I time I got my apartment registered with my own funds. After sleeping for 5 weeks those guys tell me, “Now that you have registered property, there is no point in a housing loan. But we will consider you for a mortgage loan.” I need 25 lacs with the urgency of a next breath; I need this money for trading and a part-payment for Kumbakonam property. I am annoyed, exasperated, intensely irritated and frustrated and throw in all the synonyms. 

            Yesterday I saw QUEEN and Kangana was outstanding. I felt she has earned the right to put a foot in her mouth each time she opens it. Which reminds of a drink I had with Ranga at Maris and he says, “Sathya, we have two orifices; anterior and another in the rear. People who speak without thinking is farting; there is no question of a volition here. Sadly most people in our age use the anterior for a propaganda and posterior for speaking.” Ranga comes with such priceless insights, I learn as much in his company than what life throws at me almost each moment. I will end the ramble with this tailpiece: Viji’s husband, my brother-in-law, invited me for a Pongal lunch that I gently declined saying, “An electrician has promised to come tomorrow. It’s a new house you see, so I very sorry to miss this feast," for a white lie. The invite is as much a wonder as the hanging gardens of Babylon or those pyramids in Egypt for my folks wake-up after 32 years. There is one thing about Alexander I envy; in those days men slit others throat at the slightest provocation while here I am in 2020 who can’t even slap a fellow human being.  
              Welcome to 2020, I am as cynical as ever and my writing as potent too. This year looks a make or break, I will make it even if I have to beg, borrow or steal or even kill. Finally I am learning. Thanks to Alexander the Great.